Note: I didn't write the "How to be a Good Democrat" list, I received it in a forwarded e-mail, unattributed. I and one of my readers wrote the "How to be a Good Republican" list. See this blog post for more info.
How to be a good...
| ...Democrat: | ...Republican: |
| You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. | You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread because people are evil and should be punished. |
| You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. | You have to believe that evolution is a myth (despite the evidence of biochemistry and the fossil record) but that Intelligent Design theory should be taught in schools. |
| You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese & North Korean communists. | You have to believe that there is no causal link between legal, easily-obtainable handguns and high murder rates. |
| You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. | You have to believe that unfunded arts and school programs are still subject to government control. |
| You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs. | You have to believe that global temperatures are completely unaffected by fossil fuel emissions, that the best way to save the national forests is to allow logging companies to cut down old-growth timber, and the best way to save endangered species is to allow trophy hunters and wildlife traders to import more of them. |
| You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. | You have to believe that homosexuality is evil (despite the fact that it occurs in nature) and that women should stay at home to cook and bear children. |
| You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. | You have to be against abortion but support capital punishment. |
| You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity. | You have to believe that corporations never purposely hurt anyone to make money. |
| You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do. | You have to believe that hunting requires an automatic rifle. |
| You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. | You have to believe that middle class income should be taxed, but capital gains and inherited wealth should not be. |
| You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. | You have to believe that war is an acceptable solution to any economic or social problem. |
| You have to believe that the military is another political porkbarrel for wealthy campaign contributors of certain politicians. | You have to believe that everyone should support the troops - except when it comes to pay or benefits. |
| You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. | You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. |
| You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. | You have to believe that taxes are for poor and middle class people, not the rich. |
| You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison. | You have to believe that Oliver North and Monica Lewinsky are more important to American history than Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy. |
| You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not. | You have to believe that affirmative action is wrong, because everyone knows there's no more racism in America. |
| You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person. | You have to believe that Ann Coulter is normal and really a very nice person. |
| You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. | You have to believe that the only reason supply-side economics hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. |
| You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House. | You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and draft-dodger belongs in the White House. |
| You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. | You have to believe that all Americans should be white heterosexual Christians. |
| You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States. | You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporations is somehow in the best interest of the United States. |
| You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy. | You have to believe that the media are biased toward liberals, despite the fact that all the major media outlets are owned by ultra-rich conservatives. |
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