POLITICS: An Interesting Rant on the South

Ernest T Spoon sent this to me a few months back. But being the big procrastinator that I am, I'm only put it up now.

I will admit this isn't the most polite dissertation around, but it had enough interesting points, that I wanted to put it up anyway. And to be honest, it was worse! The original title was "F*** the South". But I cleaned up the language, because I'm trying to run a PG/PG-13 site here.

We should have let The South go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we founded this country, jerks. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bull about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the freaking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were freaking blue-staters, dumbhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the freaking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and freaking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those freaking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for freaking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their freaking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this stuff, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dumbheads.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being freaking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the freaking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so freaking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your freaking bridges, jerk.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your freaking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane, you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a freaking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it," we said, but you had to have your freaking orange juice.

The next dirtwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their butt kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal freaking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, jerk, they're blue states. It's not your money, jerks, it's freaking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self-reliance? Try this for self-reliance: buy your own freaking stop signs, jerks.

Let's talk about those values for a freaking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my butt because the blue states got the values over you freaking Real Americans every day of the week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dirtwads? Well? Can you guess? It's freaking Massachusetts, the freaking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the freaking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are freaking blue states, jerk, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to freaking guess? 10 of the top 10 are freaking red we're-so-freaking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its freaking part.

But two guys making out is going to freaking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we freaking get to hear about it every year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're freaking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us freaking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous jerks? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the freaking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, jerks.

Well this gravy train is freaking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bull and shove it where the sun don't shine.

And no, you can't have your freaking convention in New York next time.