Shadyside, November 24 — The Shadyside Police Department reported a sharp spike in violent crime over the weekend, attributed to the early start of Christmas music in area stores.
The Department reported 7 aggravated assaults, 2 robberies at gunpoint, 3 car thefts and 24 arrests for public intoxication.
At a press conference late Sunday evening, Police Chief Jim Burgles remarked, “It appears that many subjects have been provoked by near-constant playing of Christmas carols throughout the city.”
One victim of one such a crime, Martha Vanderwhip, told of her horrifying experience. “I was shopping in Target, looking at the salad spinners on sale, and this man came up to me and started screaming,” recounted Mrs. Vanderwhip tearfully. “He was saying, ‘I can’t take it any more, I can’t take it any more,’ and he smelled like eggnog. He was holding this pink Christmas tree and waving it around like a weapon, knocking over all the candy cane displays.”
Store security staff managed to tackle the man and restrain him with strands of tinsel, according to Shadyside Target Manager Bing Whitman. The deranged man has not been identified by police.
The City Mental Health Commission also noted a rise in the volume of calls to the Municipal Crisis Hotline over the weekend. “People with fragile mental health may be driven over the edge by the unseasonably early excess of holiday spirit,” said Commissioner Luisa Gonzalez, “and they should not be afraid to seek help.”
Origin site - http://shadysideusa.wordpress.com/2008/11/26/violent-crime-spikes-over-weekend-due-to-early-christmas-music/
You call me Frank. It just easier. People think me called Frankenstein because of doctor who make me. But me not him. Me his monster. Me get called Frankenstein so much that me make peace with it. Better though just call me Frank.
It funny story how me end up doing trick-or-treating this year with nephew Kevin. Kevin not really nephew, but he call me Uncle Frank because his dad-creator, Dave, is close friend. Frank best man at Dave’s wedding, to Tracy. Tracy sometimes a bit much to take, but Frank try to get along with her. Before Halloween, Dave say he taking Tracy out of town. Need to have day to “talk about us,” so they ask Frank to take quote-unquote nephew to trick-or-treating. “Frank already have costume,” they joke. Tracy make joke sound mean. Me agree to go, because me care for quote-unquote nephew Kevin...
At next house, nice old lady answer door and give Kevin Tootsie Roll. She say Frank’s costume good. Dave tell me this would happen because Frank’s clothes look like costume. Jacket tattered, but Frank always say comfort over fashion. So me thank old woman (maybe witch or maybe just also bad fashion sense). Kevin say thank you, too...
At last house, young couple say bolts in Frank’s neck look real. Frank smile polite but couple reach out to touch bolts. Frank get scared and kill couple. Feel sad but was only thing Frank could do...
To read full piece - http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/frankensteins-monster-goes-trick-treating
