CULTURE/SOCIETY: More Of "The World's Only Reliable Christmas News"

Here's some articles on Christmas by The World Weekly News that I miss last time. I edited the articles down. - OlderMusicGeek

BAT DUO CLIMBS ROCKEFELLER TREE
Posted on Friday, December 12th, 2008
By Gerry Dorsey

NEW YORK, NY – As a means of celebrating both Christmas and Britney’s recent success, the bat pair have done the unthinkable.

Batney and Bat Boy have been spending time in New York City this week, and the trip has culminated in a death-defying act of climbing the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree!

When Bat Boy finally reached up and touched the Swarovski crystal star, the crowd went wild, embracing each other and crying with relief over the duo’s safety.

Unfortunately, the tourists were too swept up in emotion to notice Bat Boy and Batney rolling the star down the side of the tree directly into a waiting pick-up truck. The rascals hopped in and high-fived before Batney sped off, leaving the crowd in stunned silence.

The star was later discovered hanging from the ceiling in the Times Square Toys ‘R Us.

The pointy-eared criminals are still at large.

A link to the complete article

PhD APE JR. ANALYZES SANTA
Posted on Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
By Samuel T. Westbrook

NEW YORK, NY – Holiday shoppers at Macy’s Department Store were surprised this week when PhD Ape brought his son and niece to meet Santa for the first time.

Junior was excited to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas. PhD Ape’s niece Bobo managed to sit still long enough to take a photo with Santa before running off to eat the candy cane picket fence in front of Santa’s Workshop.

“Junior wouldn’t tell me what he asked for,” PhD Ape told reporters outside Macy’s. “But I’m pretty sure it involved bananas, a rope swing, and a Wii Fit.”

“If he’s a good boy, he’ll also have asked for new slippers and a box of Cubans for his father.” PhD Ape said with a wink.

During his lunch break, reporters asked Santa about meeting the young ape children.

“It was a little unnerving, to be honest. I thought they were adorable, sweet little things, but then Junior asked me if I have daddy issues and if that’s why I feel the need to provide children with love and presents.”

“He asked if I crave the approval of my peers. He is definitely his father’s son.”

A link to the original site

NORTH POLE REQUESTS BAILOUT
Posted on Thursday, December 18th, 2008
By Reginald Cunningham III

WASHINGTON, DC - Santa Claus has requested a $14 million federal bailout to avoid a crash which could cancel Christmas.

The struggling world economy and increased costs of reindeer feed are cited as reasons why the North Pole is facing its first ever budget crisis. Santa Claus spoke before Congress this week, requesting a portion of the $700 billion federal bailout fund to make sure Christmas can go ahead as usual.

Some representatives are highly critical of the request. Jim DeMint (R. S.C) said, “Their business model brings in no income, they just give everything away. I’m amazed they got this far.”

Elf Unions are believed to be the cause of a hold up on a final deal.

Critics say that the United Elvin Workers are responsible for the North Pole’s collapse, demanding lavish wages for its workers. However, research shows that the average elf gladly works 16 hours a day in exchange for food and shelter. The last formal complaint made by the union requested five-minute song breaks every hour, extra tinsel allowances and improved handicapped bathroom access.

When asked if he would be using confidential information from his “Naughty List” to sway his opponents, Mr. Claus said “Right now all options are on the table.” Senator Norm Coleman squirmed in his seat.

A link to the complete article

SANTA FROZEN
Posted on Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
By Reginald Cunningham III

NORTH POLE - Santa Claus has yet again been frozen in a block of ice.

Delaying critical Christmas preparation, the elf union is working overtime to thaw out the yule time celebrity.

After going on his traditional pre-holiday bender, Santa drunkenly fell asleep outside the reindeer stables and was quickly frozen in a solid block of ice.

Experts believe he may have been hitting the bottle harder than usual due to his difficulty in receiving a federal bailout. Unsubstantiated reports say that Mrs. Claus may have been one of the unlucky victims taken in by the Madoff financial scheme.

UPDATE: Through a miraculous combination of teamwork and ingenuity, Santa Claus was saved and Christmas proceeded as scheduled.

Numerous attempts to free Santa from inside a giant block of ice failed. Blowtorches refused to start as a surprise blizzard came roaring through. Hammers and chisels made hardly a dent in the solid ice.

Finally, a daring combination of fresh chocolate chip cookies and gamma radiation saved the day. Head of the North Pole research department Sprinkles Von Bohrstein came up with the holiday saving idea to combine Santa’s favorite treat with a gamma powered “Cheer Emitter.” Mrs. Claus made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and placed them in front of the frozen Santa. Then Von Bohrstein aimed the experimental device at him, hoping the ice could be broken from the inside out.

Immediately results could be seen as Santa become hotter from the radiation and began to grow in size. With the thunderous crash of ice the mutated Santa Claus shattered his icy prison with a bellowing “Ho HO HOOOO!”

Other Holidays articles:
OBATMA CELEBRATES KWANZAA
MADOFF SPENDS HANNUKAH WITH ALIEN


A link to all my Christmas posts

Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you're celebrating!
MY CHRISTMAS INTERNET RADIO STATIONS
OlderMusicGeek Radio - Christmas Edition
OlderMusicGeek Radio - Christmas Rock and Punk Edition
OlderMusicGeek's Christmas QuickMix
powered by PANDORA
But if you don't have Pandora, you can hear some of songs at http://www.playlist.com/oldermusicgeek

ENTERTAINMENT: Excerpt from Christopher Moore's The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror

This is an excerpt from the book, The Stupidest Angel, that I mentioned in the above post. - OlderMusicGeek

Excerpt from

The Stupidest Angel

by Christopher Moore

Chapter One
Christmas Creeps

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Pine Cove, her pseudo-Tudor architecture all tarted up in holiday quaintage -- twinkle lights in all the trees along Cypress Street, fake snow blown into the corner of every shop's windows, miniature Santas and giant candles hovering illuminated beneath every streetlight -- opened to the droves of tourists from Los Angeles, San Francisco, and the Central Valley searching for a truly meaningful moment of Christmas commerce. Pine Cove, sleepy California coastal village -- a toy town, really, with more art galleries than gas stations, more wine-tasting rooms than hardware stores -- lay there, as inviting as a drunken prom queen, as Christmas loomed, only five days away. Christmas was coming, and with Christmas this year, would come the Child. Both were vast and irresistible, and miraculous. Pine Cove was expecting only one of the two.

Which is not to say that the locals didn't get into the Christmas spirit. The two weeks before and after Christmas provided a welcome wave of cash into the town's coffers, tourist-starved since summer. Every waitress dusted off her Santa hat and clip-on reindeer antlers and checked to make sure that there were four good pens in her apron. Hotel clerks steeled themselves for the rage of last-minute overbookings, while housekeepers switched from their normal putrid baby-powder air fresheners to a more festive putrid pine and cinnamon. Down at the Pine Cove Boutique they put a "Holiday Special" sign on the hideous reindeer sweater and marked it up for the tenth consecutive year. The Elks,Moose, Masons, and VFWs, who were basically the same bunch of drunk old guys, planned furiously for their annual Christmas parade down Cypress Street, the theme of which this year would be Patriotism in the Bed of a Pickup (mainly because that had been the theme of their Fourth of July parade and everyone still had the decorations). Many Pine Covers even volunteered to man the Salvation Army kettles down in front of the post office and the Thrifty-Mart in two-hour shifts, sixteen hours a day. Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics.


"Give up the cash, you cheap son of a bitch," said Lena Marquez, who was working the kettle that Monday, five days before Christmas. Lena was following Dale Pearson, Pine Cove's evil developer, through the parking lot, ringing the bejeezus out of him as he headed for his truck. On his way into the Thrifty-Mart, he'd nodded to her and said, "Catch you on the way out," but when he emerged eight minutes later, carrying a sack of groceries and a bag of ice, he blew by her kettle like she was using it to render tallow from building inspectors' butts and he needed to escape the stench.

"It's not like you can't afford a couple of bucks for the less fortunate."

She rang her bell especially hard right by his ear and he spun around, swinging the bag of ice at her about hip level.

Lena jumped back. She was thirty-eight, lean, darkskinned, with the delicate neck and finely set jawline of a flamenco dancer; her long black hair was coiled into two Princess Leia cinnabuns on either side of her Santa hat. "You can't take a swing at Santa! That's wrong in so many ways that I don't have time to enumerate them."

"You mean to count them," Dale said, the soft winter sunlight glinting off a new set of veneers he'd just had installed on his front teeth. He was fifty-two, almost completely bald, and had strong carpenter's shoulders that were still wide and square, despite the beer gut hanging below.

"I mean it's wrong -- you're wrong -- and you're cheap," and with that Lena put the bell next to his ear again and shook it like a red-suited terrier shaking the life out of a screaming brass rat.

Dale cringed at the sound and swung the ten-pound bag of ice in a great underhanded arc that caught Lena in the solar plexus and sent her backpedaling across the parking lot, gasping for breath. That's when the ladies at BULGES called the cops -- well, cop.


BULGES was a women's fitness center located just above the parking lot of the Thrifty-Mart, and from their treadmills and stair-climbing machines, the BULGES members could watch the ins and outs of the local market without feeling as if they were actively spying. So what had started as a moment of sheer glee and a mild adrenaline surge for the six of them who were watching as Lena chased Dale through the parking lot, turned quickly to shock as the evil developer thwacked the Latin Santa-ette in the breadbasket with a satchel of minicubes. Five of the six merely missed a step or gasped, but Georgia Bauman -- who had her treadmill cranked up to eight miles per hour at that very moment, because she was trying to lose fifteen pounds by Christmas and fit into a red-sequined sheath cocktail dress her husband had bought for her in a fit of sexual idealism -- bowled backward off her treadmill and landed in a colorful spandex tangle of yoga students who had been practicing on the mats behind her.

"Ow, my ass chakra!"

"That's your root chakra."

"Feels like my ass."

"Did you see that? He nearly knocked her off her feet. Poor thing."

"Should we see if she's all right?"

"Someone should call Theo."

The exercisers opened their cell phones in unison, like the Jets flicking switchblades as they gaily danced into a West Side Story gang-fight to the death . . .

A link to an ad for The Stupidest Angel

A link to all my Christmas and holiday posts

Happy Christmas and/or Boxing Day and/or Kwanzaa and/or Hannakah and/or Bodhi Day and/or Sanghamitta Day and/or Shabe Cheleh and/or Makara Sankranti and/or Junkanoo and/or Dong Zhi and/or Toji and/or Soyal and/or Yule and/or Seva Zistane and/or Alban Arthan and/or Long Night and/or Mean Geimrech and/or Brumalia and/or Dies Natalis Solis Invicti and/or Saturnalia and/or Lenaea and/or Wren Day and/or Tekufah Tevet and/or Winter Solstice and/or ChriFSMas and/or any other December or winter solstice holidays i missed!

Oh, and Bah Humbug to those who don't celebrate the holidays! :)