ON ANOTHER BLOG: "PERSONALITY: 44 Odd Things About Me" on OlderMusicGeek's Stupid Tests And Quizzes (just click here)

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

I found this from Humor Matters while surfing the net. - OlderMusicGeek

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that effect.

A link to all my Christmas posts

Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you're celebrating!
MY CHRISTMAS INTERNET RADIO STATIONS
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CULTURE/SOCIETY: Santa Claus is a Vampire

Merry Christmas. OlderMusicGeek here. But I'm afraid I have bad news for everyone. Especially our children. Most especially our children.

It took me a long time to realize this. And an even longer time to face the awful truth. But now that I know, there's no turning back.

I'm sorry to tell you this people, but the truth must be told!

And that awful truth is - so-called dear old Santa Claus is part of the blood-sucking Undead!


How do I know this you ask! Let me tell the evidence I have gathered, and then you can decide for yourself.

Evidence #1:
When you rearranged the letters of "Santa's Workshop" you get "Satan's Porkshow"! I'm not sure what pigs have to do with vampirism, but I think the cloven hooves may be involved.

Evidence #2:
When you rearranged Claus all you get is Lucas or Sulac. I don't know if Lucas has anything to do with anything, and Sulac just sounds like a Vulcan name. But that would explain the elves' pointy ears!

But wait! Claus is short is Nickalaus. And Ol' Nick is a nickname for the Devil!

Old Nick n. The Devil; Satan. See Regional Note at Old Scratch.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Old Nick Pronunciation: 'Ol(d)-'nik Function: noun-- used as a name of the devil
Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary


Ah, but I hear saying. Oh sure, Santa is Satanic. We've been told about that for years! But that doesn't make him a vampire! Maybe he's just a devil-worshipper.

Just be patient, my dear reader. My evidence is still mounting.


Evidence #3:

As long as we have known old so-called Saint Nicholas, he has always been old... but he never has died. I mean let's face it, people. He has been an old man for at least a hundred and eighty years.

And he's been smoking all that time. And still no lung cancer?! I mean, com'on, people! It's only undead lungs that could handle that much smoking!

I know. I hear you. You're all saying just because he's an immortal devil-worshipper doesn't mean he's a vampire. I know there are other ways to be immortal besides vampirism. And yes, I have heard that some vampires are pagans and even agnostics and atheists, as well as rumors that some vampires in India are Shiva-worshippers...

But wait I have further evidence!


Evidence #4:

When does so-called Saint Nick do his run? At night, that's when! He goes around the world at night!

And where does so-called Saint Nick live? At the North Pole, where is night all day for six monts a year. Ha, what a place for a being who would turn to ashes in sunlight! (For convenience though, we will ignore the fact that the sun also shines all day six months a year at the pole, making it a nasty place for a vampire in the summer.)

Now things are starting to sound more convincing, huh? I know though, some of you are saying, "Okay, so he's a night-loving immortal Satanist. So are a lot a plastic-surgeon using movie stars! That doesn't make him a vampire!"

Evidence #5:

How does such a big man get down chimneys, especially when a lot of us only have a small pipe coming out of the roof of our houses? Well, if you remember your vampire lore, my dear readers, you know that vampires can change into smoke! Than our big man can get into any home he wants!

Okay, I know what you're saying - "So he's a shape-shifting night-loving immortal Satanist! That doesn't make him a vampire. That could describe a movie star turned politician!"


Evidence #6:

Santa is hot with the babes! Don't believe me! Go listen to "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", or better yet "Santa Baby".

How could such a scraggly looking fellow be considered so hot? Vampire sex appeal wouldn't hurt, huh? I mean, come on, a guy with that much hair on his face has to have quite a bit coming out his ears and nose as well as his back and butt. Trust me, I can't grow a beard as thick as his and I still have hair growing everywhere!

Before you saying anything else, I have one last question -

Evidence #7:

Just one question - how do you think his reindeer can fly?

So there I leave you, my dear readers. Doubt if you want, but on Christmas Eve when you feel the whiskers on your face and the teeth dipping into your neck, remember what OlderMusicGeek told you.

We'd all better be good for goodness sake!