MY LIFE - Thanksgiving 3 years ago

MY LIFE: my mom and knives in her home

Girlfriend while we're visiting my mom: "Does your mother have knives?"

My sister: "No, my mom has no knives in her house!"

Me: "There was a big fight, and they're not allowed knives in the home anymore!"

Yes, we are a family of smartasses!

MY LIFE: How a crabby boy found his happy place!

Text from my girlfriend: 'I sarcastically told a very crabby son on the way to camp he needed to have a good attitude and find his happy place... After our water games turned into water wars and he was soaked head to toe, he comes running over to me and yells "I found my happy place!" '

MY LIFE: Mindreading with my girlfriend

Girlfriend: "You can't just understand what I mean? You can't read my mind?"

Me: "Uh, no... And if you're expecting that in the future, you're going to be gravely disappointed."

Daughter: "Yeah! Gravely!"

MY LIFE: My daughter knows what I like!

Daughter from downstairs: "Guess who is a judge on 'So You Think You Can Dance'?"

Me: "Who?"

Daughter: "Zooey Deschanel!"

Me: "Oh cool!"

After a moment...

Daughter to my girlfriend who also downstairs: "If it was Sigourney Weaver, he'd already be down here!"

MY LIFE: How we play games!

This is just as true for me now as growing up! Wouldn't have it any other way!

MY LIFE: Mohawk singer using a 1940s mic drawn by my girlfriend's son.

MY LIFE: Guess my girlfriend got lucky with me then!

Guess who does the laundry!

MY LIFE: Having A "Hood" Day

Girlfriend's text: "Hope you had a hood day today."
Girlfriend's next text: "Good day. Not hood day. Ugh."
My text: "Yo yo yo. I did have a hood day. Cus I be down like that. Word!"
Girlfriend's text: "YOU ARE NOT BLACK! And per your daughter, you are not black, you are not Eminem! And not allowed to say that!"

ENTERTAINMENT: Great Pumpkin Carvings

These are some pics forwarded to me by my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

HUMOR: The Donkey and the Raffle

Another email from my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

The Donkey and The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...

ENTERTAINMENT: Halloween Comic

Here's a comic my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch, sent me. Happy Halloween!

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Like His Momma Used to Do

Another email from my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. Once again, I hope it's not a warning! - OlderMusicGeek.

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him ...
Like his MOMMA used to do.

HUMOR: Married 43 Years

Was clearing out my old emails and came across this email The Sassy Witch sent me. - OlderMusicGeek

Subject: Married 43 years ~

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 43 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 43 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 56 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10-inch black and white TV ....

ENTERTAINMENT: Which Horror Killer Are You?

Seeing as it's Halloween time, I thought I'd give the results of this test Sassy Witch's daughter sent me.
Which Horror Killer are You?

You scored as Hannibal Lecter. You are Hannibal Lecter. You dont need to eat human flesh to live, but do so because it just taste good. You are very intelligent, and enjoy using it to your advantage to keep people guessing. You arent a killing machine, but when you do decide to let loose, watch out! Dinner is served, with some fava beans, and a nice chianti! Hannibal Lecter 45% Michael Myers 40% Captain Spaulding 40% Freddy Krueger 30% Jigsaw 30% Buffalo Bill 30% Jason Voorhees 10% Pinhead 10% Leatherface 5% Candyman 0% created with QuizFarm.com

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Never on a Hallmark Card

Another email from The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Dear Kotex

A hilarious email forwarded to me by my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Dear Kotex:

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.

Annoying advice such as:

Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interests me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crud advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your butt.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Thrace Survey

My much younger brother, Harmonica23 sent me this. Fill out your version if you want. Don't bother reading it if you don't want to. Just sending in case people are curious. Plus, I'm trying to clear out my emails! - OlderMusicGeek

THREE SURVEY:

Three Names You Go By:
1. Dan
2. OlderMusicGeek
3. Nicholas Y Carlson - for internet sites, so they can't steal my identity - I also put my birthday as July 4!

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. glasses
2. t-shirt
3. underwear

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. humor
2. respect
3. rarrr!

Three things you want really badly: (right now)
1. My sickness that only makes tired - with no other symptoms - to go away
2. a maid or wife - willing to share either
3. more money - but will settle for an ipod

Three pets you had/have:
1. Darkside - one of the most playful cats ever
2. Dobie - so-named because it was grey and Radio Lesotho kept playing Dobie Gray's "Drift Away"
3. Mollo - another cat whose name is Sesotho for fire, because it was yellow and feisty

Three favorite sports:
1. hiking
2. yeah, a nerd like me is into sports
3. any sport someone I know is playing

Three people who will fill this out:
1. don't know
2. don't care
3. maybe my girlfriend

Three things you did last night:
1. instant message
2. sleep
3. email

Three Favorite Places to eat:
1. El Rodeo
2. Olive Garden
3. anywhere dirt cheap

Three People that live in your place:
1. me
2. my daughter
3. the farting ghost - Well, someone has to be doing it when my daughter and I both say we didn't do it!

Three things you like about yourself:
1. fairly intelligent
2. witty - though some say obnoxious - the jealous ones of course!
3. I think I'm a pretty good dad

Three things you ate today:
1. toast
2. peanut butter
3. might have swallow a little toothpaste

Three people you last talked To:
1. my girlfriend
2. my daughter
3. a crazy smart-aleck co-worker

Three things you're doing tomorrow:
1. resting
2. maybe a little shopping
3. sleeping

Three things that make you laugh:
1. my daughter
2. my girlfriend
3. maybe that crazy smart-aleck co-worker, not wait, myself - yes, I admit it!

Three things that you want to do this year:
1. be healthy!
2. don't have many goals this year - last year was hard enough!
3. spend more time with my daughter

HUMOR: Consolidations in the Business World

I'm doing some clearing out of my emails. Here's another from The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

HUMOR: For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.