HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Bar Room Translations

I got this from my old friend, Ernest T Spoon. I'm not much of a bar hopper myself, but from what few times I have spent in bars, these ring pretty true to me. Enjoy.

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

5. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

6. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

7. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

8. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.)

9. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

10. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

13. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

14. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

15. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

16. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16.)

17. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .2 after my last visit here.)

CULTURE/SOCIETY: 18 Life-Changing Events

Inspired by B and her Random Lists of Things - a website I recommend and find quite fun and entertaining, as I have said before - I have come up with a list of my own.

These are seminal events in a person's life. After you have been through one of these events, your life is forever changed and you don't see the world in the same way - or at least part of the world.

I can't say that I have done all of these, so I don't know first-hand if some of these really change your perspective, but from all I've read and heard, I think I'm probably on the right track.

So without further adieu....

1. Taking drugs.
2. Having sex.
3. Living with someone.
4. Getting married.
5. Having children.
6. Getting divorced.
7. Going to college.
8. Traveling outside the U.S.A.
9. Living outside the U.S.A.
10. Being illiterate.
11. Being in prison.
12. Losing one's faith.
13. Regaining one's faith.
14. Getting fired or laid off.
15. Going to war.
16. Killing someone.
17. Attempting suicide.
18. Almost dying.

Like I said, I haven't had all of these things happen to me, but more than I wish for sure.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: My Take on the O.J. Trial

I know it's a little late to comment on it, but Kevin wrote the following in his comment to my blog on the Michael Jackson trial - "Unlike the OJ trial, I think the MJ trial is a far better illustration of how the American justice system is supposed to work."

Well, I would probably agree that Michael's trial is a better illustration on how the American justice system should work, but I think O.J.'s trial also demonstrated it.

I'll say right off that I didn't followed the trial that closely. In fact, I tried to avoid it as much as I could. But it was, of course, totally impossible to completely avoid it.

And from what I saw, I have to admit that I think O.J. is probably guilty.

But I still think he should have been found not guilty at trial.

Why? Glad you asked.

Because they didn't have any way of proving beyond a reasonable doubt that O.J. did it. The evidence had been tampered with and dealt with so poorly, that there was no way it could be rightfully used. Therefore, there was no way to prove O.J. was guilty.

And you can't - and should not - arrest a man for probably or possibly killing someone.

And I know a lot of people will whine and cry about it and complain about our justice system. But I think our justice system did the right thing in the O.J. trial.

If you don't want murderers going free, then make sure the police are honest, so honest people can't be set up. O.J. has to be set free, so that innocent people who are set up can be set free.

And finally, if you want to get mad at someone for O.J.'s freedom, then you should get mad at the LAPD and the crime lab. Because it's their fault the evidence was messed up. If they had done their job right, O.J. might be behind bars now. Like I said, make sure your police are honest.

CULTURE/SOCIETY and (sorta) BOOKS: A Look at the Word "Hubba-Hubba"

I got this from a subscription service. I ordered because my friend got some great quotes from it, but I never seemed to get any. But the subscription's main service was a "word.a.day". And "Hubba-hubba" was one of the words. The following is the responses this word got from some subscribers.

Date: Tue Jun 14 00:01:08 EDT 2005
Subject: A.Word.A.Day--hubba-hubba

hubba-hubba (HUB-uh HUB-uh) interjection

Used to express approval, enthusiasm, or excitement.
Also, akin to wolf whistle.

[Of unknown origin.]

"On Erin Wheeler's first Valentine's Day with her then fiancee,
she received a card featuring a hippo in a tutu on front and a
'Hubba, hubba,' written inside. Enough said."
Annie Pierce; Love American-Style: The Female Take; Columbian
(Vancouver, Washington); Feb 12, 1999.

"I also received a few messages of the hubba-hubba variety from my
female readers, which were greatly appreciated."
Robert X Cringely; IE Nixed, Mozilla Fixed; Infoworld (San Francisco,
California); Jul 30, 2004.

From: Mary Stewart (indiansmaryATaol.com)
Subject: Re: A.Word.A-Day--hubba-hubba

I associate the expression "hubba hubba" with burlesque show humor. If repeated by a well-endowed, scantily clad female it causes her torso to rise and fall in a manner most pleasing to the male audience, who shout "hubba hubba" back to her.

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From: Goldie Silverman (goldie.silvermanATcomcast.net)
Subject: hubba-hubba

When I was a teenager in the 1940s, hubba-hubba referred to a girl with breasts. A common ploy was this: a boy would say to a girl, "Can you touch your elbows behind your back?" When she tried to do this (try it and see what happens to your chest), he would say, "Hubba-hubba!")

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From: Adrian Ashmore-Price (scoutsATninefish.co.nz)
Subject: Re: A.Word.A.Day--hubba-hubba

Down here in New Zealand this has another less savoury meaning.
I guess it's still an interjection though :-)

For many kiwis hubba-hubba is sex, to the point that there's a national advertising campaign to young adults with the byline of no hubba hubba without a rubber, set to a hip-hop anthem and delivered by graffiti styled characters.

But in the end what better expression of approval, enthusiasm and excitement can there be?

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From: Martha Miller (marthamillerATtelus.net)
Subject: hubba-hubba

In the fierce world of an elementary school playground, one of our favorite taunts to any girl and boy we spied talking together was: "Hubba hubba, ding ding, don't forget the wedding ring!"

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From: Nancy Wilson (wilsonnaATsonic.net)
Subject: Hubba-hubba

I remember hearing this, growing up as an Army brat in post-war Hawaii, and always associated it with military slang. The line "Hubba-hubba, ding ding, baby you've got everything" came to mind, and Google says that was from a song by Vince Maloy.

Then I went to Stuart Berg Flexner's "I Hear America Talking" and found this:

"Hubba-hubba, 1941, wide armed forces use in World War II. It's from the Chinese greeting "how-pu-how" and was first used by air force personnel, who got it from Chinese pilots being trained at an air force base in Florida. It was made very popular by radio comedian Bob Hope, who broadcast his weekly show from military bases during the war, using armed forces terms and references to get laughs."

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From: Kelly Shannon (kshannonATcybermesa.com)
Subject: hubba-hubba

I first heard "hubba-hubba" as kid during WWII at the age of 10 or 11; used by GIs. Examples:
"All right, everybody outside for mail-call. Lets go, hubba-hubba."
or
"Serg. wants this truck loaded on the double!, hubba-hubba!"

In, "A Browser's Dictionary and Native's Guide to the Unknown American Language," by John Ciardi, Harpers & Row, Publishers, 1980, Mr. Ciardi writes the following note p.192: hubba-hubba WWII. A variable expressive. When shouted by troops, a cry of enthusiasm. When shouted by an officer or a noncom, a command to react enthusiastically and on the double. [Based on 'hubbub.' It is the fixed dementia of the military mind that troops can be made enthusiastic by being ordered to shout.]

I have to admit that the meaning of "hubba-hubba" that I know from growing up in the '70's - yes, I was an Eric Forman type character, but without the leadership or hot girlfriend - actually I was a lot like the boy in Freaks and Geeks, if anyone remembers that excellent tv show that unfortunately only lasted one year!

But as I was saying, in the '70's in my neck of the woods, "hubba-hubba" wasn't used very much... but we all knew what it meant - that girl is hot! In that way, I suppose it's not that different from what people were saying here.

Did - or does - "hubba-hubba" have a different meaning where any of you are from?

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Some Idle Thoughts on Relationships

My friend, Ernest T Spoon, sent me this via email. He claims to have gotten it from his favorite porn site. Porn site or not, this did tickle my funny bone, though probably more because of my recent divorce. But I still think others will find it humorous.

HAPPINESS

- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

CULTURE/SOCIETY and ENTERTAINMENT: My Take on the Michael Jackson Verdict

Actually, I'm not that surprised at the verdict. A bit, yeah, of course. But from what I heard, there was quite a bit of evidence that the charges were fake. I believe the mother had been caught making fake charges before. And the previous charges against Michael had been proven to be fake.

Besides, I'm not 100% convinced Michael is the child molester he is made out to be. He's pretty weird and strange, and doesn't seem to quite understand how the adult/child relationship works, but that doesn't make him a molester. And considering his childhood, it probably shouldn't be a big surprised if Michael doesn't understand how to interact properly with kids. He sure didn't have a good example!

So I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. And just consider him a weirdo!

POLITICS and ENTERTAINMENT: A Look at a Conservative Weekly's "Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries"

"HUMAN EVENTS asked a panel of 15 conservative scholars and public policy leaders to help us compile a list of the Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries. Each panelist nominated a number of titles and then voted on a ballot including all books nominated. A title received a score of 10 points for being listed No. 1 by one of our panelists, 9 points for being listed No. 2, etc. Appropriately, The Communist Manifesto, by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, earned the highest aggregate score and the No. 1 listing. "

1. The Communist Manifesto - by Karl Marx and Freidrich Engels
2. Mein Kampf - by Adolf Hitler
3. Quotations from Chairman Mao - by Mao Zedong

Okay, the first three, I can understand - Communist Manifesto, Mein Kampf and Quotations from Chairman Mao. Though I don't think The Manifesto is all that bad. I think Marx's criticisms of capitalism is pretty on target. I just don't agree with his cure.

I was scared when this group put The Kinsey Report as #4. This book has probably helped us understand sexuality more than any other book in the 20th century!

And then #5 - Democracy and Education by John Dewey. Don't know of this book, but according to the weekly, it "disparaged schooling that focused on traditional character development and endowing children with hard knowledge, and encouraged the teaching of thinking 'skills' instead." Good Lord! Let's not teach our kids any thinking skills. They might become liberals! And start a neoconservative movement!

As for #6 - Das Kapital by Karl Marx - like I said, great criticism, horrible idea how to fix things! (Here's my imitation of Karl Marx - *holding cigar up to my mouth* - "I shot an elephant while writing Das Kapital! Why it was writing Das Kapital, I'll never know!"

#7. The Feminist Mystique by Betty Friedman. From what I hear, this book may have gone a little overboard, but I guess we all know all women should be trapped in their homes!

#8. The Course of Positive Philosophy by Auguste Comte. I never heard of this book. The weekly really does not say anything about the particular book, just about the writer. So I have no idea what is wrong with this particular book in their eyes.

The writer is apparently a problem because he's a ex-Catholic who turned his back on religion. Having been raised Catholic, I guess I'll have to check this guy out some time!

#9 Beyond Good and Evil by Friedrich Neitzche. I don't know Neitzsche very well. But it always sounds to me like Neitzche is an extreme realist and pragmatist. Don't agree with him, but I can see where he's coming from - IF I'm understanding him correctly, which is a big IF with Neitzsche!

#10. General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money by John Maynard Keynes. I won't pretend to know much about economics. I can spend within my limits, but that's pretty much the end of my skills economically speaking. I've heard of Keynes, but don't really know much about him or his ideas.

According to the weekly, "The book is a recipe for ever-expanding government. When the business cycle threatens a contraction of industry, and thus of jobs, he argued, the government should run up deficits, borrowing and spending money to spur economic activity. FDR adopted the idea as U.S. policy, and the U.S. government now has a $2.6-trillion annual budget and an $8-trillion dollar debt."

Well, it seems to me, that FDR's programs helped people through The Depression. And it also seems to me that Clinton had our budget almost balanced, and the recent balooning came with our current president!

As for the honorable mentions -

The Population Bomb by Paul Ehrlich might have been off in its scale of the problem, but let's face it - there'd be a lot less pollution and hunger if there were fewer people on this planet!

B.F. Skinner's Beyond Freedom and Dignity? I have to admit it's been 20 years since I read it. I have it in one of my five boxes of books and could dig it out, but that would be too much work for a blog I don't even get paid to write for. But from what I remember of the late Dr. Skinner, he provided some ideas of things we should do if we were to have a democracy. And I believe he was more of a determinist kind of guy.

Don't remember any of the ideas he suggested, but like most of Skinner's ideas, I remember finding them interesting and worth thinking about if not worth doing. I don't remember the ideas in and of themselves being dangerous. But using them could be dangerous, if I could remember what they were. I just don't remember being scared by them.

Two books by Darwin! The Origin of Species and Descent of Man. Well, we are know why these are here, so what more needs to be said?

And that nasty Ralph Nader - Unsafe at Any Speed - trying to make cars safer, instead of letting the car manufacturers make deathtraps any way they want!

And Freud's Introduction to Psychoanalysis? Okay, I think Freud in a lot of ways is full of bunk. But without him, there would be no psychology. And psychology and psychotherapy has helped a lot of people. I wouldn't want to have been dumped in the kind of treatment insane people were given in Freud's time. I don't think it would have helped me after my episode!

You know, now that some ultraconservative thinktankers and academics made their list, it's time to get some ultraliberal to do the same thing. Well, fellow liberals, any suggestions for what you think are the 10 most harmful books of the 19th and 20th centuries?

POLITICS: An Interesting Rant on the South

Ernest T Spoon sent this to me a few months back. But being the big procrastinator that I am, I'm only put it up now.

I will admit this isn't the most polite dissertation around, but it had enough interesting points, that I wanted to put it up anyway. And to be honest, it was worse! The original title was "F*** the South". But I cleaned up the language, because I'm trying to run a PG/PG-13 site here.

We should have let The South go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we founded this country, jerks. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bull about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the freaking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were freaking blue-staters, dumbhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the freaking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and freaking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those freaking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for freaking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their freaking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this stuff, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dumbheads.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being freaking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the freaking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so freaking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your freaking bridges, jerk.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your freaking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane, you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a freaking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it," we said, but you had to have your freaking orange juice.

The next dirtwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their butt kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal freaking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, jerk, they're blue states. It's not your money, jerks, it's freaking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self-reliance? Try this for self-reliance: buy your own freaking stop signs, jerks.

Let's talk about those values for a freaking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my butt because the blue states got the values over you freaking Real Americans every day of the week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dirtwads? Well? Can you guess? It's freaking Massachusetts, the freaking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the freaking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are freaking blue states, jerk, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to freaking guess? 10 of the top 10 are freaking red we're-so-freaking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its freaking part.

But two guys making out is going to freaking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we freaking get to hear about it every year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're freaking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us freaking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous jerks? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the freaking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, jerks.

Well this gravy train is freaking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bull and shove it where the sun don't shine.

And no, you can't have your freaking convention in New York next time.

HUMOR: Advertising You'll Never See...

HUMOR: Air Flight Humor

Once again an item from The OlderMusicGeek Email Clearing House. Enter our sweepstakes, and we'll get you a bunch of worthless subscriptions for the very slim chance of winning a million dollars!

- On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
- Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"