Ernest T Spoon sent this to me a few months back. But being the big procrastinator that I am, I'm only put it up now.
I will admit this isn't the most polite dissertation around, but it had enough interesting points, that I wanted to put it up anyway. And to be honest, it was worse! The original title was "F*** the South". But I cleaned up the language, because I'm trying to run a PG/PG-13 site here.
We should have let The South go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we founded this country, jerks. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bull about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the freaking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were freaking blue-staters, dumbhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the freaking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and freaking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those freaking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for freaking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their freaking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this stuff, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dumbheads.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being freaking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the freaking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so freaking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your freaking bridges, jerk.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your freaking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane, you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a freaking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it," we said, but you had to have your freaking orange juice.
The next dirtwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their butt kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal freaking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, jerk, they're blue states. It's not your money, jerks, it's freaking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self-reliance? Try this for self-reliance: buy your own freaking stop signs, jerks.
Let's talk about those values for a freaking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my butt because the blue states got the values over you freaking Real Americans every day of the week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dirtwads? Well? Can you guess? It's freaking Massachusetts, the freaking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the freaking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are freaking blue states, jerk, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to freaking guess? 10 of the top 10 are freaking red we're-so-freaking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its freaking part.
But two guys making out is going to freaking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we freaking get to hear about it every year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're freaking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us freaking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous jerks? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the freaking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, jerks.
Well this gravy train is freaking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bull and shove it where the sun don't shine.
And no, you can't have your freaking convention in New York next time.
World Central Kitchen workers killed in Israeli strikes will be honored at
memorial
-
The aid workers were killed April 1 when a succession of Israeli armed
drones ripped through vehicles in their convoy as they left one of World
Central Kit...
40 minutes ago
4 comments:
Angry fellow. I'm quickly forgetting my US history, but wasn't the South colonized by people from the North who got there later and wanted more land?
You should have seen it before I cleaned it up to fit into my PG/PG-13 website!
I couldn't answer your question on where Southerners came from. My pre-revolution history is pretty vague.
The original Southern settlers (ie the Virginia Colony on South) were English. At the time we're talking about most of the major landlholders were transplanted English or at most second or third generation Americans. (not that it was a country yet . . .) And yet, there was wandering North and South.
The South had an immediate difference in culture due to the influence of a large French population in the Louisiana territories. By the time the civil war rolled around both sides were well established.
Despite modern day rhetoric, the Civil War was not fought over slavery. That was an after affect (and a darned good one for our country). The real root of the war was the vast differences between the South and North in socio-economic terms and political philosophy.
The industrial North wanted a strong Federal authority governing transactions between States. The industrial barrons liked this as it would level the playing field for trade and ensure stable profits.
The vast agricultural economy of the South had been profiting for years by getting the resource hungy Northern states to compete for their goods. Strong interstate trade laws would eliminate (or at least reduce) that competition. It would also make it harder to transport goods without paying taxes on them.
One must remember that the economy in the South was nearly fuedal at the time of the civil war. The plantation owners owned nearly everything and most other folks (even free whites) were a sort of indentured servant. (OK, that's oversimplification, but I'm illustrating here.)
The South had resisted technological advances of most sorts and they were way behind in the ability to manufacture goods. Slavery was propping up their economy, but it was becoming less and less feasible to continue. Even without the civil war slavery would have been done for inside 30 years. (even 1 year is too many, I know, but the point is that the war was not over slavery)
Many Northerners abhorred slavery, but most tolerated it. That's shameful, but they were brutal times and ignorant people. Most Northern states let bounty hunters collect runaway slaves without interfering. Do you really think that's why they went to war?
No, in the end it was a series of charismatic Southern leaders invoking the American hatred for those who are better off than us to create a war.
I doubt they really wanted a war, but they fell into it when their bluff was called.
Frankly much of the South never recovered from their defeat. Sure the big cities are almost indistinguishable from their Northern counterparts, but rural Southerners are an entirely different breed that rural Northerners.
(PS: The Civil War is an extremely complicated topic, so someone could punch tons of holes in my statements above, but hey are essentially true, in a very broad sense.)
Well Kevin, from my knowledge of the Revolutionary period and the Civil War period, you sound pretty round on. (I may not know pre-Revolution that well, but I know the Revolution and Civil War fairly well... At least, better than your average American, which admittedly seems to get easier and easier as the years go by... I actually had a co-worker ask me what happened in 1776. But back to the topic at hand...)
I admit that the GOVERNMENT did NOT enter the war because of slavery. BUT many people supported the war and fought in the war because of that issue. So even if the government wasn't doing it for that reason, many people were.
And let me add another comment that will probably get me in HUGE trouble, but I'm saying (or even worse, writing) it anyway.
Let me make this clear first - I am totally against slavery and think it is COMPLETELY wrong. In fact, I don't think the world is doing enough to stop the slavery that is still going TODAY IN THE 21ST CENTURY. And trust me, there is still plenty of it going on! Do a google search with the words - slavery present today current.
But I must say that I think The South had the right to secede from The Union. I think that they were doing for a TERRIBLE reason, but I still think they had a right to do it.
So I guess in the end, I think the people were right in the reason for fighting The Civil War, and that our government's reason was wrong.
Post a Comment