HUMOR: Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Hotline

At work, I'm often near the phone in the back room, and therefore delegated to answering it. It has caller id, so if it's a co-worker, I often answer with a smartalecky remark like, "CIA headquarters. Please state your mission and code-name."

So while I was sitting on the john the other day - where else do men do all their great thinking? Anyway, while on the john, I came up with this ditty that was too long to use at work, but I thought you all might appreciate. - OlderMusicGeek


Merry Christmas. You've dialed 1-800-SANTA-CLAUS, the Santa Claus hotline.

If this is an elf reporting an emergency, please press 1 to contact the N.P.P.D. and N.P.F.D.* Next time, please dial 9-1-1.

If this is an elf reporting late or absent for work, press 2. Please have the name of your supervisor ready.

If this is an elf calling with payroll or benefit questions or issues, press 3. Please state your full name and worker ID number. Remember, you can also get instant information at Santa'sworkshop.com. That's santa-apostrophe-s-workshop (one word) dot com. Click on the payroll or benefit tab.

If you are calling to report someone as naughty or nice, press 4. Please have the first name, middle initial, last name and home town of the person you are reporting on.

If you are calling about your Christmas list, press 5. Please give your first name, middle initial, last name and home town. You can also go to santaclaus.com and push the Christmas list tab.

If you are a member of the media, press 6. Please remember Mr Claus is a very busy man around Christmastime.

If you are a government calling about changed airline flight plans that could interfere with Mr Claus's flight, press 7.

If you are calling for Mrs Claus, press 8.

If you wish to hear this message again, press 9.

Press 0 if you wish to speak to someone immediately. Around Christmastime though, the wait could be for an extended time. You will hear traditional carols while you are on hold.

Thank you for your cooperation. And again, have a very merry Christmas.

*The North Pole Police Department and North Pole Fire Department