SCIENCE/TECHNOLOGY - Particle humor!

HUMOR: Sending A Message

A joke sent to me long ago by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

HUMOR and SCIENCE/TECHNOLOGY: 5 Ways To Keep Your Drunken Self Away From The Internet

This was sent as a joke on the mass emailing that the gang who I was in Peace Corps with sends out. Though it's actually by a guy I twitter with! - OlderMusicGeek

5 Ways to Keep Your Drunken Self Away From the Internet
November 14, 2008 - 1:47 pm PDT - by Joel Falconer 14 Comments

Going near the Internet when you’re drunk is a bad, bad idea. Many people have discovered this the hard way. It’s particularly bad if you work online.

Google acknowledged this potential threat of the modern age when they provided a Gmail feature to keep you out of your inbox after you’ve hit the bottle. Once enabled, the feature will ask you to solve some mathematical problems before allowing you to send anything to anyone.

Most people, unfortunately, can still remember where the Calculator application is on their computer, even with a good half bottle of whiskey stuffed in their innards, so this hasn’t proven too effective for most. And still, there’s plenty of damage to be done in places where Gmail’s watchful eyes can’t protect you: Twitter, Facebook, your own blog. Even MySpace, though the chances of anyone noticing drunken behavior as anything but the norm over there aren’t high.

Here are a few methods for keeping your drunken alter-ego away from the computer. Hopefully, you’ll have a tougher time getting around these than you did getting around Gmail’s math quiz.

1. Hide the Power Cable

We all know Mac users like to gloat about how they never have to shut their computers down. But they’re also the most likely to get drunk and go surfing the net in such a sad state. I’m a Mac user myself, I should know.

Shut the computer down, take your power cable, and hide it somewhere. Preferably, your hiding place will require the assistance of a chair to reach, like the top of a cupboard or up in the roof through the manhole. That way, once you’ve had your fill, you won’t be able to get up there. Sure, you’ll try. But you’ll fall off the chair a few times, get a concussion and break some expensive items on your way down.

You certainly won’t be getting anywhere near that cable.

2. Install Linux

Here’s a surefire way to make sure you never make it to the desktop. Install Linux on your computer, and make sure it’s one of those versions that spews out heaps of unreadable machine-speak as it boots up. You know the sort, white text on a black background, a modern day reminder of your DOS years.

I’ll guarantee it, if you’ve had enough to drink, you won’t make it to the login screen. All that fast scrolling text will have you dizzy and nauseous. With any luck, you’ll perform a power chuck all over the screen, making it impossible to write an email or tweet something terrible.

And come on. Don’t tell me you can just clean up the chuck when you’re that drunk.

3. Follow Security Best Practices

You know those security best practices instructions from the IT department that you ignored? Follow them. Don’t let your machine save passwords. Come up with meticulously crafted passwords with impossible-to-memorize strings of numbers and letters. Then, don’t store your passwords anywhere.

Sure, you won’t remember those excruciatingly long strings even when you’re sober, not without writing them down. But isn’t it all worth it? Now you can’t get yourself fired or destroy your relationship by posting the wrong photo to Facebook.

4. Play Waterfall Tracks

Go to the nearest new age shop and grab a CD of waterfall and wildlife sounds. Rip the CD and put the tracks on loop. You know how waterfall sounds work—every time you go anywhere near the computer, you’ll have to rush to the bathroom. You won’t be able to hang around long enough to stop the track or turn off the speakers—ah, the simple power of beer.

5. Go to the Pub

Seriously, does nobody go out to drink anymore? Also, have you ever noticed that the last item in a list is always the most obvious idea? It’s expensive to drink out, I know, but it certainly doesn’t cost as much as losing your job. The other benefit is that your spouse won’t be on your back all night about picking up the beer caps you keep throwing across the room.

There’s still a danger: the smartphone. The smartphone that allows you to take an embarrassing photo and send it to all your friends by email, or publicly tweet it. Leave the smartphone at home.

Image courtesy of iStockPhoto, iwan_drago
Tags alcohol, drunk, facebook, gmail, Lists, myspace, smartphone, twitter

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Posts by Joel Falconer

CULTURE/SOCIETY and SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION: The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Pirate Fish Saves the Day

Usually I don't reprint too many blog post from The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, cus they can be even too anti-religion for an anti-religion type like me. But this one is pretty cute. - OlderMusicGeek

December 9, 2007 - a cold, wintery night in Cleveland, Ohio. I dropped my keys outside a Panini’s (sports bar franchise) in the Warehouse district. In a strapless dress, heels and no coat I walked all the way back to my car only to realize I had no way in. Frustrated and tired, I spent the night at a friends and waited for my sister to come in the morning with a spare key. As we approached the lot, my car was nowhere to be found. The towing company did not have it. The only other option… STOLEN. My poor Honda Civic was being violated by the hands of a complete stranger.

The cops made a report and then did nothing. The following Friday I received a voicemail from a man named Ray whom I’d never met and said he had information about my car. Apparently it was in the ghetto of Cleveland preferably known as “Crackland.” Evidently a homeless man had found the keys and used the remote to locate it. Very resourceful.

Since the police would not tow it, I called my insurance company. There was a field agent in the area. With a multitude of Civics in the general population hope of finding mine was slim. The only distinguishing marker of my vehicle was an FSM Pirate fish spray painted in white on the back window. If it had not been for my love of FSM and my sheer distaste for organized religion I would still not have my car back. The representative found the fish and my car and everything is back to normal. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kristina K

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CULTURE/SOCIETY: Notes to Weird Short Stories

I don't why. I guess I'm just weird this way. But when I see the line up of bands that are going to play at a bar, they look like the notes to some weird, strange, avant garde short story. So make of these stories what you will. - OlderMusicGeek

Light This City, Monstro, Prevail in the Hail of Gunfire
Thunder in the Valley, Vampire Hands, Wolves in the Attic
Oh My God, Baby Teeth
Helmer, It's Over, An Afternoon Snatching
Dynamite Walls, Silent Anvy, The Critical Hour, Funks G
Common Diseases of Swine, Grinwire, Morbid Harvest, Red Ascention
Shipwreck, The Dig Angees, Nuclear Radio
Blown Soul Engine, Maxx Menagerie, MindAsylum
Separation of Self, World Under, Deified, The Cassandra Disease
Gunship 666, Six Past Hell, Primed Ignition
Dear Future, An Afternoon Snatching, City Hall, Skyrockets and Knives
Oh Possum, Deep Sleep Waltzing, Capgun Coup, Bear Country, Talkin Mountains
Stone Sour, Dirty Little Rabbits, Facecage, On a Pale Horse
Otter, Who's Your Daddy
Reproduction Board, Naked Station
All Capitals, The Doldroms
Red Moon Harvest, MindAsylum, Fatal Fall
The Bleeder Project, Amidst the Shadows
American Catastrophe, Awful Purdies
Motogrind, Grinwire, ...and God Blessed Ignorance, The Blood of Your Loved
Mankind is Obsolete, The God Project
Little Man, The Wild Animals, Ticklish
Caspar and the Cookies, Poison Control Center, Wolves in the Attic, Bradley Unit
Taciturn, Wreckage of the Modern City, Skin of Earth, By the Beard of Zeus
Slaughterhouse 6, Moving to Pluto, An Afternoon Snatching, Hardcore Crayons
The Dharma Burns, 3 Lbs of Love, Tree of a Man
A Dream Too Late, Jet Lag Gemini, 2 Sweet, Goodbye Vienna
Maxx Menagerie, Grinwire, Smoking Blindfolded, Common Disease of Swine
Radio Moscow, Old Panther, Ski Bunny Suicide

HUMOR: A Rough Night after Drinking

This was sent to me by Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

Nick the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Pat."

Pat replies, "OK Nick, I'll be on my way then."

Pat spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"I am so drunk," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

Cursing, he falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jes, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Pat. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Pat says, "I did, Jes. I was so drunk. But how'd you know?"

"Nick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the bar."