HUMOR - Perks of an English major!

HUMOR and POLITICS: Top 10 Perks Of The Obama Presidency…

This is from the Do Something Wonderful! blog. - OlderMusicGeek

1. Canadians no longer minding being called Americans when traveling abroad…and no longer necessary to pretend you're Canadian while traveling abroad.
2. Smartest guy in room now IS the President.
3. Drug companies begin search for compound to relieve new health problem: people suffering from repeated, uncontrollable sighs of relief.
4. Citizens find days passing by quickly in a giddy lightheaded state (“Obamaraderie”).
   
5. Reporter-safe puppy. (Or, Barney's bites no longer make the news.)
6. White House now Cheney-Free zone…except for his eighth cousin, Barack Obama.
7. Having a president whose first language is English and has made a campaign promise to pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.
8. Color blind citizens not annoyed by claim “We're all color-blind now.”
9. Warring African nations declare a "ceasefire minute" to celebrate.
   
10. Excuse that lipstick on collar is from “Some teary-eyed Obama supporter in line at Grocery store” accepted at face value by spouse.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Skeletons In The Closet

I don't know how true this is, but I found it interesting. It's from my work's newsletter. - OlderMusicGeek

Explaining the ‘skeleton in the closet’

Hundreds of years ago when English physicians wanted to learn about the human body, it was difficult because there were numerous regulations to follow.

Doctors were typically allowed to dissect only one body over the course of their education, and once the dissection had been accomplished, the physicians were reluctant to give up their prized possessions.

But it wasn’t socially acceptable to keep the skeletons, according to Webb Garrison in his book Why You Say It. Consequently, doctors often hid them in a dark corner or closet where they wouldn’t be discovered easily. Eventually the phrase “skeleton in the closet” came to mean hidden evidence of any kind.

HUMOR: New Words

Well, this is an email that I got from Ernest T Spoon. I was able to verify that The Washington Post does indeed have neologism contests, which are sponsored by their columnist Bob Levey - but they are monthly, not yearly. But I wasn't able to verify if these are from that contest.

But I don't care. They're funny. So I'm printing them. Besides - having an English degree, how could I not appreciate them and reprint them? :) - OlderMusicGeek

WARNING: There's a mild swear word at the end - for those of you who don't appreciate that.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

These are words from the dictionary altered it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (I've been on both sides of this :) - OMG)
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. (This one is my favorite :) - OMG)
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: 1967 Vs 2007

I have received this piece of crap in the mail at least 3 times now, if not 4. So the next person who sends it to me is getting this as their response. My responses are in italics. - OlderMusicGeek

1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his own car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock-down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

This is, of course, so silly. What kind of idiot thinks a kid would use a gun on other kids in school. Everybody knows that could never really happen.

And even if it did, nobody would blame the principal for letting a kid have a gun at the school!

And people are traumatized, who cares. Let them fail classes or be too frazzled to teach properly!

These are the same kind of idiots who want us to spend money reinforcing buildings because they actually think someone would fly an airplane into them!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Yeah, let kids fight. We know that's the best way to solve our problems. Especially since kids carry knives and guns now.

And Mark was probably perfectly innocent anyway. Like when kids fight in a family. We know ONLY ONE is COMPLETELY at fault!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with A.D.D. and given huge doses of Ritalin. Be comes a zombie. School gets extra money from State because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Once again, we all know violence is the only way to solve a problem!

And we know all kids on Ritalin are zombies and never do better in class.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Like I said, violence is of course the answer. It's better for a kid to grow up with a parent who beats the crap out of him than with foster parents. Everybody knows that!

And all that abuse is just made up anyway! It never really happens. And when one kids, we know that the others are almost never abused. The abuser just concentrates on one.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Mark has a headache and brings some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark takes aspirin in lunchroom and headache goes away.

2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

These idiots who thinks kids would use a gun on other students also think that kids would bring drugs in aspirin bottles and share them with other kids. Where do they get this crazy stuff?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Pedro fails English in high school.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Well, of course, all the foreigners who have come American never learned English here. That's why we all speak Lakota and Apache and Hopi.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a fire ant hill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on Terror Watch List and is never allowed to fly again.

I love having kids blow things up. Nothing like losing a few fingers to learn a lesson!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher who hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Teacher is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Once again, these same fools who think kids would shoot at other kids and give other kids drugs – think that a teacher could do something sexual towards a student. When have we ever heard of anything like that happening?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY THIS COUNTRY IS SUCH A MESS ... DUHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exactly duh! Don't people know that running from guns, getting beaten up by bullies and parents, getting addicted to drugs, and sexually abused builds character! Sheesh!

HUMOR: Humor for Lexophiles

I'm sucker for a good pun - or even bad ones! So I pass these along that Ernest T Spoon sent me. :) - OlderMusicGeek

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: An English Lesson and a Song about Daves

A funny english lesson sent to me by a comedian who's a myspace friend. - OlderMusicGeek



And this one is from my much younger brother's myspace page. - OlderMusicGeek

HUMOR: For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.