you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
January 18, 2008
you might know that i'm always sort of on the look out for new products that make absolutely no sense to me.
('nuts and gum-together at last' as featured on the simpsons, for example).
years ago i found a flavored bottled water for pets. oh, that was a good one.
they had 'crispy beef flavored water' for dogs.
and 'tangy fish flavored water' for cats.
i'm not making this up. really. i even bought some just so people would believe me that such things existed.
well, today someone sent me a link to 'chelada'.
http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/29/37389'what is chelada?' i hear you asking?
and 'is it disgusting?' i hear as your potential follow-up question.
well, here are the answers:
a-chelada is a new product from the anheuser-busch corporation. it combines budweiser beer with clam juice and tomato juice. in a can. for convenience and portability.
b-is it disgusting? well, i haven't tried it, but really, how could beer and clam juice and tomato juice in a can not be disgusting? i mean, how could it not be ipecac-like in it's ability to immediately cause the consumer to start vomiting uncontrollably?
maybe i'm mistaken. maybe people love it and swear by it and find it to be refreshing and tasty.
here's the scene: it's august 10th and it's very hot outside. you've just come back from a long and healthy bike ride and you're hot and sweaty and boy do you want something refreshing to slake your thirst.
'honey! i'm back from my bike ride and boy am i thirsty!'
'welcome back honey, would you like a room temperature can of beer mixed with clam juice?'
'boy would i!!'
i personally see the target market for chelada(clam flavored tomato beer)as being senior citizens who smoke those dark brown 'more' cigarettes and are on their 3rd bypass operation and need oxygen tanks to walk to their car and who've given up and life and want to ingest things that will fill them with a feeling of self-loathing and despair. but i could be wrong.
maybe the clam flavored tomato beer market is younger and more vibrant, sort of like the people who watch the bam margera show and drink mountain dew and listen to rape rock and punch waiters?
here's the ad campaign:
4 guys in a contemporary suv, nu-metal music playing. the 4 guys are drinking chelada clam flavored tomato beer and high-fiving while throwing their empty cans at homeless people and baby deer and bunnies.
voice over: 'extreme! when all you wanna do is party, go with chelada!'
commercial ends as the 4 chelada drinking guys chase a nun down a dark alley, high-fiving all the way.
maybe they're going for the youth market? a jaded youth market, tired of being catered to in unimaginably varied ways, hungry for something new. and what's newer than clam flavored tomato beer(in a 'lite' version for our fitness conscious consumers)?
it makes me wonder what's up next in the anheuser-busch new-product pipeline.
how about:
'partita': mexican rose wine in a can, flavored with real 'south of the border' lizard blood.
'G-filte': sweet passover wine, flavored with whitefish and guarana, for a 100% kosher-kick.
'coro': deep fried beer, filtered through grade-b beef, with 2 tablespoons of lard in every can.
it's a fantastic time to be alive.
-moby
...what the hell? I love you and the flavor combination does sound intriguing enough that you might try it. So, I crack the can and sniff (because that is a trait common amongst males in my family), in order to determine whether the substance has gone bad. Despite the "Born On" date, I still don't trust it. So, I take a whiff and am greeted with a sort of odd combination of water, beer sweat squeezed from a bartop cocktail napkin, and loneliness. Yup! That's Budweiser.
But, I'm not drinking this crap without first seeing it. I bust out one of the pint glasses I stole and fill it. Words cannot describe the horror .
Things that are wrong with this picture:
1. I am holding the glass up to the light, but you cannot see through it.
2. The fluid holds little resemblance to either of the base fluids it is made of.
Oh my Christ, what have I gotten myself into? I mean, I love you. I really do. But this seems a bit far. Like Santa leaving coal in your stocking only to beat you senseless with it.
Wary of my prey, I engaged it in a stare-down. It must know I am stronger and, thus, the victor in this battle:
Due almost entirely to my incredible sideburns, the Chelada backed down and I raised the glass, firing off a short prayer to my colon hoping my sudden faith would halt it evulsing my entire GI tract. Bottoms up? And...
Seconds pass in an eternity of silence...
Nothing. It just tastes like Budweiser, which is kind of a let down. I smell the drink again, wait, then take another sip assuming some critical mass need accumulate before catalyzing a chain reaction of "flavor bursts." Sadly, nothing it me. I put the pint down on the counter, dejected, and pick up the can to see if I needed to shake it or add my own clams or something.And then it hits me.
Loved one, the evil of the Chelada is perhaps the most evil kind of evil. It is subtle. It sneaks up on you. You sip it and encounter almost nothing yet as I sit here writing, I can still taste the horrid combination of tomatoes, clams, and hops. The aftertaste of this vile substance is probably one of the most veiled evil things I have known and I can't get it to go away. I've brushed my teeth twice already and every time I burp (which has been several times) it comes right back.
So, please, don't imbibe this foul drink. I did it because I loved you enough to find out. To find out if this was the attack on humanity I suspected. It is. It is that and so much more.
The original site of Moby's piece
A link to Moby's blog
A link to Moby's website
The complete piece on Matt, the AntiGenius trying chelada
A link to antigenius.net/blog
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