HUMOR - 50 words for snow!

MY LIFE - Becoming like "A Clockwork Orange"...

ENTERTAINMENT - Why we started swearing

Four-letter words, expletives, obscenities, insults, curses and cusses—there are almost as many euphemisms for offensive language as there are swearwords. But why? How has bad language retained its emotional valence in an increasingly liberal and secular society? Why do people still cringe when someone drops an f-bomb in front of a grandmother, or, worse, a toddler? These questions form the basis for Melissa Mohr’s new book, Holy Shit: A Brief History of Swearing. Mohr traces the history of English swearing back to its Latinate roots, through the Middle Ages, Reformation and Victorian era in order to explain its modern-day instantiations.

http://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/blog/review-holy-shit-history-swearing-melissa-mohr/#.UbPQrpq9Kc3

HUMOR: Hilariously Ironic Newspaper Headlines

http://mommyhasapottymouth.com/hilariously-ironic-newspaper-headlines-6062/

HUMOR: The only b-word you should call a woman...

MY LIFE: Card I sent with my fiancèe's birthday flowers!

POLITICS: Pictures from the Vagina Monologues at the Capitol in Lansing, Michigan

http://dayleish.tumblr.com/post/25414059679

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Question From FormSpring.Me - If you could instantly become fluent in another language, which language would you pick?

If you could instantly become fluent in another language, which language would you pick?

Sesotho - a language spoken in Lesotho and central South Africa, because my daughter is half-Mosotho and I would like to help her know her heritage better!

Ask me anything

ON OLDERMUSICGEEK'S STUPID TESTS AND QUIZZES: "PERSONALITY: The "Let's Dream" Questionnaire" (just click here)

ON ANOTHER BLOG: "PERSONALITY TYPE: The Swear Word Usage Test" on OlderMusicGeek's Stupid Tests And Quizzes (just click here)

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

I found this from Humor Matters while surfing the net. - OlderMusicGeek

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional coconspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that effect.

A link to all my Christmas posts

Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you're celebrating!
MY CHRISTMAS INTERNET RADIO STATIONS
OlderMusicGeek Radio - Christmas Edition
OlderMusicGeek Radio - Christmas Rock and Punk Edition
OlderMusicGeek's Christmas QuickMix
powered by PANDORA
But if you don't have Pandora, you can hear some of songs at http://www.playlist.com/oldermusicgeek

HUMOR: Now You Can Be Groovy Too

I'm hip! Like, check this out, man! You dig? - OlderMusicGeek

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Skeletons In The Closet

I don't know how true this is, but I found it interesting. It's from my work's newsletter. - OlderMusicGeek

Explaining the ‘skeleton in the closet’

Hundreds of years ago when English physicians wanted to learn about the human body, it was difficult because there were numerous regulations to follow.

Doctors were typically allowed to dissect only one body over the course of their education, and once the dissection had been accomplished, the physicians were reluctant to give up their prized possessions.

But it wasn’t socially acceptable to keep the skeletons, according to Webb Garrison in his book Why You Say It. Consequently, doctors often hid them in a dark corner or closet where they wouldn’t be discovered easily. Eventually the phrase “skeleton in the closet” came to mean hidden evidence of any kind.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: A Pirate Translation

This har post be by me, not som' reprinted piece. - Dirty Sam Read aka Mad Tom Storm aka OlderMusicGeek.

If ye be readin' my blog afore, ye be knowin' me interest in the language of pirates! I be supplyin' a numb'r of translations afore, so I be givin' ya all anot'er. This har is Hamlet's siloquy translated to Pirate speak. I be havin' halp from this har translator - Talk Like A Pirate Day translator.

A sea dog says 't this way:
Ta be, or nay t' be--that be th' question:
Whether `tis nobler in th' head t' suffer
Th' slings an' arrows o' outrageous fortune
Or t' take arms against a sea o' troubles
An' by opposin' end them. T' sink t'Davy Jones' locker, t' sleep--
Nay more--an' by a sleep t' say we end
Th' heartache, an' th' chestfull o' natural shocks
That flesh be heir t'. `Tis a consummation
Devoutly t' be wished. T' sink t'Davy Jones' locker, t' sleep--
T' sleep--perchance t' dream: ay, thar`s th' rub,
Fer in that sleep o' Davy Jones' locker what dreams may come
When we be havin' shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. Thar`s th' respect
That makes calamity o' so long life.
Fer who would bear th' whips an' scorns o' time,
Th` oppressor`s wrong, th' proud man`s contumely
Th' pangs o' despised love, th' law`s delay,
Th' insolence o' office, an' th' spurns
That patient merit o' th` unworthy takes,
When he hisself might his quietus make
Wi' a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
T' grunt an' sweat under a weary life,
But that th' dread o' somethin' after Davy Jones' locker,
Th' undiscovered country, from whose bourn
Nay traveller returns, puzzles th' will,
An' makes us rather bear them ills we be havin'
Than fly t' others that we know nay o'?
Thus conscience does make yeller bellies o' us all,
An' thus th' native hue o' resolution
Be sicklied o`er wi' th' pale cast o' thought,
An' enterprise o' great pitch an' moment
Wi' this regard the'r currents turn awry
An' lose th' name o' action. -- Soft ye now,
Th' fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all me sins remembered.
Ya landlubber!

HUMOR: New Words

Well, this is an email that I got from Ernest T Spoon. I was able to verify that The Washington Post does indeed have neologism contests, which are sponsored by their columnist Bob Levey - but they are monthly, not yearly. But I wasn't able to verify if these are from that contest.

But I don't care. They're funny. So I'm printing them. Besides - having an English degree, how could I not appreciate them and reprint them? :) - OlderMusicGeek

WARNING: There's a mild swear word at the end - for those of you who don't appreciate that.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

These are words from the dictionary altered it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (I've been on both sides of this :) - OMG)
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. (This one is my favorite :) - OMG)
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Yule School to Teach Santa's Elves

Some may complain that this is too late, but I say it's still the holiday season until Jan 1. So here's an article I noticed on Yahoo. It's from Reuters. I shortened the article, but here's a link to the complete article. - OlderMusicGeek

Yule school to teach Santa's elves
By Agnieszka Flak Wed Dec 19, 8:50 AM ET

ROVANIEMI, Finland (Reuters) - Customer service, story-telling, nature studies and wilderness survival are essential skills for any elf worthy of the name.

Anyone who aspires to a job as a Santa's helper can acquire them at a new Elf Academy in Rovaniemi, 2,600 km (1,600 miles) from the North Pole, which Finland claims as home to the "real" Santa Claus.

The competencies an elf needs are vast, says Esa Sakkinen, project coordinator and teacher at the Lapland Vocational College which will be running the academy.

They do more than pack the gifts that families pick up at the Christmas market outside "Santa's house" or help answer the 750,000 letters that arrive at his local post office each year.

"An elf needs to know how to make a fire in the snow ... also the local nature and animals, because you never know what the clients or kids are going to ask," he said.

The Santa business is vital to the region where unemployment is nearly double the Finnish average, winter temperatures average minus 15 to minus 10 degrees Celsius (5-14 Fahrenheit), and the snow can be more than a meter deep.

The first planeload of tourists visiting Santa landed in Lapland about 20 years ago and today about 500,000 tourists -- mainly from France, Britain and Russia -- visit Rovaniemi and Santa's nearby village each year.

The Christmas season contributed about one-third of the region's 2006 tourist income of 540 million euros ($774.1 million). Many people arrive on a day-trip to visit Santa, learn to drive huskies, taste local delicacies and -- with luck -- glimpse the Northern Lights above pine trees fat with snow.

Despite rival Santa Claus theme parks and Christmas markets in the United States, Canada, Japan, Iceland, Norway, Sweden and Germany, the region says visitors to Finnish Lapland are increasing year by year.

PROFESSION: ELF
The new academy is the answer to a business need and an attempt to provide skills to help the long-term unemployed find out-of-season work. About 500 elves work in Rovaniemi, a town of 60,000 where in 2006 the unemployment rate was 14 percent, compared with a national average of 7.7 percent.

"The companies working in the business asked us whether we could develop the profession of elves and we said 'why not?"' said Sakkinen.

With about 1,000 young people leaving school or university each year and local jobs scarce, the competition to be a part of the Christmas magic is fierce. Hundreds vie for the often seasonal jobs with the region's 10 main safari companies.

Given the hostile climate, the region's tourist attractions focus on activities: cruises on an icebreaker, reindeer safaris, or simply hunting and canoeing. Each needs an elf or guide.

Elina Hakala, an elf in her mid-20s whose working name is Fir Cone, has been with Arctic Safaris full-time for three years, and said it can be a challenge to maintain children's enthusiasm throughout an action-packed day at sub-zero temperatures.

Language skills are essential: last year, visitors came from 48 countries, according to Sakkinen. Most speak English, but numbers are growing from countries farther afield, such as Japan.
(Editing by Sara Ledwith and Andrew Dobbie)

A link to the complete article at Reuters

A link to all my Christmas and holiday posts

Happy Christmas and/or Boxing Day and/or Kwanzaa and/or Hannakah and/or Bodhi Day and/or Sanghamitta Day and/or Shabe Cheleh and/or Makara Sankranti and/or Junkanoo and/or Dong Zhi and/or Toji and/or Soyal and/or Yule and/or Seva Zistane and/or Alban Arthan and/or Long Night and/or Mean Geimrech and/or Brumalia and/or Dies Natalis Solis Invicti and/or Saturnalia and/or Lenaea and/or Wren Day and/or Tekufah Tevet and/or Winter Solstice and/or ChriFSMas and/or any other December or winter solstice holidays i missed!

Oh, and Bah Humbug to those who don't celebrate the holidays! :)

HUMOR: Humor for Lexophiles

I'm sucker for a good pun - or even bad ones! So I pass these along that Ernest T Spoon sent me. :) - OlderMusicGeek

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

HUMOR: For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.