HUMOR - Chicken with a telemarketer

CULTURE/SOCIETY: A Couple Of Embarassing Man Moments

I found these in a Glamour magazine at work. If you want to know why I was reading Glamour, it was either Glamour or Us Weekly. I preferred Glamour. - OlderMusicGeek

"I called my girlfriend's house one day and said something dirty when she picked up. 'Excuse me?' asked the voice at the other end. 'Baby, you know what I'm talking about," I said. 'You must think this is my daughter,' replied her mom. I started apologizing like crazy. When my girlfriend got on the line, she set me straight: 'Let it go. It's cool. I'm grown.' Seems like I was the only one flustered."

"I used to hoard condoms from campus safe-sex events. Once, I had a date right after one. My phone rang while we were together, and when I pulled it out of my pocket, a condom slipped out. Then I reached into my bag for something and three more fell out. And my pockets were crinkling like crazy from all the other ones I'd stuff in them. I looked like a condom pinata. Finally, I knew I had to explain that I'm too cheap to buy my own. Thankfully, she laughed."

HUMOR: A Girls' Night Out

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch.

WARNING: Contains adult material. - OlderMusicGeek

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it. So she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,. So he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

''From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

HUMOR: Is Mommy Near the Phone?

Another email from Ernest T Spoon. This one is definitely PG-13. :) - OlderMusicGeek

"Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"