CULTURE/SOCIETY and SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION: The Perfect Gift for Easter

Meant to put this up yesterday, but my daughter got a new video game for Easter - and I didn't stand a chance! - OlderMusicGeek

This is from me, not reprinted from somewhere else. - OlderMusicGeek.

Well, I have the perfect gift for anybody this Easter. And it also makes a great Christmas gift too!

Yes, it's the Answer Me Jesus!

To quote the Answer Me Jesus site - Answer Me Jesus™ finally answers the question "What Would Jesus Do?" Like a magic 8 ball but infinitely more wise, Answer Me Jesus™ delivers the answers you seek. Hold the wisdom of the Lord in the palm of your hand and let Jesus shepherd you through the quandaries of life. Hallelujah!

Not intended for use by the closed minded.

And to show how great it works, they have a Ask Jesus webpage on their website.

So I will interview Jesus to show how great it works.

ME: Hey Jesus!
JESUS: I still love you.
ME: What did I do to make you not love me?
JESUS: I still love you.
ME: Okay, fine. So do you think Answer Me Jesus makes a good gift?
JESUS: I died for this?
ME: (uncertain) I don't think so..... So are you saying it would be a bad gift?
JESUS: The holy water will sting!
ME: What? Is the gift too frivolous?
JESUS: Ye of little faith.
ME: Okay, I admit I'm not a Christian. So how about as a gift for non-Christians?
JESUS: Have a nice afterlife.
ME: Okay, you know what? You're getting too snooty for me. Time to end this conversation!
JESUS: Believe.
ME: Believe this!
JESUS: Wait for a sign.
ME: Bye!
JESUS: Resist the devil.

But wait! There's more! Not only can you get the Answer Me Jesus, but there's also the Answer Me Buddha.

To quote the Answer Me Jesus site - What Would Buddha Do? Let Answer Me Buddha™ enlighten you. This faithful plastic friend may only be 6.5 inches tall and 6 inches wide, but he will give you the enlightenment you need to resist life’s temptations. Ask Buddha when you feel you’re losing your Zen and one of 20 responses will offer you guidance in the magic viewing window. “Bend with the wind”, “Seek the truth”, "Good Karma" or “Meditate on it”—you will never cease to be amazed by Buddha’s insight!

Yes, that's the Buddha AND Jesus for all your moral dilemna needs!

But wait! We must crazy! There's still more!

Yes, more than just Jesus and Buddha, the two big saviors!

There's also - if you go amazon.com quickly - Answer Me Santa!

To quote the product description there - Ask Santa a question and turn him upside down for some magical holiday guidance. Answers include "signs point to coal", "if you're good" and "maybe next year".

And finally, I can only quote the Answer Me Jesus website again - Accept Answer Me Jesus™ into your life today and the rewards will be everlasting. Over 11 inches tall and 4 inches wide, Jesus offers 20 different answers to help you choose the righteous path. Ask a question and turn him over—the answer you seek magically appears. Your personal Jesus will respond with wisdom such as “Have faith”, “Yes my child”, or “Sinner”. So the next time you are pondering one of life’s many dilemmas, find out what Jesus would do and repent no more!

ME: You got anything you want to say Jesus before we go?
JESUS: Hypocrite!

A link to the Answer Me Jesus site
A link to all my Easter posts

HUMOR: New Words

Well, this is an email that I got from Ernest T Spoon. I was able to verify that The Washington Post does indeed have neologism contests, which are sponsored by their columnist Bob Levey - but they are monthly, not yearly. But I wasn't able to verify if these are from that contest.

But I don't care. They're funny. So I'm printing them. Besides - having an English degree, how could I not appreciate them and reprint them? :) - OlderMusicGeek

WARNING: There's a mild swear word at the end - for those of you who don't appreciate that.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

These are words from the dictionary altered it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (I've been on both sides of this :) - OMG)
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. (This one is my favorite :) - OMG)
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.