SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION: Jesus - Vampire Hunter or Just Vampire? Or Zombie?

WARNING: If you were offended when I suggested Santa Claus was a vampire or don't like Jesus being used in jokes, you better not check out this post. - OlderMusicGeek





BadMovies.org's entry for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
The Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter website from the people who made the movie
The Internet Movie Database's entry for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Allmovie.com's entry for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter


A comicbook review for a REAL comic...
Loaded Bible: Jesus vs. Vampires One-Shot
Writer: Tim Seeley
Pencils: Nate Bellegarde
Finishes: Mark Englert

“In the near future, the United States is ruled by bloodsucking vampire hordes and only one man can end their reign of terror.”

“What would Jesus do?”

“He’d kick Vampire ass.”

Plot: After 9/11, Americans who fear Muslim extremists vote in a president that they feel will allow Christianity to rule the day over these “heathens”. This president attacks foreign countries in the name of God and puts down these devil hordes. When people begin to realize that vampires are among us the government creates a special council to defeat them.

When the vampires attempt to assassinate the council, all hell breaks loose and they nuke everything. In the future, Jesus comes down to save the human race from these vampires (who survived because they are immune to radiation) in the form of a sword wielding action hero with a message.

*48 Christ-tacular pages*

Review: (sarcasm alert) Thank God. It is about time that a comic book, television show, news story, etc. comes out that denigrates our government and attempts to reduce Christianity to a bunch of catchy slogans and bumper stickers. I was starting to wonder if someone would ever be courageous and “edgy” enough to attempt it. Kudos…

Now that I got that out of my system, let’s actually review the book. The above rant notwithstanding, I actually enjoyed the book. Very well rounded characters, beautiful artwork by Nate Bellegarde and Mark Englert, and as an action story I was turning the pages at a pretty quick pace. The bad puns and heavy-handed anti-establishment panels were a little much. The only thing missing was a reference to “kicking ass for the lord”. But that would have just been silly.

At least Tim Seeley seems to have a sense of humor about what he is doing. The action and the message are evenly dispersed throughout the book without ever mixing so it is easy to move past the sermons (irony) and on to Jesus kicking a little ass. You should pick up this book if you agree with the political opinion of its writer or are just a person that really can’t take political messages in a book about a sword wielding Jesus killing vampires very seriously. Because, in context, it is actually a pretty good read.

A link to the review


Yahoo! Answers: Was Jesus a Vampire?
from Boopie

Well think about it. In order for someone to gain eternal life and immortality they had to drink Jesus' blood. Is that the ritual that vampires have in order to make someone become a vampire and therefore gain immortality? This would mean that Jesus was a vampire that sacrificed his own blood to feed everyone else with. Or am I wrong about the vampire mythology or the biblical mythology?

He could have also been a werewolf. He killed himself to save others, and commanded they consume his flesh like a werewolf would do. Nasty huh? Christianity sounds like a grotesque cannibalistic death cult.

Some of the more interesting answers she got...
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Alice Chaos: Interesting analogy. It does seem a bit ghoulish to take communion, if put that way! I'm basically Christian, yet I wonder just how different things are from what was supposed to be.

DrCoraline: Ask Anne Rice, she would know.

cha0s: You have been watching a lot of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, haven't you? Or Underworld, both are equally idiotic, though the chick in Underworld is hot. Oh well....

some random guy: lmao. That's cute. And did you know Santa claus is part of the Illumnati formed to keep the masses uneducated?

A link to the page with people's various answers


Jesus was Gother than You: The Proof

Jesus never referred to himself as goth. Everyone knows the gothest thing someone can do is deny he/she is a goth (case in point: Andrew Elritch and The Sisters of Mercy).

He is referred to as Lord Jesus. Even to this day, people call him Lord Jesus, much like other gothlings go by titles such as Lord Ashtoroth, or Lord Wolfbane. It wasn't so cheesy, in the beginning....

He was mocked by "normals." Even the gothest goth of them all was made fun of by ignorant rednecks and trendies.

Jesus was obsessed with death. Yes, he lived and breathed it, to to speak. He hung out in tombs with dead guys like Lazarus. He also spent time with lepers.

Jesus was secretly a vampire. At his last supper he said, "This cup means the new covenant by virtue of my blood." Transubstantiation is nothing but a fancy spell that changes wine into real blood! After all, how else could Jesus promise eternal life? In addition, when Jesus was up on the cross, the sun went dark so he wouldn't get those nasty sunburns vamps are so prone to.

He was always depressed. Think about it. What real Goth is ever happy? With all the exciting masochistic stuff he went through, is it any wonder that "Jesus wept?" He was, after all, known as the "man of sorrows."

Jesus was a great dresser. C'mon now. He might not have worn black all the time, but just take a close look at all those pictures we see of Christ. He wore long flowing robes, looking positively ethereal in white, or sombre in blood red. He wasn't afraid to pull gender-benders, either, which proved very influential to the San Francisco goth scene. He tended to wear a lot of dresses and skirts, yet somehow still look both undeniably male and sexy! And check out the fashion accessories. A crown of thorns or funeral shroud are the epitome of angst-fashion.

He went to the coolest clubs and dens of iniquity. Jesus hung out with the real "alternative" crowd of the time. His buddies were tax-collectors, fetishists, and women of ill-repute. He also literally hung around with murderers (check out the cross scene), once again showing his fascination with death.

Christ surrounded himself with goth chicks. Mary Magdalene and Veronica were two of the first goth-chicks, but Jesus also has a horde of gothic groupies. How else would you describe all those nuns/brides of Christ? They wear all black and white, and are heavy into crosses, rosaries, and the contemplation of holy masochism.

He had the gaunt look down pat. You have to admit, few pictures you've ever seen of the guy had him rosy-cheeked and robust. The man was positively scrawny and white. He had cheekbones from Hell, and even his hipbones stuck way out.

He was big on crucifixes. Crosses are very goth. Jesus liked them so much that he would occasionally carry a huge one around with him. He was somewhat partial to ankhs too!

Christ was into body piercing. He only did it a few times, but what a statement he made with his piercings! He had a huge-guage piercing gun zap his hands, feet, and side. To top it all off, he did it all in front of an audience, making him one of the first performance artists. Here's a picture of his stage-hands helping him set up for his first piercing act.

Jesus was fascinated with the occult. When Jesus wasn't hanging around with whores and lepers, he was often out consorting with demons. He liked to find people possessed with evil spirits so that he could order the demons around. Once he even told a bunch of demons to go live in a herd of swine. To top it all off, he even went comparison shopping with Satan once. Here he is dissing the devil.

He spent time in tombs. Like I mentioned before, he hung out with Lazarus in one once, but there's much more to it. He once pretended to be dead for three days so that he could sleep in one. How goth can you get? I'll bet you never lived in a tomb. Only Christ, vampires, and Poppy Z. Brite characters get to do that.

Jesus knew how to party. Once he went to this wedding where everyone was a bunch of tight-asses. All they wanted to drink was water, but he fooled them. He went and switched wine (or was it absinthe?) for the water! Voila! Instant party!

Jesus was into kinky domination and submission. Okay, we all know that he liked to hang out with harlots. That's been quite established, even by the most zealous of right-wing Christians. But what did the big C do with these lovely ladies of the night? Well, he had them wipe his feet with their hair and tears. And let's not forget what he did to the moneychangers in his Dad's temple!

He was into fishnet. Jesus rarely went anywhere without his trusty fishnet. Occasionally, he would get a bit sick of it, and would throw it overboard while boating, but one of his disciples would always give it back to him. Of course, the disciple would clean all the fish out of it first.

A link to the Jesus was Gother than You: The Proof website


From the Uncyclopedia...
Vampire Jesus?

Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained. Such as the fact that Zombie(?) Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.

The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.

A link to the complete Zombie Jesus entry in The Uncyclopedia


Answerbag Question: Jesus resurrected - zombie or vampire?
By The Devils Own
Asked Jul 27 2007 12:17AM

some answers that were given...
nvg70: Well according to my friends who are vampires, they say zombie. Hahahahahaha, but I don't think he ever rose up from the dead. He would have to have been bitten, or he would have to have been raised my a necromancer.

DuchyVonChops is proud to be Irish ABFB: Zombie, never did buy into the vampire thing.

Ender is happy: Well, whichever one sucks the fun out of life.. Probably a vampire.

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