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Showing posts with label Ernest T Spoon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ernest T Spoon. Show all posts

Saturday, April 25, 2009

HUMOR and POLITICS:ICE Raids Liberate Terrible New Jobs, Homes For Americans

Ernest T Spoon sent me this from News Mutiny. - OlderMusicGeek

ICE Raids Liberate Terrible New Jobs, Homes for Americans

A series of coordinated raids by the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (ICE) has liberated hundreds of terrible jobs and homes for Americans, ICE officials report.

Conducted over the past two weeks, the raids targeted illegal aliens where they live - in low income housing tenements and encampments throughout California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.

An estimated 2,000 decrepit homes, tents and terrible, low paying jobs previously occupied by the migrants have been made available for American citizens as a result of the campaign, authorities say.

Michael Winter of Stockton, California, unemployed for more than ten months in large part due to competition posed by mostly illiterate, indigenous natives of Mexico who speak little English or Spanish, is thankful for his awful new job picking strawberries five times slower than his predecessors.

"Stooping over ten thousand times a day to hand pick ten thousand berries in the hot sun for half the money it would cost to rent an apartment for my family to sleep in isn't necessarily my dream job, but it definitely beats not having a job and living in a box in some canyon somewhere," Winter said.

Winter’s wife Sarah is as equally enthusiastic about the box she and her family are living in under an elder tree in Rosewell Canyon.

"The garbage bags nailed to the roof help keep some of the rain out," she said, "And the kids like it so far. Like they’re camping. They enjoy pooping in holes in the ground and just tossing their litter wherever. At first I tried to keep all the garbage contained in one place, but then figured, 'f*** it'."

David Loemann of the Conservative Coalition of America applauded the ICE raids: "In today's globalized, free market world, we've come to recognize that laws against business, and Mexicans, are inherently evil."

A link to the original site

Monday, November 24, 2008

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Why Is Our Thanksgiving Bird Called A Turkey?

Ernest T Spoon sent me this. I edited down a bit, felt it was too long for my blog. You can read the full piece here. - OlderMusicGeek

11-24-08
Why Is Our Thanksgiving Bird Called a Turkey? (Answer: Because, of course, it came from Turkey)
By Larry E. Tise

Mr. Tise is Wilbur & Orville Wright Distinguished Professor of History at East Carolina University.

Remember all those big fat turkeys we sketched as kids when Thanksgiving rolled around every November? Even if most of us lacked any artistic skill whatsoever, we could make a stick figure of a plump and feathery bird complete with a bright red wattle waiting to become a Thanksgiving dinner. And we could also pencil or crayon black-hatted Pilgrims and Indians in feathery headdresses gathering at table to devour cranberries and a hugely breasted, cooked bird with drumsticks pointing skyward. Drawing this primordial American scene was one of the few rituals of our national civic religion—just as American as apple pie—in which we could all participate without fear of offending one religious group or another.

Never mind that this homage to a pastoral original Thanksgiving was largely the creation of stiff Victorians. Never mind that this fictionalized version of a love-feast between land-grabbing Europeans and innocent Native Americans was about as accurate as caricatures of a happy-go-lucky banjo playing slave. Never mind that English colonists in scattered encampments from New England to Virginia were always close to starvation; or that they literally stole their food from Indian tribes who, from time immemorial, only grew enough food or snared the game needed to support a subsistence living.

But at the center of our sketches of the first Thanksgiving was that big bird. When all was said and done about make-believe Thanksgivings, imaginary love feasts, and feigned celebrations between European and American stick figures, there was the perpetual centerpiece of the Thanksgiving feast. Even if harmony among men was more hoped-for than real at Thanksgiving and though we might say different prayers to different gods, when our families gathered on this most American of days, we would always have that fat, winged delectable dish awaiting us—the turkey.

But if the turkey is as American as motherhood and apple pie, why for god’s sake is the name of this bird the same as the name of a vast and important country in the Middle East? How the American bird we know as turkey got the moniker “turkey” and not huexoloti (Aztec) or guajolote (Mexican)—authentic early American names for American turkeys—has much to do with the fact that Turkey was the center of the world at the time.

When Columbus eventually realized that he had not discovered an alternative path to Asia, he began to do what most goofy explorers have done throughout human history. He took home a batch of alternative goods that he hoped would capture the interest of his investors. In the absence of gold—the holy grail of American treasures--he focused upon American animals and plants that had been domesticated by Native Americans. Among these were plant products that could be grown from seed or stem: beans, maize (corn), peanuts, peppers, potatoes, and tobacco. In the realm of fowl, there were two interesting creatures: (1) the Muscovy duck (Cairina moschata) and, of course, (2) our good old Aztec huexoloti (Meleagris gallopavo).

Probably before a single ship from America had been unloaded, seeds, birds, and beasts were headed from Spanish ports to points of call across northern Africa and the Middle East. When corn, tobacco sprouts, and, of course, our huexoloti arrived in the heart of the thriving and vibrant Ottoman Empire—seated in what we now know as Turkey—they came into the hands of probably the most advanced farmers and husbandmen in the world at that time.

Turkish farmers had previously seen the nearest cousins of the huexoloti from Asia (pheasants) and from Africa (Guinea fowl). But these birds were skinny runts compared to the majestic huexoloti. Making use of sophisticated growing and seeding techniques, savvy Turkish farmers in the space of just twenty years had a surplus of both birds and plants for export across Europe. By the 1540s, huexoloti arrived in England. By 1577, the huexoloti had become the principal food bird in the entire English realm—surpassing even chickens and other fowl in both production and consumption.

It will thus probably not come as a surprise that these crops and creatures originally brought forth from the New World had acquired interesting new and permanent names. Corn arrived in England as Turkish maize. Tobacco took an identity it still has today--Turkish tobacco. And the good old huexoloti had lost all association with the new world and would be forever known in English simply as the turkey.

This explains how the American huexoloti acquired its name from Turkey, but not how the turkey from Turkey became the Thanksgiving bird of the United States. That brings us back to the Pilgrims and their plump turkeys. If the Pilgrims and other English colonists served wild American turkeys—or so the story goes—at their Thanksgiving spreads, how could they have had such robust breasts? Wild American turkeys (silvestris, or cousins of the huexoloti) were sleek and ravenous scavenging birds that raced from one meal to another eating nuts, seeds, berries, grapes, snails, crickets, beetles, and delicate shoots arising from many cultivated crops. Resistant to control or reproduction in captivity, they were notorious enemies of proud farmers. Fleet afoot, able to fly short distances, and properly cooked a tasty dish, they lack the proper manners to live in an agricultural society. They were, in fact, killed everywhere by European colonists as nuisance birds.

English settlers in both Virginia and Massachusetts, spoiled with the familiar, though less tasty big birds that came from Turkey, immediately demanded to bring their own turkeys to America. English turkeys deriving from Turkey arrived in Jamestown in 1614 and in Massachusetts prior to 1629. As European settlements spread, so did their herds of domestic turkeys. The wild cousins of the huexoloti that once inhabited most of North America retreated to more congenial frontiers--as did their native names.

This latter finding brings us full circle to the question of how Americans could have overlooked so thoroughly this unique heritage we derived many centuries ago from the Middle East. We tend to think that America discovered the Middle East when our oil companies went to Islamic lands in search of liquid gold; when we remember American links to the state of Israel; and when we contemplate that Jews and Christians trace their religious roots to Jerusalem. We too often forget that Islamic believers find their religious origins in the same land; that Jews, Christians, and Muslims worship a single God; that a thousand years ago Europeans crusaded to dislodge the Islamic branch of this tradition from this shared homeland. And, also, that while Europeans were building a Holy Roman (i.e., Christian) Empire bereft of Moors and Jews, busy Islamic merchants, lawyers, alchemists, and farmers inhabiting the Middle East were advancing the world’s knowledge in mathematics, chemistry, law, and, yes, agriculture.

Thus, this Thanksgiving when we gather to partake in this most hallowed and quintessential of America’s holidays, we should remember as we look toward the big bird in the middle of our table that it is after all a turkey that came to us from Turkey; that it was brought into our culture by European forbears deeply influenced by their connections to Islamic commerce and culture in the Middle East; and that we have been a part of a shared planet for a very long time.

And, then, let us say our thanksgiving prayers to Yahweh, Allah, or by whatever name might be known the God of these shared faiths.

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Comments (2)

Thanksgiving in Turkey (#129346)
by Meltem Birkegren on November 24, 2008 at 2:28 AM
Funny thing is: in Turkey the bird Turkey is called "Hindi", since the Turks thought the bird came from further east, in this case from India (Hindistan). As a tradition, Turkey bird is eaten as a whole, only on New Year's Eve in Turkey, therefore, it's not even possible to find the whole bird other times of the year, otherwise turkey meat in many forms (even turkey doener)is sold all year long.
I'm a Turkish-American & happen to be in Istanbul at this moment, and I've been trying to find a turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner, but was told at various markets, the birds will ship out only after the 15th of December. I put in a special order, and not yet sure if it'll come by Wednesday. Otherwise, we'll have to eat a chicken!!

Monday, September 01, 2008

HUMOR: The Prospector

This is a joke the Ernest T Spoon to me. - OlderMusicGeek

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey, and was mighty dry.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."


The morals of this story are:
#1. Don't waste ammunition.
#2. Don't mess with old guys.

Monday, August 25, 2008

POLITICS and CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Devolution Of The Baby Boom Generation

Ernest T Spoon sent me this in an email. I edited it down a bit. Here's a link to the complete piece. - OlderMusicGeek

Goodbye and Get Lost!
The Devolution of the Baby Boom Generation
By JOHN F. MIGLIO

Some people say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
--John Lennon

Although Albert Camus died before baby boomers took charge of the world and placed their redoubtable imprimatur on the political scene, he foreshadowed their eventual devolution in this prescient statement: "Conformity is one of the nihilistic temptations of rebellion which dominate a large part of our intellectual history. It demonstrates how the rebel who takes to action is tempted to succumb, if he forgets his origins, to the most absolute conformity. And so explains the twentieth century."

Camus was right, of course. As a baby boomer, it doesn't make me happy to say this; however, how else does one explain the "absolute conformity" (not to mention hypocrisy) of my once-rebellious generation? How else does one explain the disgraceful situation in which our country now finds itself?

We're the ones who created this mess. We're the ones who abrogated our political idealism and slowly but surely conformed to establishment power and corporate materialism. And we're the ones who allowed George W. Bush to slime his way into the presidency and bankrupt the country both economically and morally.

No wonder young people and Europeans hate our guts. The sad truth is, if you had told me in 1968 (40 years ago) that in 2008 the United States would be bogged down in another unnecessary war of choice that would kill thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, I wouldn't have believed you. In fact, I would have said, "No, I think Americans have learned their lesson with Vietnam and won't make that mistake again."

If you had told me 40 years ago that Americans would eventually embrace free market economics, become slaves to multinational corporations, and allow the upper one per cent of the population to own 40% of its wealth, I would have laughed and said, "I agree with Mencken that Americans are not the brightest inhabitants on the planet, but they're at least smart enough to know when they're being played for saps!"

If you had told me 40 years ago that the stock market would crash in the late 1990s, that hundreds of thousands of citizens would lose their homes to foreclosures and that major banks would fail in 2008, I would have said, "Not possible! We learned our lesson from the Great Depression regarding the importance of strong government regulations and oversight of the real estate and financial markets!"

If you had told me 40 years ago that in 2008, the price of gas would be over $4 a gallon and that the country still wouldn't have an energy policy based on renewable energy rather than fossil fuels, I would have said, "Are you kidding? I just read the latest issue of Popular Science, and by the turn of the century Americans will all be riding in electric cars."

If you had told me 40 years ago that marijuana would still be illegal in 2008 and that over a third of our prison population would be in jail not because they hurt anyone but merely because they possessed drugs, I would have said, "Nah, by the turn of the century, even the most conservative stiffs will wake up and realize that making drugs illegal is a huge mistake."

If you had told me 40 years ago that 47 million Americans would not have health insurance in 2008 and that the accumulated debt on their medical bills would be the leading cause of bankruptcy, I would have said, "Americans are compassionate people. That could never happen."

If you had told me 40 years ago that the presidential elections of 2000 and 2004 would be stolen by the Republicans courtesy of the Supreme Court and Diebold, I would have said, "Nonsense! The Democratic Party would never stand for that!"

I could go on, of course, but you get the idea. So maybe I was a dreamer 40 years ago. Then again, my generation didn't exactly live up to expectations. So what's next for baby boomers? What's next for America? If Camus thought the 20th Century was an age of conformity, imagine what he would say about the 21st Century!

Lucky for us, no one reads Camus anymore. After all, he was French… and an intellectual… and a left-wing radical; everything Americans despise and distrust. They would never have a beer (much less a glass of wine) with someone like Camus. Americans like regular guys, like George W. Bush and John McCain.

John F. Miglio can be reached at: onreview@comcast.net

A link to the original piece

Thursday, July 10, 2008

POLITICS: Man Retires Rather Than Honor Helms

Ernest T Spoon sent me this article from The Charlotte Observer. I edited it down some, but here's a link to the original piece. - OlderMusicGeek

Man retires rather than honor Helms
By Ryan Teague Beckwith
(Raleigh) News & Observer

RALEIGH --
L.F. Eason III gave up the only job he'd ever had rather than lower a flag this week to honor former U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms.

Eason, a 29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture, instructed his staff at a small Raleigh lab not to fly the U.S. or N.C. flags at half staff Monday as called for in a directive to all state agencies by Gov. Mike Easley.

When a superior ordered the lab to follow the directive, Eason decided to retire rather than pay tribute to Helms.

“I … understand that my decision is not acceptable. You cannot ignore that fact. There is the law, but there is also a higher law I must follow as a matter of conscience,” he wrote to Easley and Agriculture Commissioner Steve Troxler.

“Regardless of any executive proclamation, I do not want the flags at the North Carolina Standards Laboratory flown at half staff to honor Jesse Helms any time this week,” Eason wrote just after midnight, according to e-mails released in response to a public records request.

He told his staff that he did not think it was appropriate to honor Helms because of his “doctrine of negativity, hate and prejudice” and his opposition to civil rights bills and the federal Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.

When the lab opened Monday morning, the flags were not put out at all, but an employee called Eason's boss, Stephen Benjamin. Around 10:45 a.m., Benjamin told one of Eason's co-workers to put the flags at half staff.

No one in the governor's office was aware of any times in recent memory when a state employee refused to lower a flag. Brian Long, a spokesman for the Agriculture department, said Eason's refusal was unexpected since he has not had similar problems in the past.

In a string of e-mails with his superiors, Eason, 51, was told he could either lower the flags or retire immediately.

He pleaded to be allowed to stay.

Eason, who had worked for the agriculture department since graduating from college, was paid $65,235.

It was not the first time Eason felt uneasy about lowering the flag.

A registered Democrat who said he frequently votes a split ticket, Eason said he had no problems lowering the flag for former Sen. Terry Sanford or President Ronald Reagan. But he remembers wondering whether he would be able to lower the flag after President Richard Nixon's funeral.

He never had to make that decision, since it rained both days.

But it was sunny Monday. And Eason is now out of a job.

A link to the original article

Thursday, June 12, 2008

POLITICS: What To Do With Our Rebate Checks

Well, I already put the text up 3 months ago, but Ernest T Spoon sent me some cartoons that go well with it, so I posting it again with the cartoons! Plus, I figured I better put them up while they're still topical! - OlderMusicGeek


How to use the rebate
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Middle East.
If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap, it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

Monday, March 17, 2008

HUMOR and POLITICS: How to Use the Rebate

Another email forwarded to me from Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

How to use the rebate
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Middle East.
If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap, it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

HUMOR: Important Computer Maintenance

I got this email from Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

Subject: Important computer maintenance

Often we dust off the cabinet and clean the mouse on our computers. We forget about one of the most important pieces of equipment, the monitor.I have found the neatest program to automatically clean monitors. I used it on mine and it is amazing how it worked! Just click on the link below and watch it work! It's as easy as that!

http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resources/screenclean.swf

Saturday, January 26, 2008

HUMOR: New Words

Well, this is an email that I got from Ernest T Spoon. I was able to verify that The Washington Post does indeed have neologism contests, which are sponsored by their columnist Bob Levey - but they are monthly, not yearly. But I wasn't able to verify if these are from that contest.

But I don't care. They're funny. So I'm printing them. Besides - having an English degree, how could I not appreciate them and reprint them? :) - OlderMusicGeek

WARNING: There's a mild swear word at the end - for those of you who don't appreciate that.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

These are words from the dictionary altered it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (I've been on both sides of this :) - OMG)
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. (This one is my favorite :) - OMG)
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Garbologists: US Consumers Should be Ashamed of Lack of Waste Production Over 2007 Holidays

This was forwarded to me from Ernest T Spoon. It's originally from NewsMutiny. - OlderMusicGeek

Garbologists: US Consumers Should be Ashamed of Lack of Waste Production Over 2007 Holidays

Covering nearly three acres of land, the mountain of garbage trucked into the Fresh Kills landfill in Queens, New York the day after Christmas this year consisted of an estimated 35,000 tons of refuse - a pittance of filth relative to the usual prodigious holiday waste production of the area it serves.

Pensively contemplating the unopened packaging of a Leo Tolstoy bobblehead figure lying amidst the fly-ridden skeleton of a half-eaten turkey carcass at the base of a two hundred foot tall pile of junk, Fresh Kills Chief Operator Michael Lewis lamented, "We're usually good for 40,000 tons everyday for at least a week past Christmas, but not this year. Not even close."

Lowered hauls of trash were the norm across the nation as consumers in the United States barely produced 30 million tons of waste this holiday season, a harbinger of economic hardship for everyone if the trend continues, garbologists claim.

"Waste production is a barometer of health for a consumer based economy, but drops such as we're seeing this year can also indicate a lack of patriotism when other economic vital signs fail to absolve consumers for not going out and purchasing vast amounts of products regardless of whether they need them or not," remarked garbologist Grant Simon, "Americans who are most to blame - the ones who make their own presents and decorations, impose spending limits for gift buying, and conduct Secret Santa methods of gift distribution even amongst their own families should be ashamed of themselves."

Not limited to a disappointing haul in discarded cell phones, coffee mugs, perfectly functional DVD players, television sets, fruitcake and non-voice activated electronics, sanitation officials report that reduced levels of solid human waste flowing through their treatment facilities indicate Americans consumed less food this holiday season as well.

Noted economist Philip Buchanon: "You can see a lot looking into a toilet, and what's floating in America's collective bowl is certainly a sad, sorry disappointment."

A link to the original piece

Friday, December 21, 2007

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Why Men Don't Create Christmas Wrapping

This is an email I got from good old Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

Why men don't create Christmas wrapping...





A link to all my Christmas and holiday posts

Happy Christmas and/or Boxing Day and/or Kwanzaa and/or Hannakah and/or Bodhi Day and/or Sanghamitta Day and/or Shabe Cheleh and/or Makara Sankranti and/or Junkanoo and/or Dong Zhi and/or Toji and/or Soyal and/or Yule and/or Seva Zistane and/or Alban Arthan and/or Long Night and/or Mean Geimrech and/or Brumalia and/or Dies Natalis Solis Invicti and/or Saturnalia and/or Lenaea and/or Wren Day and/or Tekufah Tevet and/or Winter Solstice and/or ChriFSMas and/or any other December or winter solstice holidays i missed!

Oh, and Bah Humbug to those who don't celebrate the holidays! :)

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

HUMOR: A Rough Night after Drinking

This was sent to me by Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

Nick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Pat."

Pat replies, "OK Nick, I'll be on my way then."

Pat spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"I am so drunk," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jes, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Pat. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Pat says, "I did, Jes. I was so drunk. But how'd you know?"

"Nick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the bar."

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

HUMOR: It Took All Weekend, but I Put My Tree Up

This is a holiday email Ernest T Spoon sent me. - OlderMusicGeek


It took all weekend, but I finally put my tree up.




Happy Christmas and/or Boxing Day and/or Kwanzaa and/or Hannakah and/or Bodhi Day and/or Sanghamitta Day and/or Shabe Cheleh and/or Makara Sankranti and/or Junkanoo and/or Dong Zhi and/or Toji and/or Soyal and/or Yule and/or Seva Zistane and/or Alban Arthan and/or Long Night and/or Mean Geimrech and/or Brumalia and/or Dies Natalis Solis Invicti and/or Saturnalia and/or Lenaea and/or Wren Day and/or Tekufah Tevet and/or Winter Solstice and/or any other December or winter solstice holidays i missed!

Oh, and Bah Humbug to those who don't celebrate the holidays! :)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

HUMOR: Humor for Lexophiles

I'm sucker for a good pun - or even bad ones! So I pass these along that Ernest T Spoon sent me. :) - OlderMusicGeek

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

HUMOR: Is Mommy Near the Phone?

Another email from Ernest T Spoon. This one is definitely PG-13. :) - OlderMusicGeek

"Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Friday, November 09, 2007

HUMOR: One Day on I-80

This is an email from Ernest T Spoon. It originally mentioned our state, but I don't like giving too many details about myself on the web, so I changed the state name to "the midwest". - OlderMusicGeek.

Two men were driving on I-80 in the midwest, when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in the midwest, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over here, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, “the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd hell did you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says. "Two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say I wish that jerk would've tried that with me!"

Thursday, October 25, 2007

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Do You Remember?

This is an email from Ernest T Spoon. He's a little older than me, so he probably remembers this stuff better than me. :) - OlderMusicGeek, but not that old! :)

The perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. Remember any of these?

Candy cigarettes

Plastic Army Men

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

Chief Pontiac Signs

P.F. Fliers

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines

Howdy Doody

45 RPM records

45 rpm spindles

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Roller-skate keys

Cork pop guns

Marlin Perkins

Drive in Movies

Drive in restaurants

Car Hops

Studebakers

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush ManMy dad was a Fuller Brush man!


Sky King

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

Erector Sets

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards

Penny candy

25 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn

5 cent stamps

Gum wrapper chains

5 cent Cokes

Cigarettes for Christmas

Falstaff Beer

Burma Shave signs

Brownie camera

Flash bulbs

TV Test patterns

Old Yeller

Chef Boy-ar-dee

Timmy and Lassie

Ding Dong Avon calling!!

Brylcreem

Aluminum Christmas Trees

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . . ..I double-dog-dare-ya!

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