HUMOR and POLITICS: Uh, How Do You 'Lose' 1,000,000 Emails?

Here's Moby's take on how The White House lost 1,000,000 emails from his journal on his website. I found it through, of course, NetVibes. - OlderMusicGeek

i was just reading an article wherein it was revealed that the white house 'lost' 1,000,000 emails over a 2 1/2 year period.

uh, how do you 'lose' 1,000,000 emails?

can you imagine the uproar if gmail lost even 1/10th as many emails? they'd shut down in an instant.

but the white house loses 1,000,000 emails and it's business as usual?

just shrugged shoulders, a lop-sided gop grin, and 'oops'?

i have a theory as to where the emails went:
see, in a debate with john kerry, gw bush referred to 'the internets'. we thought he was just being an ignorant drunk, but maybe he was referring to multiple internets that exist in parallell dimensions? perhaps they've got these huge quantum computers that actually send email into OTHER DIMENSIONS?

so somewhere in a different dimension someone has been getting random emails from the white house? 1,000,000 random emails?

like, 'the vp's getting cranky and needs some cheering up, do we have any homeless people for him to shoot?' or, 'beelzebub called, needs to reschedule his 11 a.m with gw, how's 2pm instead?'

imagine the confusion on the part of the poor guy in the other dimension whose server keeps crashing with the 1,000,000 white house emails he's been receiving.

'zorgot! it happened again! and what's a "cheney"? where does this garbage come from?'

oh, 'zorgot' being the name of the spouse of the person whose server keeps crashing.

i mean, i guess that was pretty obvious, but i thought i'd spell it out nonetheless, what with 'zorgot' being a pretty common name in our closest parallel dimension, like 'john', or 'ahmed' here.

and i wonder, have/has the white house been receiving emails, too? emails from ANOTHER
DIMENSION??

and what do they say?

'VIOXXXX! ONLY $4.00! WOWW!!!! GOT NOW!! ALL GO!' but in an alien language?

i'm guessing that erectile dysfunction is a problem in other dimensions, too, even if the inhabitants of the other dimensions have multiple penises. see, multiple penises: multiple opportunities for the pharmaceutical companies in the other dimension, right? one man's flaccid is another mans $$$.
-moby

A link to the original journal entry on moby.com
A link to the journal on moby.com
A link to just plain moby.com :)

ENTERTAINMENT and HUMOR: The Ten Most Melanin-Free Songs of All Time

This is from the Spin magazine web site. And I found it using NetVibes. I did replace some profanity from the original piece. - OlderMusicGeek

Caucasian Invasion
February 8, 2008

Calling your sketch-comedy troupe The Whitest Kids U' Know seems like a good way to get yourselves stereotyped. Done. So we asked the funny fivesome to come up with the ten most melanin-free songs of all time.

"Informer"
Snow
A Canadian rapper who tries to sound Rastafarian, but his Canadian accent keeps getting in the way.
Dear Snow (back in time): Please don't make any more albums.
Dear Snow (present day): Thank you.

"Fire and Rain"
James Taylor
If you listen to James Taylor all day, a John Denver record sounds like Public Enemy.

"Minuet in G"
Johann Sebastian Bach
OMG, Bach! Does every song have to be in 4/4 time? Jeez! Put some soul in there. We bet Johann never even met a black person.

"Gin and Juice"
Snoop Dogg
This is the one song white kids who don't listen to rap bring up when you tell them they don't listen to rap. Then they show you their Pharcyde CD.

"Tenderly Kissing a Crystal Horse in a Room Made of Clouds"
Moby
We don't know if this is the title of an actual Moby song [Editor's note: It's not], but all his stuff named like that. This guy needs to eat a burger and drink a beer. His music is so white you're not allowed to listen to it after Labor Day.

"I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac"
Hulk Hogan
Just kidding! This stuff is tight! Girls drop their panties when they hear the Hulkster!

"Baby's Got Sauce"
G. Love & Special Sauce
G. Love sucks. If you see a black guy at a G. Love concert, he's probably a spy sent to assassinate him. Godspeed black spies!

"Beverly Hills"
Weezer
This is what Jared the Subway guy listens to as he drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade and folds his laundry.

"Kiss From a Rose"
Seal
We're pretty sure that Seal is just being black ironically.

Their Entire Catalogs
Phish, Matchbox Twenty, and Creed
A three-way tie! Congrats, guys! Everyone who listens to this should be quarantined on a small island and nuked, and then no one should be allowed to record music on that spot for the next 75 years.

a link to the original piece at Spin.com

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Hmmmm, Beer Mixed with Clam Juice and Tomato Juice

Electonica artist Moby did this rather humorous take on a new drink on his blog. While looking for a photo to put in this post, I found someone's rather humorous description of drinking the stuff! - OlderMusicGeek

you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
January 18, 2008

you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
('nuts and gum-together at last' as featured on the simpsons, for example).
years ago i found a flavored bottled water for pets. oh, that was a good one.
they had 'crispy beef flavored water' for dogs.
and 'tangy fish flavored water' for cats.
i'm not making this up. really. i even bought some just so people would believe me that such things existed.
well, today someone sent me a link to 'chelada'.

http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/37389

'what is chelada?' i hear you asking?
and 'is it disgusting?' i hear as your potential follow-up question.
well, here are the answers:

a-chelada is a new product from the anheuser-busch corporation. it combines budweiser beer with clam juice and tomato juice. in a can. for convenience and portability.

b-is it disgusting? well, i haven't tried it, but really, how could beer and clam juice and tomato juice in a can not be disgusting? i mean, how could it not be ipecac-like in it's ability to immediately cause the consumer to start vomiting uncontrollably?

maybe i'm mistaken. maybe people love it and swear by it and find it to be refreshing and tasty.
here's the scene: it's august 10th and it's very hot outside. you've just come back from a long and healthy bike ride and you're hot and sweaty and boy do you want something refreshing to slake your thirst.
'honey! i'm back from my bike ride and boy am i thirsty!'
'welcome back honey, would you like a room temperature can of beer mixed with clam juice?'
'boy would i!!'

i personally see the target market for chelada(clam flavored tomato beer)as being senior citizens who smoke those dark brown 'more' cigarettes and are on their 3rd bypass operation and need oxygen tanks to walk to their car and who've given up and life and want to ingest things that will fill them with a feeling of self-loathing and despair. but i could be wrong.
maybe the clam flavored tomato beer market is younger and more vibrant, sort of like the people who watch the bam margera show and drink mountain dew and listen to rape rock and punch waiters?
here's the ad campaign:

4 guys in a contemporary suv, nu-metal music playing. the 4 guys are drinking chelada clam flavored tomato beer and high-fiving while throwing their empty cans at homeless people and baby deer and bunnies.
voice over: 'extreme! when all you wanna do is party, go with chelada!'
commercial ends as the 4 chelada drinking guys chase a nun down a dark alley, high-fiving all the way.

maybe they're going for the youth market? a jaded youth market, tired of being catered to in unimaginably varied ways, hungry for something new. and what's newer than clam flavored tomato beer(in a 'lite' version for our fitness conscious consumers)?

it makes me wonder what's up next in the anheuser-busch new-product pipeline.

how about:

'partita': mexican rose wine in a can, flavored with real 'south of the border' lizard blood.

'G-filte': sweet passover wine, flavored with whitefish and guarana, for a 100% kosher-kick.

'coro': deep fried beer, filtered through grade-b beef, with 2 tablespoons of lard in every can.

it's a fantastic time to be alive.

-moby


...what the hell? I love you and the flavor combination does sound intriguing enough that you might try it. So, I crack the can and sniff (because that is a trait common amongst males in my family), in order to determine whether the substance has gone bad. Despite the "Born On" date, I still don't trust it. So, I take a whiff and am greeted with a sort of odd combination of water, beer sweat squeezed from a bartop cocktail napkin, and loneliness. Yup! That's Budweiser.

But, I'm not drinking this crap without first seeing it. I bust out one of the pint glasses I stole and fill it. Words cannot describe the horror .

Things that are wrong with this picture:

1. I am holding the glass up to the light, but you cannot see through it.

2. The fluid holds little resemblance to either of the base fluids it is made of.

Oh my Christ, what have I gotten myself into? I mean, I love you. I really do. But this seems a bit far. Like Santa leaving coal in your stocking only to beat you senseless with it.

Wary of my prey, I engaged it in a stare-down. It must know I am stronger and, thus, the victor in this battle:

Due almost entirely to my incredible sideburns, the Chelada backed down and I raised the glass, firing off a short prayer to my colon hoping my sudden faith would halt it evulsing my entire GI tract. Bottoms up? And...

Seconds pass in an eternity of silence...

Nothing. It just tastes like Budweiser, which is kind of a let down. I smell the drink again, wait, then take another sip assuming some critical mass need accumulate before catalyzing a chain reaction of "flavor bursts." Sadly, nothing it me. I put the pint down on the counter, dejected, and pick up the can to see if I needed to shake it or add my own clams or something.

And then it hits me.

Loved one, the evil of the Chelada is perhaps the most evil kind of evil. It is subtle. It sneaks up on you. You sip it and encounter almost nothing yet as I sit here writing, I can still taste the horrid combination of tomatoes, clams, and hops. The aftertaste of this vile substance is probably one of the most veiled evil things I have known and I can't get it to go away. I've brushed my teeth twice already and every time I burp (which has been several times) it comes right back.

So, please, don't imbibe this foul drink. I did it because I loved you enough to find out. To find out if this was the attack on humanity I suspected. It is. It is that and so much more.

The original site of Moby's piece
A link to Moby's blog
A link to Moby's website

The complete piece on Matt, the AntiGenius trying chelada
A link to antigenius.net/blog

POLITICS and ENTERTAINMENT: Moby's Take on Barack Obama

I got this from Moby's blog on MySpace. He talked about all the candidates, but I loved what he had to say about Barack Obama. - OlderMusicGeek

barack obama. first off, he has the single worst name anyone could ever have in the history of politics ever ever ever. barack(rhymes with iraq) hussein(like the guy who tried to kill gw's daddy) obama(one consonant away from bush family pal osama bin laden).

personally i see his terrible name as being kind of a plus, as it really couldn't be worse unless his name was satan hitler babyeater.

he's the least experienced of the candidates but he's also really smart and principled and telegenic. he seems like he would be fun at a barbecue but he'd also be good if you needed help doing your taxes and he'd definitely be nice to you if your goldfish died. ironically i think he's the democrats best chance to win. ironic, as he's:
a-inexperienced
b-1/2 muslim
c-possessed of the worst name in the history of politics

but gw was a coke addict with 2 dui's and a history of running companies into the ground(not to mention a last name that is colorfully and colloquially used to describe ladies baby making parts). so who knows? barack obama seems like the dem's best choice.

plus it would be awesome to have an african-american president. the rest of the world wouldn't be able to hate us as much, which would be nice.

and i hope that dennis kucinich runs every 4 years, because, not to sound shallow, it's great to have a healthy vegan with a beautiful wife running for president.