HUMOR: Humor for Lexophiles

I'm sucker for a good pun - or even bad ones! So I pass these along that Ernest T Spoon sent me. :) - OlderMusicGeek

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Are You Smarter than a Pre-Schooler?

Well, I couldn't find any evidence on the 'net about whether this did this test on pre-schoolers or not. But I'll print this email from my mother anyway. :) - OlderMusicGeek

Subject: Fw: Are you smarter than a pre-schooler?

PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?
Can't make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture again.
Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question.
90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."
How do you feel now ???
I know, me too.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Santa Claus is a Vampire, Part Two

I found this post on the 'net the other day. It came out 10 days after I wrote my own piece on Santa Claus being a vampire. So you see! I am NOT the only who could come up with something like this!

This is from a blog called The Bionic Genius Roundtable. - OlderMusicGeek


If I told you there was a man who never seemed to die but lived on century after century, crept about only at night, snuck into our homes through the use of magic, could command animals, kept small people as slaves, could fly through the night sky and had a fascination with children, naturally you’d think I was describing a vampire. But NO! That’s a description of Santa Claus. So, is Santa Claus a vampire? Let’s look at some disturbing facts…

There are several different legends and folktales that make up the modern day depiction of Santa Claus but many of those folktales can be traced back to Europe several centuries ago. This was a time when the dark forests of Europe were rife with vampires the way we have squirrels today. In fact, a certain man known as Vlad “The Impaler” Tepes ruled in the Balkans in the mid-15th century. It could just be a coincidence that Santa Claus was becoming well-known during this time but…

Santa Claus is immortal or should I say “undead”… He appears year after year, century after century.

Forget the mall Santa Clauses. The real Santa Claus only comes out one day a year - check that – one night a year. He is nocturnal. Is this by choice or a dire need to avoid the burning rays of the sun?

The big beard and padded costume help to conceal anything suspicious. The droopy moustache hides the sharp canines. The padding of thick coats and pants hides his bone-thin cadaverous frame. The red costume doesn’t show any spilled blood. Why is his face such an unnaturally bright red hue as to beg comparisons such as “cheeks like roses and a nose like a cherry”? One word: makeup.

How does Santa enter our homes? Not through the front door. Remember that no vampire can enter a home unless invited. This necessitates gaining entry through other methods. The chimney is available but only if you are able to somehow transform into something small enough to fit down a chimney and then somehow fly back up. The form of a bat would fit this bill nicely…

Who builds the toys? We are told that it’s elves but they resemble children. Children who never age but are trapped in a loop of undying servitude perhaps… The cute little “elves” seem to be early victims who are forever trapped in childlike bodies (like Kirsten Dunst in “Interview with a Vampire”) but apparently are willing to help him by building the toys that he delivers.

I am in no way suggesting that Santa Claus is truly evil. Obviously his generosity is sincere and enormous. But I think the facts add up to only one conclusion and that is that he is a vampire. Possibly a reformed vampire who is trying to make up for his past transgressions. Sneaking into our homes once a year to drink our sweet blood while we sleep may be a necessary evil for him. However, because of his gentle (though unbeating) heart, he repays us with toys and gifts. He is a great man and we are lucky to have his spirit with us no matter what manner of creature he may be. So this Christmas, sleep deeply and leave your collar just a little loose for old Santa Claus.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Girlfriend from Hell

I just learned that I can upload videos unto my blog. :) So here's a couple that Ernest T Spoon sent me a while back. - OlderMusicGeek

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Just So You Know

Click


Here

HUMOR: Is Mommy Near the Phone?

Another email from Ernest T Spoon. This one is definitely PG-13. :) - OlderMusicGeek

"Hi, Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Purina Diet

Another joke from the clearing out of my emails - this one from Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

I have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. However, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. She then asked if the reason I was in the hospital was because I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me!

HUMOR: Government's More Advanced Strategies

This is an ancient email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: "When you discover that you're riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in the government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1) Buying a stronger whip to be used on the dead horse.
2) Changing riders.
3) Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses
4) Appointing a committee to study the dead horse.
5) Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.
6) Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired", thus entitling it to benefits.
7) Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9) Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10) Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11) Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all dead horses.
12) Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than a live horse.
13) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: What My Superpower Should Be

Being a comic book fan in my youth, I had to take this quiz. - OlderMusicGeek.

Your Superpower Should Be Mind Reading

You are brilliant, insightful, and intuitive. You understand people better than they would like to be understood. Highly sensitive, you are good at putting together seemingly irrelevant details. You figure out what's going on before anyone knows that anything is going on! Why you would be a good superhero: You don't care what people think, and you'd do whatever needed to be done Your biggest problem as a superhero: Feeling even more isolated than you do now

What Should Your Superpower Be?

ENTERTAINMENT, CULTURE/SOCIETY and SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION: In Search of Superman's Inner Jew

Well, they've written about this topic in numerous American books on comics - and even in books on Jewish culture, and does it anyone take notice? No, of course not. But France does something and the mainstream media - Time in this case - finally notices! - OlderMusicGeek

The debate has raged for decades: is he Jewish, Methodist, Kryptonian Raoist? But finally, it's been settled: Superman is definitely... a non-Aryan Protestant. The complex origins of many a comic book character are deconstructed at the engaging and erudite exhibit, "From Superman to the Rabbi's Cat" — through Jan. 27 at the Museum of Jewish Art and History in Paris — which explores the impact of the Jewish experience on the evolution of the comic strip and graphic novel.

Comics are serious culture in France, where they were named "the Ninth Art" in 1964 by historian Claude Beylie. Today, the country hosts the preeminent annual international comic book festival in the town of Angoulême. And it is in that committed comic-book aficionado spirit that "From Superman to the Rabbi's Cat" presents some 230 American and European works dating back to 1890, including the 1940 strip How Superman Would End the War. "I'd like to land a strictly non-Aryan sock on your jaw," grumbles the Man of Steel as he drags Adolf Hitler off to be tried for crimes against humanity. For the late comic-book artist Will Eisner, the Jewish people, faced with the rise of fascism, "needed a hero who could protect us against an almost invincible force." Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster's Superman in 1938 was only the first and — like Bob Kane's Batman in 1939, Jack Kirby's Captain America in 1940 and many more that followed — he was created by sons of Jewish immigrants living in New York.

Like their characters, many of these artists took on dual identities, says author and comic book historian Didier Pasamonik, a consultant on the exhibit: "There was a kind of diffused anti-Semitism at the time, and it was better to use a good American commercial name to reach the wider public." Even as Robert Kahn had become Bob Kane and Jacob Kurtzberg worked as Jack Kirby, their superheroes reflected some of the identity they were masking, evoking Jewish concepts such as tikkun olam (repairing the world through social action) and legends such as the Golem of Prague, the medieval superhero of Jewish folklore who was conjured from clay by a rabbi to defend his community when it was under threat.

Years later, some comic superheroes would actually be identified as Jews, like Auschwitz survivor Magneto and — the Golem myth incarnate — Ben Grimm (The Thing) of the Fantastic Four. But despite the rumors, the Man of Steel is no Supermensch, says Pasamonik. "Superman is not Jewish," he says. "When Superman gets married it's not at the synagogue!" Pasamonik has not missed the heavy dose of Jewish culture Siegel and Shuster instilled in their character: baby Superman's passage through space in a cradle-like vessel and subsequent adoption "is the story of Moses," he says, adding that El of Superman's given name Kal-El is a Hebrew word for God. But with a Methodist upbringing and extra-terrestrial origins, Superman, says Pasamonik, is best described simply as a "non-Aryan" hero.

And why not? Non-Aryan describes most of the southern and eastern European and Asian immigrants that crossed the oceans with the Siegels, Shusters, Kahns and Kurtzbergs in the late 19th and early 20th century. For the Pulitzer-prize- winning cartoonist Jules Feiffer, World War II-era superheroes embodied the American dream shared by the countless foreigners. "It wasn't Krypton that Superman came from; it was the planet Minsk or Lodz or Vilna or Warsaw," wrote Feiffer in his essay The Minsk Theory of Krypton. "Superman was the ultimate assimilationist fantasy."

After World War II, the comic book genre became an unlikely vehicle for civic protest and consolidation of memory. "The hour of immigrant assimilation gave way to the fight for minorities and civil rights," explains Pasamonik. Harvey Kurtzman used the medium to tackle racial segregation, the Cold War and McCarthyism in his satirical MAD magazine. In 1955, when popular awareness of the Holocaust was scant, Bernard Krigstein and Al Feldstein caused a shock by revisiting the concentration camps with the seminal graphic story Master Race. During the '60s and '70s the genre opened up to the banal and biographical, with Pekar and Crumb's darkly humorous American Splendor and Eisner's landmark graphic novel, A Contract with God.

"Eisner brought an absolutely revolutionary dimension to the graphic novel, which was to make it an instrument of memory," says Pasamonik. Finally, with a nod toward Edmond-Francois Calvo's 1944 La Bete est Morte (The Beast is Dead) — which uses animals to tell the story of World War II — Art Spiegelman brought the graphic novel worldwide recognition by winning a Pulitzer prize in 1992 for his Holocaust saga, Maus. Eisner and Spiegelman's heirs now litter the globe, from Frenchman Joann Sfar (The Rabbi's Cat) to Iranian Marjane Satrapi (Persepolis). "From Superman to the Rabbi's Cat" pays homage to these artists, inviting the viewer to consider the subtexts at work even in comic books about men in tights.

A link to the article

CULTURE/SOCIETY and SCIENCE: U.S. Life Expectancy Lags Behind Other Countries

I found this originally in my work newsletter. But it's from Associated Press. I edited it down. Here's a link to the complete article. - OlderMusicGeek.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Americans are living longer than ever, but not as long as people in 41 other countries.

Countries that surpass the U.S. include Japan and most of Europe, as well as Jordan and the Cayman Islands.

A baby born in the United States in 2004 will live an average of 77.9 years. That life expectancy ranks 42nd, down from 11th two decades earlier, according to international numbers provided by the Census Bureau and domestic numbers from the National Center for Health Statistics.

Andorra, a tiny country in the Pyrenees mountains between France and Spain, had the longest life expectancy, at 83.5 years, according to the Census Bureau. It was followed by Japan, Macau, San Marino and Singapore.

The shortest life expectancies were clustered in Sub-Saharan Africa, a region that has been hit hard by an epidemic of HIV and AIDS, as well as famine and civil strife. Swaziland has the shortest, at 34.1 years, followed by Zambia, Angola, Liberia and Zimbabwe.

Researchers said several factors have contributed to the United States falling behind other industrialized nations. A major one is that 45 million Americans lack health insurance, while Canada and many European countries have universal health care, they say.

Among the other factors:

• Adults in the United States have one of the highest obesity rates in the world. Nearly a third of U.S. adults 20 years and older are obese, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

"The U.S. has the resources that allow people to get fat and lazy," said Paul Terry, an assistant professor of epidemiology at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. "We have the luxury of choosing a bad lifestyle as opposed to having one imposed on us by hard times."

• Racial disparities. Black Americans have an average life expectancy of 73.3 years, five years shorter than white Americans.

Black American males have a life expectancy of 69.8 years, slightly longer than the averages for Iran and Syria and slightly shorter than in Nicaragua and Morocco.

• A relatively high percentage of babies born in the U.S. die before their first birthday, compared with other industrialized nations.

Forty countries, including Cuba, Taiwan and most of Europe, had lower infant mortality rates than the U.S. in 2004. The U.S. rate was 6.8 deaths for every 1,000 live births. It was 13.7 for Black Americans, the same as Saudi Arabia.

Another reason for the U.S. drop in the ranking is that the Census Bureau now tracks life expectancy for a lot more countries -- 222 in 2004 -- than it did in the 1980s. However, that does not explain why so many countries entered the rankings with longer life expectancies than the United States.

Murray, from the University of Washington, said improved access to health insurance could increase life expectancy. But, he predicted, the U.S. won't move up in the world rankings as long as the health care debate is limited to insurance.

Policymakers also should focus on ways to reduce cancer, heart disease and lung disease, said Murray. He advocates stepped-up efforts to reduce tobacco use, control blood pressure, reduce cholesterol and regulate blood sugar.

A link to the complete article

CULTURE/SOCIETY and HUMOR: In Praise of Older Women

The Formerly Wild Now Christian Co-Worker sent me an email praising women over 40. It was rather schmaltzy piece that Andy Rooney had supposably written. Well, I checked at Snopes.com. It turns out Andy Rooney didn't write it. When asked if he agreed with the piece, he said, "Not particularly." Now THAT sounds like Andy Rooney!

Anyway, the piece of work was actually a schmaltzification of a rather humorous and entertaining piece written by a Frank Kaiser. And I have included most of the original web page below. - OlderMusicGeek.

In Praise of
Older Women By Frank Kaiser

One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.

When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.

Today, at 71, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.

But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.

As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:

• An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.
  
  
• An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
  
  
• An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!
  
  
• And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!

  Her libido's stronger.

  Her fear of pregnancy's gone.

  Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.

  And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)

• Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.

  ---

  “If the Lord made anything better than a woman, He kept it for Himself.” — Jerry Lee Lewis

---

• An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!
  
  
• Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
  
  
• Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.
  
  
• An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
  
  
• Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.

Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

© Copyright 2000 - 2006—Frank Kaiser

---

EDITOR'S NOTE: ON APRIL 2, 2003, I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM ANDY ROONEY OF "60 MINUTES." HE TOO HAS BEEN BOMBARDED BY E-MAIL CONTAINING THE ABOVE COLUMN SIGNED BY "ANDY ROONEY."
HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD NO IDEA HOW THIS STARTED, THAT HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS COLUMN, THAT HE WAS HOPING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

See the Baltimore Sun's Susan Reimer's funny column about this column.

Also see http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/rooney2.asp

---

Of course, a celebrated encomium about older women was penned by a famous American statesman over 250 years earlier, when Benjamin Franklin wrote the piece known to us as "Old Mistresses' Apologue": June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entring into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
   
   
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
   
   
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
   
   
4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
   
   
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
   
   
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
   
   
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
   
   
8. and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate Friend. B. Franklin

The original piece written by Frank Kaiser

About how the piece got attributed to Andy Rooney on Snopes.com

A Baltimore Sun article on Andy Rooney's take of all of this

HUMOR: One Day on I-80

This is an email from Ernest T Spoon. It originally mentioned our state, but I don't like giving too many details about myself on the web, so I changed the state name to "the midwest". - OlderMusicGeek.

Two men were driving on I-80 in the midwest, when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in the midwest, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over here, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, “the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd hell did you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says. "Two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say I wish that jerk would've tried that with me!"

HUMOR: Plane Ride from a Hunt

This joke was emailed to me by my mom. - OlderMusicGeek


Two hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

The other replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

POLITICS: When Bush is Right, He's Right

Ultra-liberal, Ernest T Spoon, sent me this. It's from Progressive Daily Beacon. I do think the author gets a little carried away, but he makes some very good points. - OlderMusicGeek

When Bush is Right, He's Right
Silence Dogood, November 2nd, 2007

I don't often agree with George W. Bush but when he's right, he's right. Thursday Mister Bush said that the Democrats were like the people who ignored the rise of Hitler. He then went on to say that "the world paid a terrible price." And, sadly, he is 100 percent right! The Democrats have been entirely too quick to appease Mister Bush and Dick Cheney's fascist agenda.

Oh fine, Bush and Cheney haven't baked six million people in the ovens ... YET ... but you have to admit that the senseless slaughter of some one million Iraqis in an unprovoked war for oil is a pretty good start toward Hitler's mark. One can rest assured that the conflict with Iran will inch the Bush cabal ever closer to Hitler's sickening tally.

I love the corporate-owned media response to someone likening Bush and Cheney to Hitler: "Don't you think though, that they just have America's best interest at heart? Sure, they're obviously a bit misguided, but they're patriotic and really only doing what is best for America, don't you think?"

Sure, and Hitler figured it was in Germany's best interest to round-up Jews and to pitch them into the kiln. Also, one of the main reasons Hitler marched across Europe was to confiscate all the agricultural land and in the doing, to ensure a good and steady supply of food for his German master race. Hitler went to war to steal Poland's wheat, and Bush and Cheney went to war to steal Iraq's oil. Different time. Different resource. Same motivation and same result. And guess what? Many Democrats, including Hillary Clinton, voted in favor of Bush's Iraq blitzkrieg. And know what else? Many Democrats continue to support funding for the Bush-Cheney Iraq oil grab.

As a tasty aside, "shock and awe" was just a cool Neocon way of calling a "blitzkrieg" something other than a blitzkrieg. But ... err ... it was a blitzkrieg.

Yeah, gotta give Bushie credit where credit is due. He's never been more right in all his life! The Democrats are EXACTLY like the people who ignored the rise of Hitler.

Bush actually has a lot in common with Hitler. The German madman LOVED torture and secret prisons (ever hear of Auschwitz?). Of course, Hitler and the Nazi Party had the armed Schutzstaffel (Waffen SS) and Bush, Cheney, and the Republican Party have the North Carolina-based Blackwater. That's a paranoid observation, right? Well, Mister Bush and Cheney have swindled the American taxpayer out of nearly a billion dollars of funding for Blackwater. To put that figure into perspective, in terms of every country on the planet's annual military spending, that would put Blackwater in the top 50 percent. That is one huge taxpayer-subsidized private military. Hitler would have killed to have such a privatized force at his fingertips.

Of course the Democrats continue providing funding for Blackwater. And the Democrats continue to pass Bush-written legislation that guts the Constitution and undermines the peoples' rights and freedoms ... think FISA and domestic spying without warrants. So, oh yeah buddy! Bush is damned straight ... the Democrats are like the people who ignored the rise of Hitler.

Link to the opinion piece

ENTERTAINMENT: Batman Goes Shopping

Maybe it's just me, but I found this really amusing. - OlderMusicGeek



Some comments from Youtube by the guy who made it, Griffith84, and people who watched it.

I made this video as a going away present for my buddy to college. Hope you enjoy. Also check out my myspace for pics of my costumes. www.myspace.com/funnyguyderek

nzallblacks09 e Marked as spam

(Reply)

that costume is professional as hell...can i ask how and where you got it?

Griffith84 Marked as spam

(Reply)

I made the costume. I got everything I needed from eBay and around the internet.

nzallblacks09

(Reply)

wow...excellent work...i tried to make my own too, but it just doesn't look as good...did it cost a lot for all the pieces?

Griffith84 Marked as spam

(Reply)

It cost me just over $1,400 to make. If any of you are looking on getting a costume like this, you're looking at spending $1,500 to $2,000

Wizbango

(Reply)

SO what did the check-out lady say to you?

Griffith84 e Marked as spam

(Reply)

All she said was total under $25 dollars don't need a signature. I said thanks in my awesome batman voice.

grimreaperhenrik

(Reply)

This was really funny and I really LOL'ED. But it was too few people in the store to make any point of it, why bother when there is no one but the cashier? And she didn't even smile a bit... odd.

Griffith84 Marked as spam

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She didn't smile cause she was pissed at the look of me lol.

RayLi Marked as spam

(Reply)

Man, I've never seen a guy buy toilet paper with such intensity, lol

Doeney Hide Marked as spam

(Reply)

Why did no security guy try to stop you?

buska1i11y Marked as spam

(Reply)

because batman serves JUSTICE!

guitarhero73 Marked as spam

(Reply)

I tried to do this yesterday for a project in my Sociology class. I didn't get more than 10 feet in the store before security turned me around and told me I could only come in if I take the mask off.

tallmomof3 Marked as spam

(Reply)

My boys are watching this and LOVE it. Batman you rock! Although...if I saw Batman in my grocery store I would assume he was a terrorist. Or I'd offer to pay for his milk and TP. Because that's just the kind of person I am! A real superhero shouldn't have to pay for anything! :)

xlizlennonx Marked as spam

(Reply)

"Uhm. Yeah, Linda? If Batman comes in today...just act normal."

DH2020 Marked as spam

(Reply)

alright here is my list for today:
1) Have a dinner date with a news reporter
2) Go to the store and buy some TP and juice
3) Find Joker's hideout and flush him out.

jo22kyubi

Marked as spam

(Reply)

Hey i have a question for you. At 1:28 you gave the finger. Was it at the people that were following you or did someone say " hey dumbass" or something like that to you? Also very funny, cant wait for spiderman.

Griffith84 Marked as spam

(Reply)

LOL I'm glad you asked. The people behind me told me to slow down...aaaaaa sorry but Batman only has one speed if you can't keep up he'll leave you in the shadows.

bortec9Marked as spam

(Reply)

milk & paper towels? guess hes going to see catwoman.
nice vid!!

christensenct

He jacks some apples at the start, and you notice he never pays for them at checkout LOL.

ADevilsReject6 Marked as spam

(Reply)

He totally stole! That's not what Batman would do!

Griffith84 Marked as spam

(Reply)

No, I didn't do that. I did not steal. Look closer. I grabbed one apple, looked at it, then tossed it back. I have no pockets. Where would I put an apple?

Jimmyclownde Marked as spam

(Reply)

LOL Batdude in the Grocery store! Batman is Awesome! Batman only goes shopping as Bruce Wayne because Batman is too awesome! Cool costume, even the design of the Cape and mask! But how did people react afterward?

Griffith84 Hide Marked as spam

(Reply)

Thanks I'm glad you all like it. After I got out of the store a lot of people in the parking lot yelled out. "Batman, look its batman!" On Halloween night, me and my buddy and his girlfriend went to a Domino's and picked up some pizza. A cop showed up to get something. I said "How's it going?" in my Batvoice. Then when we left, I said "Take care." It was so funny. You can tell the cop was trying real hard to keep a straight face but he never laughed.

Another amusing Batman video.

ENTERTAINMENT: Spam Poetry

This is from me, OlderMusicGeek, not a reprinted article.

Well, I'm still doing experimental poetry! But instead of subject lines from emails of pornographers, I just used the regular spam.

Shed It

Have you popped the bullet?
when does your modeling affect but develop
Got fungus?
have no blemish skin that evening
A Secret Lover is Trying to Get in Touch With You
You've got to see Maureen's Bonuses!
healthy looking skin but what is the reason today
slim down to a new pretty built
where is your balance and there is a change surely
Redhead Gets Stuffed eaten
fashion your torso this month
i'd never get through the gates
retain that baggage
Mom, did you get my last email?
grab me one of these too
Are you ready to rock?
Watch out for huge waves tomorrow
You won't believe this new yacht
We do it everyday
Your Friends Will EnvyYou
Introducing the all-new de-duper
I played with this for hours

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Happy Kant-mas!!!