HUMOR: You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When.....

I got this from my brother, Harmonica23. - OlderMusicGeek

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When.....
.. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
.. You personally account for more than 1% of the Gross National Product of Brazil.
.. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
.. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
.. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
.. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
.. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
.. Mosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass.
.. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
.. You think skydiving is just too damned slow.
.. You answer the door before people knock.
.. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
.. You can jump-start your car without cables.
.. Your urine stream bores a hole in the toilet.
.. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
.. You stand in front of the microwave oven screaming, "Hurry UP!!!"
.. You lick your coffeepot clean.
.. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

HUMOR: The Donkey and the Raffle

Another email from my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

The Donkey and The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...