ENTERTAINMENT: Want To Smell Like Kirk?

Meant to do this for Valentine's Day - you know, cus Valentine's Day and Star Trek just go together! - OlderMusicGeek

All big movies - and some smaller ones - have a lot of promotional merchandise, but this is one of the more strange ones: they're coming out with a Star Trek cologne.

So...many...jokes.

The real Trekkie man will be wearing either Tiberius (that's Kirk's middle name), Pon Farr (Vulcan horniness), or Red Shirt (they're the guys that always, um, die when they beam down to another planet).

Why would Star Trek fans need a cologne? They don't go on dates! (Just kidding.)
TV Squad: Hey Kirk, What's That Smell

How would you like to smell like a bad ass Starfleet Captain? Or give off that musky Vulcan mating smell? Well now you can! A tie in with the new Star Trek movie coming out this May will include Star Trek themed colognes. Genki Wear is producing the scents Tiberius, Pon Farr, and Red Shirt. So if you’re looking to woo that special geeky girl you’ve been looking to, ahem, stun with your phaser, this may do the trick. There’s no guarantee that the Tiberius cologne will attract green-skinned alien women, though. And let’s certainly hope that wearing Red Shirt doesn’t mean you’ll get killed off before the end of the date.
Geek Six: Smell, The Final Frontier

Apparently, the "Tiberius," "Pon Farr" and "Red Shirt" fragrances will be available in finer stores starting the spring for an undisclosed price. Start saving guys. After all, who could resist the the enchanting musk of James Tiberius Kirk, the raging hormones of Vulcan pon far or the live-fast, die young personality of a red shirt stock character?

comments...
Dirkfart Faeclefunk: Was this tested on Klingons? "They're animals!"
Jrsy Devil's Food Cake®:Red Shirt... It's the last cologne you'll ever wear...
Gizmodo: Love, Jealousy, Passion...Star Trek Cologne For Men

Star Trek Uno, anyone? Perhaps you’d prefer a Vulcan cookie jar. Or maybe you’d like to buy your man some ... Star Trek cologne? Genki Wear is producing a trio of Star Trek inspired scents: Tiberius, Pon Farr, and Red Shirt. So, if you want your man to smell like Captain Kirk, go into a Vulcan heat, or get down like a red shirt, Star Trek cologne can make it happen. That is, if you’d date a guy who’d wear it.

comments...
Simcha: Bring on the dudes who smell like Kirk!
Chelle: WTF? They make one called “Red Shirt”? What does it smell like, death?
The Frisky: Would You Date A Guy Who … Wears Star Trek Cologne?

Have you ever wanted to smell like a sweaty James Doohan? Well, then, good news! CBS is licensing three Star Trek-themed body fragrances in order to market the new movie in the series.

comment...
Gauldar said: Put a pinch of it on your Vulcan neck.
Neatorama:Star Trek-Themed Cologne Coming Out Soon

Oh yes. GenkiWear is apparently developing three Star Trek-themed fragrances to be released in the spring. For those looking to engage another carbon-based lifeform and boldly go where -- nah, forget it, I'm not going to sit here and use lame Star Trek lines as tired sexual euphemisms. I'm above that. So I'll just say that true nerds can rejoice in their complete devotion to one of the world's nerdiest creations as they spray some "Tiberius" on their wrists. I just hope nobody seriously thinks a scent called "Pon Farr" or "Red Shirt" will help them beam a chick off the bridge and into their bed (it was just too easy!).

comment...
Skyhawk: Yeah baby. What woman can't resist Klingon musk? Oh wait that's actually fanboy B.O. Nevermind.
The Huffington Post: Star Trek Cologne:The Next Generation of Nerdom

Usually I’m confused and upset by rampant movie merchandising. I don’t really need Wall-E themed kleenex, or a James Bond Omega watch. OK, scratch that. I’d like an Omega James Bond watch, but there’s no way I could afford it.

Anyways.

Despite my antipathy towards this kind of branding exercise, I find myself oddly excited over the news that the a new line of men’s cologne will be accompanying the new Star Trek film, due out in May. The three scents - “Red Shirt”, “Pon Farr” and “Tiberius” - conjure the muskiness of command, Vulcan mating rituals, and Captain Kirk respectively.

Now, you might be asking yourself “which Star Trek scent is right for me?” Well, this is a deeply personal decision, one you must come to after hours of painful introspection. For me, the choice is clear. If I wear “Red Shirt”, my odds of dying on an away mission increase exponentially. And as I understand it, “Pon Farr” can only be worn once every seven years, and will necessitate some sort of grim battle to the death.

No, “Tiberius” is the Trek cologne for Graeme. Because really, who doesn’t want to smell like Captain James T(iberius). Kirk? A galaxy full of sexy and occassionally green space-babes can’t be wrong!

Nunc Scio: WANT: Star Trek Cologne

I am not prepared to live in a world wear there is Star Trek-themed perfume, okay? Forget the "Red Shirt" one, because it assumably will smell like sweat and fear and having just pissed yourself in fear, but "Pon Farr"? The Vulcan mating time, when they basically hump anything that moves? How was this not recognized as the worst idea in the entire world immediately? Also, how can you wear a scent based on James T. Kirk, the galaxy's greatest poonhound, and not get fucked to death by hot green-skinned alien women?

Okay, "Tiberius" might be okay. But I highly disapprove of the others.

comments:
Scott said: Does Pon Farr burn you when you put it on, causing you unbearable pain until you get some tail?
Zach Oat said: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the C.K.One."
ZeroCorpse said: Other Trek scents I'm looking forward to: Tribble, Mudd, Horta, KHAAAAAAAAAN!
telezombie said: Dude....if they made Khan I would so buy that by the gallon and bathe in it daily.
Topless Robot: Who Wants to Smell Like a Rutting Vulcan?

CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Scent Of Seduction With A Hint Of Flame-Broiled Meat

Well, with Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I present this in case you missed it last Christmas. - OlderMusicGeek

Have you always wanted to smell like a hot juicy burger from Burger King? Burger King is making that dream come true without you have to rub those burgers on yourself. - The Post Chronicle: Burger King Fragrance: Cologne Smells Like A Juicy Burger

If men cannot get enough of Burger King’s grilled meat burgers and Whoppers, they can now use Burger King’s new body spray called Flame to smell like its burgers. - Trendite: Burger King Launches BK Flame Body Spray For Men (www.FireMeetsDesire.com)

The novel idea by burger king has come up to welcome Christmas and new year holiday season where Flame could be great gifts for those meat-loving men as it is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat“. - Thandian News: Burger King launches ‘Flame’ men Cologne, available at firemeetsdesire.com

After learning about Burger King®’s recent launch of FLAME™, a body spray that purportedly carries the scent of BK’s own flame-broiled hamburger’s, I began to wonder whether or not the fast-food giant’s legal team had considered fully the liability issues that might accompany the use of this product by BK loyalists...

My concern, however, lies in the possibly-unintended result of a customer’s using this product — let’s call it the “FLAME™ Effect.” Instead of attracting women a la the “AXE Effect,” a person’s use of FLAME™ is likely to attract the unwanted attention of carnivorous animals — domesticated and non-domesticated alike — who happen to be downwind from the person wearing the body spray. That “attraction,” in turn, might result in bodily harm to the wearer who will be advised by out-of-work trial lawyers like John Edwards to sue. - Bob McCarty Writes: Burger King Warned About Body Spray Lawsuits

Burger King is now selling this limited edition men’s body spray online and at select Ricky’s stores, because, uh, there is nothing more sensual than smelling like a pimply teen who works for minimum wage over the burger grill? Stay in your lane, Burger King! I don’t go to Sephora for a milkshake and basket of fries...

Obviously we had to run out and buy some so that Flavorpill staffers could test it immediately. Their horrified reactions — which were well worth the $4 Rickys is charging — below. Note that none of them mention the word “meat”.

1. “Liquid plastic cut with antibacterial hand soap.”
2. “Just like fresh acetone.”
3. “Smells like 7th grade. Or what I imagine the 7th grade boys locker room to
smell like.”
4. “It smells like bellybutton lint.”
5. “This is for a dude? I once dated a girl who smelled just like this.”
6. “Headgear.”
- FlavorWire: Flame-Broiled Meat, the New Man Musk? [Test Drive]

I love meat. I'm an unrepentant carnivore. I've extolled the virtues of pork time and again, but what I really want to eat every single day is a bloody steak. And often I do. Which means I'll probably die one day in the not so distant future of a heart attack. But I'll die happy, sated, and oblivious to any notion of deprivation, so (bleep) if I care, unless the vodka martini I've ordered with that death steak is only half-consumed by the time I keel over.

Burger King, I kid you not, has come out with a cologne. I know I should like this, I really should. But the thing is, I don't like it when people smell like meat (a little salty meat-sweat, like the way you smell after you've been stuffing your face at the ballpark, is okay). It reminds me of our own fleshy-ness, and my mind drifts to cannibalism and mortality, two unappetizing thoughts. Just last night, Diana and I were trying to figure out where we were going to have Korean BBQ, and it was a toss-up between two of our favorite haunts. Ultimately, we picked the place where we wouldn't emerge smelling like charred human meat.

Furthermore, cologne is designed, apart from its purpose to mask B.O., to get people to (bleep) you. But I don't want to literally (bleep) a piece of meat, although I won't judge you if you do (okay, I will a little). I want that kind of meat to smell like cheap soap and laundry detergent, in that order, and then have my bloody steak after, when I'm done with it. - Disgrasian: My Beef with Burger King's "Flame" Cologne

My friends, no one needs cologne that smells like beef. But I have a lot of things I don’t need, such as a giant marble lion toothbrush holder, many dozen classic Transformers toys, and a latex sauce pan cover shaped like a pig’s face. So enter Burger King to fill my non-need for a flame-brioled-burger-scented cologne with their new offering, Flame (note the awesome url: firemeetsdesire.com). Yes, thanks to the ever-frighetning King, you can now smell like a Whopper at your holiday party.

Fortunately, it’s available at Ricky’s NYC… so I had to go out and buy some. The bored clerks in the store were more than happy to point me to it. The lady at the register thought it was gross, then admitted that she wouldn’t mind smelling like “chicken nuggets.” I found myself agreeing with her, much to my own surprise and chagrin. Her colleague called us gross, adding that she wouldn’t object to a perfume that had the essence of soul food, including fried chicken, macaroni & cheese and greens. I paid my $3.99 and quickly stuffed the package - which looked like a shiny black condom wrapper with a burger king logo - into my bag.

After resisting the urge to spray the office vegetarians with the small bottle of Flame, I boldly applied some to my own wrists. And sprayed some in the air. The result: universal disgust. Everyone gathered around began coughing. And therein lies the horrible secret of Flame: it’s not burger-scented. It’s “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat,” which I think means it’s crappy cologne with a bit of salt rubbed into it. Try as I might, I could not smell anything related to meat. If you want to know what a Burger King smells like when it’s burning down in a horrible grease fire, though, this is probably as close as you get to the real thing. The acrid, eye-watering scent will not attract anything to you. Even my dog would start choking if it licked this off my wrist.

I’m glad I tried it, so you don’t have to. If this is what The King smells like then I don’t want him anywhere near me. - Chomposaurus: Burger King Flame: Ladies Luv It When You Smell Like Beef



Once again, America’s junk food vendors have produced something truly sub-par and repulsive. - scrapir to scrapir on Reddit firemeetsdesire.com

We smelled it too and now our whole office smells like adolescent b.o. - submitted by
rawksavvy at 5:33PM on 12/17/08 on A Hamburger Today: We Smell Burger King Flame

Michele: "It smells like a hetero man trying to be even more hetero." - A Hamburger Today: We Smell Burger King Flame

My girlfriend: "Like a truckstop bathroom air freshener." - A Hamburger Today: We Smell Burger King Flame

Raphael: "It smells like this G.I. Joe action figure I had that would spit out a liquid you filled it with. Or like this girl I dated in junior high who had a leather jacket that smelled just like that." - A Hamburger Today: We Smell Burger King Flame

A local radio personality decided to try out FLAME, and his female cohort ordered it for him, and sprayed him during the show.
Nothing.
Until he left the studio.
Outside, he was set upon by flocks of crows and magpies, and pursued by a yipping pack of coyotes. When he got home, his pot-smoking son — having a mosh pit party in the basement — mistook the odor wafting through the front door, and yelled “FOOD’S HERE!”, whereupon he was set upon by a dozen bong-hungered teens. - submitted by Skunkfeathers on Bob McCarty Writes: Burger King Warned About Body Spray Lawsuits

Burger King makes a meat-scented cologne. Keep clicking the spray to change the background imag- OH MY GOD MY EYES! (firemeetsdesire.com) - submitted 1 month ago by JBaker68 on Reddit firemeetsdesire.com

For the record, I think the Whopper smells like really intense BO and can’t imagine wanting to smell like one. Am I alone on this? - Bitten And Bound: Burger King Cologne “Flame”

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? - submitted by billin [-] on Reddit firemeetsdesire.com
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Beefy! January 9, 2009
Reviewer: Kizzy Komet from st petersburg, FL United States
I bet if you apply for a job at your local BK and work a nice long 12 hour day you would not even need to purchase this wonderful spray. You would smell like it naturally. How great would that be...no need to shower after work.
Was this review helpful to you? - Ricky's Halloween: FLAME™ Body Spray

Sweet Jesus That's Nasty!!! December 29, 2008
Reviewer: Fat Freddy Marsh from Houston, TX United States
This stuff smells like a wicked lactose intolerant fart. I mean, it's truly nauseating. I sprayed a little bit on my hand and I've nearly thrown up 7 times already. It smells like a combination of Spencer's Gifts, Hott Topix, and adolescent fear wrapped in a skunk's colon.
Washing does no good. I've tried everything. I've contemplated cutting my hands off, it's that bad. Please, someone tell me where the antidote is!
Was this review helpful to you? - Ricky's Halloween: FLAME™ Body Spray

Too fat. - submitted by razzbar [-] on Reddit firemeetsdesire.com
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CULTURE/SOCIETY: Hmmmm, Beer Mixed with Clam Juice and Tomato Juice

Electonica artist Moby did this rather humorous take on a new drink on his blog. While looking for a photo to put in this post, I found someone's rather humorous description of drinking the stuff! - OlderMusicGeek

you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
January 18, 2008

you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
('nuts and gum-together at last' as featured on the simpsons, for example).
years ago i found a flavored bottled water for pets. oh, that was a good one.
they had 'crispy beef flavored water' for dogs.
and 'tangy fish flavored water' for cats.
i'm not making this up. really. i even bought some just so people would believe me that such things existed.
well, today someone sent me a link to 'chelada'.

http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/37389

'what is chelada?' i hear you asking?
and 'is it disgusting?' i hear as your potential follow-up question.
well, here are the answers:

a-chelada is a new product from the anheuser-busch corporation. it combines budweiser beer with clam juice and tomato juice. in a can. for convenience and portability.

b-is it disgusting? well, i haven't tried it, but really, how could beer and clam juice and tomato juice in a can not be disgusting? i mean, how could it not be ipecac-like in it's ability to immediately cause the consumer to start vomiting uncontrollably?

maybe i'm mistaken. maybe people love it and swear by it and find it to be refreshing and tasty.
here's the scene: it's august 10th and it's very hot outside. you've just come back from a long and healthy bike ride and you're hot and sweaty and boy do you want something refreshing to slake your thirst.
'honey! i'm back from my bike ride and boy am i thirsty!'
'welcome back honey, would you like a room temperature can of beer mixed with clam juice?'
'boy would i!!'

i personally see the target market for chelada(clam flavored tomato beer)as being senior citizens who smoke those dark brown 'more' cigarettes and are on their 3rd bypass operation and need oxygen tanks to walk to their car and who've given up and life and want to ingest things that will fill them with a feeling of self-loathing and despair. but i could be wrong.
maybe the clam flavored tomato beer market is younger and more vibrant, sort of like the people who watch the bam margera show and drink mountain dew and listen to rape rock and punch waiters?
here's the ad campaign:

4 guys in a contemporary suv, nu-metal music playing. the 4 guys are drinking chelada clam flavored tomato beer and high-fiving while throwing their empty cans at homeless people and baby deer and bunnies.
voice over: 'extreme! when all you wanna do is party, go with chelada!'
commercial ends as the 4 chelada drinking guys chase a nun down a dark alley, high-fiving all the way.

maybe they're going for the youth market? a jaded youth market, tired of being catered to in unimaginably varied ways, hungry for something new. and what's newer than clam flavored tomato beer(in a 'lite' version for our fitness conscious consumers)?

it makes me wonder what's up next in the anheuser-busch new-product pipeline.

how about:

'partita': mexican rose wine in a can, flavored with real 'south of the border' lizard blood.

'G-filte': sweet passover wine, flavored with whitefish and guarana, for a 100% kosher-kick.

'coro': deep fried beer, filtered through grade-b beef, with 2 tablespoons of lard in every can.

it's a fantastic time to be alive.

-moby


...what the hell? I love you and the flavor combination does sound intriguing enough that you might try it. So, I crack the can and sniff (because that is a trait common amongst males in my family), in order to determine whether the substance has gone bad. Despite the "Born On" date, I still don't trust it. So, I take a whiff and am greeted with a sort of odd combination of water, beer sweat squeezed from a bartop cocktail napkin, and loneliness. Yup! That's Budweiser.

But, I'm not drinking this crap without first seeing it. I bust out one of the pint glasses I stole and fill it. Words cannot describe the horror .

Things that are wrong with this picture:

1. I am holding the glass up to the light, but you cannot see through it.

2. The fluid holds little resemblance to either of the base fluids it is made of.

Oh my Christ, what have I gotten myself into? I mean, I love you. I really do. But this seems a bit far. Like Santa leaving coal in your stocking only to beat you senseless with it.

Wary of my prey, I engaged it in a stare-down. It must know I am stronger and, thus, the victor in this battle:

Due almost entirely to my incredible sideburns, the Chelada backed down and I raised the glass, firing off a short prayer to my colon hoping my sudden faith would halt it evulsing my entire GI tract. Bottoms up? And...

Seconds pass in an eternity of silence...

Nothing. It just tastes like Budweiser, which is kind of a let down. I smell the drink again, wait, then take another sip assuming some critical mass need accumulate before catalyzing a chain reaction of "flavor bursts." Sadly, nothing it me. I put the pint down on the counter, dejected, and pick up the can to see if I needed to shake it or add my own clams or something.

And then it hits me.

Loved one, the evil of the Chelada is perhaps the most evil kind of evil. It is subtle. It sneaks up on you. You sip it and encounter almost nothing yet as I sit here writing, I can still taste the horrid combination of tomatoes, clams, and hops. The aftertaste of this vile substance is probably one of the most veiled evil things I have known and I can't get it to go away. I've brushed my teeth twice already and every time I burp (which has been several times) it comes right back.

So, please, don't imbibe this foul drink. I did it because I loved you enough to find out. To find out if this was the attack on humanity I suspected. It is. It is that and so much more.

The original site of Moby's piece
A link to Moby's blog
A link to Moby's website

The complete piece on Matt, the AntiGenius trying chelada
A link to antigenius.net/blog