HUMOR: If One Was CEO

More silly stuff from my company's newsletter. They asked us to submit what we would do if we were ceo. These were some of the better responses in my humble opinion. - OlderMusicGeek

“I would have all announcements over the intercom sung to the tune of the song that's being interrupted.”

“Eliminate the usage of e-mail for one day. It is just amazing how much we as a society and company have become so dependent on it. It would be really neat to see people have to communicate a day without e-mail.”

“I'd encourage all employees to ride goats to work. Here's why: 1. Employees will save tons of money and less headache on surging gas prices because goats do not run on gas, they run on grass. Ha! 2. The company will save money on parking lot expansion projects because we can fit more goats there than cars. 3. Every day will be like Ride a Pet to Work Day, which will drive up productivity and make everybody happy at work because we all love our pets. 4. The goats will likely ‘produce’ more goats when they're ‘parked’ in the parking lots, so that will guarantee all future new hires will each get a goat. Oh, my mum can FedEx us some goats for starters if we need to get this plan in action.”

“After a lot of prayer and sincere soul searching, I dug deep down and came up with simple plan that, if I'm only given the chance as CEO to declare it Martial Law, will satisfy the deepest needs and dearest wishes of every employee. We must act now...for the children. Here is my simple plan: If I were CEO I'd suggest that all employees walk to the nearest beautiful piece of farmland, remove the current occupants and start an egalitarian, self-sustaining commune of peace and love. We have plenty of farmers, doctors, masseuses, carpenters, guitar players, belly dancers and gourmet chefs. We won't need money or jobs, just a love of fresh farm food and free massages. At night, if we can be torn from the rampant free love (metaphysically speaking), we will all hold hands in a song of harmony and peace, as days are mostly dedicated to plotting revenge against all our enemies, because Fargo is not that high on hippies. The only rule will be a mandatory two-hour nap and a communal agreement that, although cute, cats are not to be trusted. If they infiltrate, they will turn the commune into a licking and picking station and all of a sudden we will need vacuum cleaners, in which case, we may as well just remain in our office chairs here at (company name deleted)."

I should note all the answers weren't frivolous and there were some good serious responses given - like having a small shop in the building to buy stuff we might need for lunch or at home, various ideas on to better organize our paid time off, getting our anniversary date as a paid holiday and some ideas on how to make our company more environmentally.

HUMOR: Chinese Proverbs

My friend, The Computer/Music Nerd, sent me this email. He said it was in retaliation for all the bad emails I've sent him. - OlderMusicGeek.

Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who runs in front of a car gets tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who runs behind car gets exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man with his hand in his pocket feels cocky all day.
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A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano, a wise man gives his wife an upright organ.
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A man who walks through an airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One with one chopstick will go hungry.
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One who scratches ass should not bite one's fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who eats many prunes will get a good run for one's money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: a man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties are not the best thing on earth! But they are the next to the best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who puts her husband in the doghouse soon find him in a cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who drives like hell is bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who stands on a toilet is high on pot.
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One who lives in glass house should change clothes in the basement.
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A man who fishes in another man's well often catches crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
One who farts in church sits in one's own pew.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

ENTERTAINMENT: My Comments on The Odyssey in My Company's Newletter

Ha ha! I made our company's newletter! :) - OlderMusicGeek

Employees share their favorite books

A great book is the most faithful of companions. After you've read it, it'll never leave you. Today, nine employees share books that have made memorable impressions on them....

The Odyssey by Homer. Epic poem. “I have read it about eight times, have listened to it on audio books twice, and I have it on my MP3 player, so little bits and pieces of it come up randomly with my alternative, punk, swing, bluegrass, reggae and whatnot."

(Actually this is a pretty big deal for me, because Oedipus the King is the only other book I've read more than 3 times. - Some day, I need to explain why Oedipus should be looked up to instead looked at in horror. Thanks Sigmund Freud for making Oedipus look so bad. I will let you know that Oedipus did NOT know that she was his mother and was horrified when he found out! -

But back to The Odyssey and reading. In fact, I rarely read - or listen to - a book twice, because I feel that's taking time away from reading or listening to a new book. So that I read The Odyssey eight times and listened to it twice should give some idea what it means to me!)

"I’m not exactly sure why this books speaks to me, but part of it is because of Odyseus’s dedication. In the 20 years he was gone, no matter what happened, what stood in his way, he was determined to return to his wife and son."

"And Odysseus got out of all of his troubles by using his head. He didn’t just use his sword to get out. In fact, he realized his sword would sometimes get him in bigger trouble. He is a thinking man’s action hero."

"Finally, Odysseus wasn’t perfect. He lost all his men, and he lost a number of them because of wrong decisions he made. And he admitted to himself that he made those mistakes.”— (I do NOT put my name of the internet!), quality assurance review analyst, Iowa Medicaid (no directory photo available)

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Sloganizing Names

Got this bulletin from my internet friend, Fanyu, on MySpace. (She just got married, so if you use the link, tell her congratulations! Don't tell her how you know though - let's confuse her royally! :) ) Found it humorous enough to pass on. You get a good one, feel free to leave it in the comments. :) - OlderMusicGeek.

Go to this site & enter your name in the box & hit the Sloganize button. DON'T CHEAT, KEEP THE FIRST ONE THEY GIVE YOU.

www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

1. Ben- "Better ingredients, better Ben."
2. Laura-"Aaahh, Laura!"
3. Gary - "Nobody Better Lay a Finger on my Gary." beat that!
4. biscuit- "Happiness is a cigar called biscuit"
5. Diana - "Leave the Diana To Us"
6. Avery - "Every Avery Helps!"
7. Hunter- "Your Flexible Hunter"
8. Tommy- "Yo Quiero Tommy"
9. Jenna- "The Jenna Breakfast" ehh?
10.Isaac-''The Isaac That Likes To Yes''
11.Allison- "Get Allison or Get Out." ha ha ha.
12. Jackie- "I'm stuck on Jackie, cuz Jackie's stuck on me!"
13. MAKAYLA-"the best part of waking up is makayla in your cup."o yeaa
14. Justin- "A Day Without Justin is Like a Day Without Sunshine" so true..
15. Cady- "cady...its whats for dinner." ..............what?!=o
16.Michelle-©its michelle time©
17.Bryce-"More Than Just a Bryce".
18. Hallie- " Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was hallie that killed the beast."
19.Greg- for our members were the fourth emergancy greg
20.Maddie-"If You Like A Lot of Chocolate on Your Maddie, Join Our Club." wtf?
21.Joe-A Day without Joe is a day without sunshine....they have no idea who i am do they =P
22. Grant- Making grant taste better
23.Savannnahh---> OBey your Savannah
24. DANI3LL3 :) -- the coolest danielle on ice.
25. katelyn (: ----> soulmate name predictor hahhha
26.taylor-- TAYLOR WANTED =)
27.courtney--> where's the courtney? [:
28. lauren--> see the face you love light up with lauren. (=
29. Alyssa - "A Finger of Alyssa is Enough to Give Your Kids a Treat" ahahahah ewwwwww haha why do I get the perverted michael jackson slogan?? :(
OLiViA __ With A Name Like Olivia, It Has To Be Good.
31. Diana - "Diana Tested, Mother Aprroved" lol (= ! ♥
32. kim - "do you eat the kim last?"♥
34. Terry- "What can Terry do for you?!"
35. Jenna- "I'm stuck on jenna,cus jenna's stuck on me" lol
36. Laura - "It's different in a Laura" geesh..
37.rebekah- happiness is rebekah-shaped
38. steph- "got stephanie?" HAHA LMAO.
39.megan - more megan please!
40. addie- "yo quiero addie" :)
41.lindsay- "you cant handle the lindsay!" score!!!
42. julie- "a boys best friend is his julie"
43.jake-- takes a jake but it keeps on ticking
44.CHElSEA-"CHElSEA iS G00d F0R Y0U"
45. Alex-lmao- "Alex- It looks good on you"...lmao
46. Shannon- "You've Always Got Time For Shannon."
47. kristina ♥ - "unzip a kristina"
48. Nicole - "That's Handy, Harry! Stick It In The Nicole." hahaa
49. jessicaa*: "Nothing Sucks Like A Jessica!" [ lmfao ouchh ]
50 James--I Wish I Had A James Weiner
51.alyssa--You'd look so much better with some alyssa .. [ wtf ]
52.Christopher-You'll wonder were all the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Christopher!
53. Bob- When it absolutely, positively has to be Bob overnight.
54. Alison - Which twin has the Alison? (funny, I am a twin)
55. Samantha--Dont get Mad, get Samantha (i'll take care of it.)
56. Michele- Life Should Taste As Good As Michele (Agreed.)
57. Leland- Better Ingredients, Better Leland. ( damn straight)
58. Krystie - Do the Krystie.
59. Michelle- Fall into the michelle.
60. Jacie -Things Happen After a Jacie. =D
61. Claire- Snap into a slim claire. ? gahaha.
62.marissa-So easy no wander Marissa is # 1
63. marcie-Good Marcie has danish written all over it =]
64. Brandon - Promised her anything, But gave her Brandon =]]]]]]]]]]
65.ashley-your in good hands with ashley =)
66. lmao jess -- CLUNK ClICK EVERY JESS :]
67.jordan-we bring jordan to life
68. kay- wear kay
69. nicole- There's First Love, and There's Nicole Love.
70. Does the hard tim for you??????/ what the fuck does that mean
71. Ashley - Ashley prevents that sinking feeling. haha
72. Krista- Their's more then one way to eat a Krista. ewww lol
23. Elizabeth- whatever you're into, get into Elizabeth. . haha i'm not a hoe. . .but this shit is madd funny.
69:ETHAN-TOP BREEDERS RECOMEND ETHAN
70:dale-Bet You Can't Eat Dale.
71.Margaret- Don't You Just Love Being In Margaret?-ahahahahahaha, weirrrrrd.
72.Roxxi-There's no Wrong Way to Eat a Roxxi.
73. Howie - He Who Thinks Howie Drinks Howie.
74. Krys - "Just One Krys - Give It To Me!" LMFAOOAAHAKHKLFsdgldsgThat's
75.Stephaniee - Handy, Harry! Stick It In The Stephanie.
76. KELSIE- "it takes a tough man to make a tender Kelsie
77.SAM-"with a name like sam,it has to be good"-lmfao
78-marissa- A glass and a half in every Marissa
80. luke-"The Future is near. The future is Luke" and "Break me off a piece of that luke" no one can beat them!
81. Do the Anna
82.) Emily - "Get Serious. Get Emily" Haha ;)
83) What can Janean do for you?
84) OBEY YOUR MELISSA (THIS ONE MUST BE FOR YOU DALE...LOL)
85) Cindy- Life Should Taste as good as Cynthia. HAHAHA
86) There's more than one way to eat an Amanda
87) I scream,you scream, we all scream for Dave! mmm-hmmm...
88) "When you've got Nikki, flaunt it!"
89) And all because the lady loves OlderMusicGeek

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Why Do People.......???

WARNING: Some pictures in this blog entry are rather gruesome!

My friend, The Sassy Witch, sent this to me. She got it from her daughter. I found it touching and am passing it on. - OlderMusicGeek



Wake up and pay attention!

Why do people commit suicide?



Why do people cut themselves?



Why do girls become anorexic and bulimic?



Why do kids bring guns to school?



Why do kids get depressed...so they start using meds, and abusing them?



Why do girls feel the need to act like sluts to impress guys?



Why cant people show their sexuality freely, without worrying about being judged?



In the Bill Of Rights, it says we have FREEDOM OF SPEECH! So why are we so afraid to speak up for ourselves?

I KNOW WHY!






"Whores"



"Geeks"



"Goths"



"Emos"



AND THAT'S NOT EVEN HALF OF THEM!

Society in general





IS THIS AMERICAN?



IS THIS THE NATION FIGHT AND WE LIVE IN WARS TO SUPPORT?



I AM SICK OF IT!
Stereotypes, and everything else.
I want to live in a good place, without suicide, rape, murder, and JUDGMENT!



IF THIS HAD ANY AFFECT ON YOU REPOST IT!


No, a ghost will not rape your dog.
You wont have relationship problems
No you won't die in 7 days.
BUT you will have the guilt on your shoulders that you didn't try to get the message across.
I want to stop the madness.
If I only reached out to 1 or 2 people that's fine.
At least MY conscience is clear...HOW ABOUT YOURS?

Send this to 10 people if you agree with this. if you dont then ignore it.

HUMOR: Finding Inner Peace

Yes, I am trying to clear out my emails. I actually got this from my mom of all people! - OlderMusicGeek

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

HUMOR: Cookies, A Love Story

This is an old email sent to me long ago that I never got around to putting up here. Though I should have! It's from my ex, The Sassy Witch . :) - OlderMusicGeek


COOKIES, A LOVE STORY -- A Touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those" she said, "they're for the funeral."

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Men Wearing Pink Shirts

This was in my work's newsletter and I just found it interesting. Can't say I would comfortable wearing a pink shirt. :) - OlderMusicGeek

Pink Shirt Guy (alias to hide where I work) issues the pink shirt challenge

Pink Shirt Guy, programmer/analyst in System Support Services at (business name removed), encouraged his male coworkers in Information Services to step outside their comfort zones last week.

With permission from IS management, Pink Shirt Guy invited IS employees, but males in particular, to wear pink shirts on August 10. “For most guys, wearing the color pink is a big no-no,” he wrote in an e-mail to IS. “For others, it’s a sign of confidence in one’s self.”

Recently, men in IS had been discussing whether they would wear pink, and many said they never would. One of those employees was Tech Support Analyst II. Then he lost a weightlifting bet to Pink Shirt Guy, and his end of the deal was to wear a pink shirt to work. The day Tech Support Analyst II wore the pink shirt, Pink Shirt Guy and Technical Support Intern were wearing pink shirts, too. That’s when Pink Shirt Guy got the idea to propose a pink shirt day to all the men in IS.

Pink Shirt Guy hadn’t been a fan of the color pink until someone bought him a pink shirt, and he made the bold move of wearing it to a job interview. One of the interviewers commented that his choice of attire conveyed confidence. Pink Shirt Guy was later offered the job. “It makes you stand out when you wear a color you don’t usually wear,” he said.

Pink Shirt Guy noticed there were a lot of first-timers Friday, including a few who said they never would wear pink. “As the saying goes, ‘real men wear pink',” he said.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Woman Sells Husband's Former Wife's Ashes

One of my biggest pet peeves is spouses and parents who get rid of stuff without talking to the spouse or child. To me, that just shows disrespect and thoughtlessness towards your spouse or child, and a disregard for that person's feelings and emotions and disregard for what is important to that person.

And yes, I dealt with this issue. In fact, it got to the point where I had to check the garbage after my ex went to work. And when she asked what I had been doing in garbage, I told her.

So this article to me is a perfect example of that arrogance of you knowing better than that person. - OlderMusicGeek

Ex-wife's ashes sold for 50 cents
Helen Stylianou and wires
August 07, 2007 10:37am

A BUYER at a garage sale has come away with more than they bargained for after walking away with a ceramic turtle containing a woman's ashes.

Associated Press reported a woman New York accidentally sold her husband's previous wife's ashes at a garage sale over the weekend.
Anita Lewis accidentally sold the ceramic turtle containing the ashes to a lady who paid a mere 50 cents ($A0.58).

Husband Terrence Lewis was asleep as his wife collected items from around the couple's home for the sale, picking turtles which adorned the house and which Terrence's deceased wife had been a collector of.

"We have lots of turtles," she told the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper. "It didn't even register that this was the one (containing the ashes)."

The large turtle containing the ashes was bought by an un-identified woman who said she planned to use it as a cookie jar even though the lid could not be opened.

There is now a desperate search on to find the buyer for the return of the turtle.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Important Workplace Information

My workplace had this very important piece of information in its newletter. Thank the god! I was so worried how to pronounce it! - Note: I change the initials slightly and the name of the company to protect my identity - OlderMusicGeek

‘S-P-A-S,’ not ‘Spazz’
8/7/2007
SPAS is pronounced “S-P-A-S” (es-pee-ay-es) and not "Spazz."
Even before Sorta Picky Administrative Services became a subsidiary of Sorta Picky Mutual Insurance Co. on October 1, 2002, Sorta Picky determined the correct pronunciation of the SPAS acronym would be the spoken letters and not something that rhymes with jazz. Pronouncing SPAS as “Spazz” does not build the positive brand image that SPAS deserves.

I'm so glad to know we work for NOT Spazz! - OlderMusicGeek

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: An English Lesson and a Song about Daves

A funny english lesson sent to me by a comedian who's a myspace friend. - OlderMusicGeek



And this one is from my much younger brother's myspace page. - OlderMusicGeek