HUMOR - "Terrible band needed for a sham of a wedding"

http://m.tickld.com/funny/t/797695

HUMOR - You receiving this?

CULTURE/SOCIETY: The 50 Most Romantic Things That Ever Happened

This is what love looks like.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/the-50-most-romantic-things-that-ever-really-happened

POLITICS: Ha! This is why I'm so glad my wife didn't want a diamond ring for a wedding ring!

HUMOR: Worth the wait?

ENTERTAINMENT: May the fourth be with you!

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2012/05/04/its-star-wars-day-may-the-4th-be-with-you/

ENTERTAINMENT: Archie Broke My Heart! Now What?

I heard this on NPR. - OlderMusicGeek

August 19, 2009

Dear Amy:

I have been going out with my high school boyfriend, "Archie," for 67 years, though honestly it feels like longer.

We've had our ups and downs like any other couple, but for the most part we get along great.

Sure, he has commitment issues, but that's normal, right?

Unfortunately, it seems that whenever Archie and I get in a little tiff, "Veronica," my worst frenemy, sweeps in. She's, like, really manipulative. But what can I say — she's rich and stuck-up, and really knows how to work her curves. Plus, she drives a roadster.

Yesterday, I found out that Archie is planning to marry Veronica! I don't know how many times he has hinted that he and I would live happily ever after, but when I think about it, he never actually said the words. It was always implied, though.

I'm heartbroken. I'm mad, too.

The worst part is that they've asked me to go to the wedding! Veronica is even hinting that she wants me to be a bridesmaid! Can you imagine?

Of course, I'll probably do it because that's just the sort of person I am. But it's hard to imagine picking up the pieces after dating the same guy for three generations.

Amy, what am I supposed to do now?

Betty

Dear Betty:

Here's what you should do.

Pour yourself into a red dress — the one with the big white polka dots on it. Take your hair down for once, OK? You're a natural blonde, Betty — don't be afraid to work it! Don't wear your neck scarf; a simple strand of pearls would be nice.

I want you to hold your head up high, go to that wedding and tell yourself that you are better off without him.

At the wedding reception (I'm sure it will be held at the Riverdale Country Club), if you have a few too many appletinis and decide to tell off Veronica once and for all, and maybe dance a little too close with Reggie or Jughead, so be it! You're a free woman, Betty, and now's your chance to stand up for all the Bettys everywhere!

I have a really good feeling about you, Betty. I know there are many adventures in store for you. Have you thought about getting a job in the city?

You probably haven't heard the last of Archie. No doubt he'll come crawling back to you, just like he always does — and this will probably happen sooner than you think.

The real question you need to ask yourself is — what will you do then?

A link to the original website including a link to listen to the piece

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Employees Tell About First July 4 In U.S.

Hmmmm, I seem to have become something of a holiday blogger. Oh well, that's cool by me!

This is from my work newsletter. - OlderMusicGeek

Employees tell about first July 4 in U.S.

L (name deleted) was surprised by the differences between Fourth of July and Canada Day, which is July 1. “I thought the celebrations would be similar,” she says. “Not so much!”

L, finance/recoupment specialist in Recoupment and Medicare Secondary Payer at (town name deleted), grew up in Canada and experienced her first Fourth of July as a U.S. resident two years ago.

“We have the picnics, parades, you know, the whole deal,” she says. In Canada, however, only licensed professionals are allowed to set off fireworks for community shows. “Not in the U.S.,” she says. “Anyone can go to the local fireworks tent and stock up on various explosives.”

That’s just what Laurie and her husband did. “My husband took me to a local fireworks stand and told me to pick out whatever I wanted,” she says.

She and her husband also grilled hot dogs, tried to teach each other the words to their national anthem and attended a parade and fireworks show.

“The fireworks would have been romantic except my husband and hundreds of people around us were setting off their own fireworks,” she says. “So there I sat on our blanket alone, happily holding my sparkler!”


Fireworks of another kind

D (name deleted), process analyst in Preprocess at NAS, grew up in (town name deleted), Manitoba, which is 15 miles north of the International Peace Gardens located on the Canada-U.S. border.

The only time D paid attention to the American holiday was when she was planning a shopping trip to (town deleted), N.D., and wanted to make sure the stores would be open, she says.

In April 2004, D married a North Dakotan, and their wedding reception was held on the Fourth at her in-laws’ cabin on Lake Metigoshe near (town name deleted), N.D. D experienced another kind of fireworks when the grill was engulfed in flames.

“We were still able to eat the potatoes,” she says.

D says she sees more flags and festivities on the Fourth of July than she did on Canada Day. D has noticed “Americans are more patriotic.” To her, Canada Day meant a day off work. “The patriotism is nice to see,” she says. “I’m so happy to be here.”

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Never on a Hallmark Card

Another email from The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

HUMOR: For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.