MY LIFE - Remembering the 90s! Ugh!

MY LIFE: So true! Even worse when you're 50!

HUMOR: Some Halloween Top 10 Lists

Surfing the net, I found these at possumsal.com. - OlderMusicGeek

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween
10. You get winded from knocking on the door
9. You have to have someone chew the candy for you
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Why Pumpkins are better than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The Top 10 Houses to AVOID while Trick-or Treating
1. Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.
2. Any house made of food.
3. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.
4. Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.
5. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.
6. Any house that growls "get out."
7. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.
8. Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the
ground.
9. Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard
of people in odd "running away" poses.
10. Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago...

I already posted this, but fits in, so I'm posting it again! - OMGeek

ENTERTAINMENT: George Carlin Died

This is from me, NOT some reprinted from somewhere else. - OlderMusicGeek

Some people have said George Carlin has passed on or that we lost him. Well, neither are true. He's dead, maybe even screaming up at us.


I have to admit I haven't listen or watched George Carlin much in the last 20 years.

And that's unfortunate, because from what I have seen and read, he was still putting out some very good and funny material.


I guess in some ways, I had felt I had outgrown George Carlin. George said, "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." And that was great in my teens and 20's.

But as you get older, you find rebelling for it's own sake doesn't seem that fun. I remember an interview with Jon Waters, a director who did many gross films in his youth. The interviewer asked him about how his movies weren't the same now that he is older. I don't remember his exact words, but he said something along the lines of making wild films that are gross in your 20's is fun - doing it in your 40's is pathetic.

That's kind the way I felt about listening to George Carlin. I thought I'm willing to stand up for what I believe in and take the heat, but I'm not interested in just shocking people.

And that's what my friends and I used George for, shocking people. "Hey, listen to this." "Listen to this comedian rattle off these cuss words." George Carlin and Cheech and Chong were our mild, white, midwestern way of rebelling! We loved it because we knew our parents and teachers didn't!

Well, when I didn't need to shock anybody anymore, I thought there was no need for George. Unfortunately, what I didn't realize - was that George wasn't shocking people just for shock's sake either. George was also standing up for what he believed in and taking whatever heat came with it.

So then after a few interviews and a couple of HBO specials, I finally realized that. But I still never watched him much. "Ehh, I catch it later. I don't have the time now." Unfortunately, now that there will be no new material, I might be able to catch up on his stuff.

George Carlin didn't believe in an afterlife. Hopefully, he's wrong, because he deserves a good place in it.

George Carlin’s Secret News from ‘When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops’
Announcer: Good Evening ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the secret news.
Ssshhh.
Here’s the secret news:
All people are afraid.
No one knows what they’re doing.
Everything is getting worse.
Some people deserve to die.
Your money is worthless.
No one is properly dressed.
At least one of your children will disappoint you.
The system is rigged.
Your house will never be completely clean.
All teachers are incompetent.
There are people who really dislike you.
Nothing is as good as it seems.
Things don’t last.
No one is paying attention.
The country is dying.
God doesn’t care.
Ssshhh.

A link to George Carlin's home page
An interview with George Carlin from NPR's Fresh Air

CULTURE/SOCIETY and HUMOR: In Praise of Older Women

The Formerly Wild Now Christian Co-Worker sent me an email praising women over 40. It was rather schmaltzy piece that Andy Rooney had supposably written. Well, I checked at Snopes.com. It turns out Andy Rooney didn't write it. When asked if he agreed with the piece, he said, "Not particularly." Now THAT sounds like Andy Rooney!

Anyway, the piece of work was actually a schmaltzification of a rather humorous and entertaining piece written by a Frank Kaiser. And I have included most of the original web page below. - OlderMusicGeek.

In Praise of
Older Women By Frank Kaiser

One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.

Today, at 71, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

• An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.
  
  
• An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
  
  
• An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!
  
  
• And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

  Her libido's stronger.

  Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

  Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

  And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

  ---

  “If the Lord made anything better than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

---

• An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!
  
  
• Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
  
  
• Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.
  
  
• An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
  
  
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

© Copyright 2000 - 2006—Frank Kaiser

---

EDITOR'S NOTE: ON APRIL 2, 2003, I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM ANDY ROONEY OF "60 MINUTES." HE TOO HAS BEEN BOMBARDED BY E-MAIL CONTAINING THE ABOVE COLUMN SIGNED BY "ANDY ROONEY."
HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NO IDEA HOW THIS STARTED, THAT HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS COLUMN, THAT HE WAS HOPING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

See the Baltimore Sun's Susan Reimer's funny column about this column.

Also see http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp

---

Of course, a celebrated encomium about older women was penned by a famous American statesman over 250 years earlier, when Benjamin Franklin wrote the piece known to us as "Old Mistresses' Apologue": June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
   
   
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
   
   
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
   
   
4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
   
   
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
   
   
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
   
   
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
   
   
8. and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate Friend. B. Franklin

The original piece written by Frank Kaiser

About how the piece got attributed to Andy Rooney on Snopes.com

A Baltimore Sun article on Andy Rooney's take of all of this

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Jokes on Getting Older

Some jokes The Sassy Witch sent me since neither of us are getting any younger. - OLDERmusicGeek.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were laying cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

HUMOR: Married 43 Years

Was clearing out my old emails and came across this email The Sassy Witch sent me. - OlderMusicGeek

Subject: Married 43 years ~

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 43 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 43 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 56 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10-inch black and white TV ....

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Feeling Old?

My girlfriend, The Sassy Witch, sent me the first part. I've read others like it, but I figured with some of the younger people I know, it was worth posting. - OlderMusicGeek

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth.
It's the only planet with chocolate!

I found out about this site from Pack of 2. This is what it had to say about me.

You are 42 years old and about:
46 years 11 months younger than Walter Cronkite, age 89
42 years 3 months younger than Nancy Reagan, age 84
39 years 4 months younger than George Herbert Bush, age 81
32 years 0 months younger than Barbara Walters, age 74
29 years 10 months younger than Larry King, age 72
23 years 8 months younger than Ted Koppel, age 66
20 years 3 months younger than Geraldo Rivera, age 62
17 years 3 months younger than George W. Bush, age 59
12 years 2 months younger than Jesse Ventura, age 54
7 years 11 months younger than Bill Gates, age 50
3 years 1 month younger than Cal Ripken Jr., age 45
2 years 9 months older than Mike Tyson, age 39
6 years 10 months older than Jennifer Lopez, age 35
12 years 3 months older than Tiger Woods, age 30
18 years 9 months older than Prince William, age 23

and that you were:
37 years old at the time of the 9-11 attack on America
36 years old on the first day of Y2K
33 years old when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash
31 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
30 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
29 years old at the time of the 93 bombing of the World Trade Center
27 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
26 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
22 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
20 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
19 years old during Sally Ride's travel in space
17 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr.
16 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began
12 years old on the U.S.'s bicentennial Fourth of July
10 years old when President Nixon left office
8 years old when Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot
5 years old at the time the first man stepped on the moon
4 years old when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated
a 1 year old during the Watts riot
not yet 1 year old at the time President Kennedy was assassinated

This site will also tell you how your age compares to musicians, movie stars and tv stars and how old you were when events in music, movies and tv happened. You can click here to see mine. - OlderMusicGeek

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Signs You're Getting Older

More cleaning out of my emails.

Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
You're the one calling the police because those dang kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your soul.