HUMOR and POLITICS: The Dam

Another humorous email forwarded to me by The Sassy Witch. I can't tell you whether this is a real letter or not, but it has the ring of one. - OlderMusicGeek

This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the department files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T1 1N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.
(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is: aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).


So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Dear Kotex

A hilarious email forwarded to me by my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Dear Kotex:

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.

Annoying advice such as:

Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interests me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crud advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your butt.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Oh No! Not a Dork!

Well, if you read the blog entry below, you will learn of my identity crisis, where I came to realize I wasn't a geek or a nerd. And I used to think, "Well, I may be a nerd - or a geek - but at least I'm not a dork!"

And I listened to The Sex Pistols in high school and The Clash in college. I could have become a punk rocker when I had the chance! Or at least a "new waver"! I listened to Devo and Talking Heads too! (And Talking Heads weren't cool in the late 70s/early 80s!)

But I'm afraid that I'm not a punk rocker, or a new waver - which is probably a good thing when you're in your mid-40's! But I'm not even a nerd or geek now either. Despite the fact that one of my co-workers - who I will call The Crazy Smart Alec Co-Worker - says she uses "dork" as a "term of endearment", I don't find it very endearing or desirable. Unfortunately, it does seem applicable - as the following results show....

Oh, this identity crisis gets worse and worse.

Dork Quiz

You're an Official DORK

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! You're a dork. You knew that. You know a lot of random stuff actually...You probably know what a male duck is called, and no, it's not a duck. I bet you tell "I'm a big dork" stories on a fairly regular basis. You're a member of Alpha Beta Needa Data. But what makes you cool (in your own sort of way) anyway is that you take all of this with a sense of humor. You know full well there's nothing wrong with being a little strange; you wouldn't have it any other way. That's pretty respectable. Even if your socks don't really match, if you look at 'em up close. But who's going to be looking that close at your socks anyway, right? So take pride in your dorkiness. You rock.

What Kind of Dork are You?

2.Secure Dork- You could care less about what people think of you. For the most part people are cool with you except for assholes.

The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

Tri-Lamb Material
60 % Nerd, 30% Geek, 56% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Dork, earning you the coveted title of: Tri-Lamb Material.

The classic, "80's" nerd, you are what most people think of when they think "nerd," largely due to 80's movies like Revenge of the Nerds and TV shows like Head of the Class. You're exceptionally bright and smart, and partly because of that have never quite fit in with your peers or social groups. Perhaps you've realized, or will someday, that it is possible to retain all of the things that you like about being brilliant and still make peace with the social cliques around you. Or maybe you won't--it's really not necessary. As the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda discovered, you're fine just the way you are and can take pride in that. I mean, who wants to be like Ogre, right!?

Congratulations!


Dork Spectrum: Where Do You Fall

Inconspicuous Dork- (Moderate Abnormality)-

This rank of Dorkiness is a combination of a playful spirit with an ignorant social perspective. The Inconspicuous Dork is awkward in all or some of the following; posture, physical movement, gestures, facial expression. They also may display some deficit in the area of appropriate humor and social communication interactions. Their humor is seldom appropriate or understandable to anyone other than themselves. The main distinction between an Inconspicuous Dork and a Full-on Dork lies primarily in the awareness and effort of the alleged Dork. If awareness and effort are low but result in the same awkward actions and comments this is endearing and often considered "“Quirky". On the other hand, if there is a considerable amount of effort put forth to formulate related humor or obviously rehearsed actions that are not well received, this increased effort and somewhat evident awareness of awkward actions can be classified as "Annoying"”. Anyone who is annoying has reached the gateway to Full-o

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.Unfortunately, with this test, they don't show the other rankings, so you can get a good look where you fall.

How much of a dork are you?
- Sort of dorky. You probably are.
Again, nothing to compare you to other scores! Sheesh!

Are you a dork? - You have 4 from 10 questions correct. Not that bad! But watch it you're getting up there. You are almost at the borderline: Citizenship??? Dork.

Just how dorky are you? - With your 50 % you are: You are not only a dork, you're the president of the National Dork Society (NDS)! That's a good thing! You're fun, and simple things amuse you. You are unique! Get out the cheese and celebrate! 22 % from 9007 test takers had this profile!

And this test shows the other possible results! Yay!

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Identity Crisis! Oh My God! I'm Not a Nerd or a Geek!

I just don't know how to deal with this. But I've taken various tests on nerdy or geeky I am. Yahoo, in fact, recently listed a bunch. And I don't come up very high!

Now obviously, most people would come away with this noise with great rejoice.
But I was a big social reject in high school. And it took me a while to come to terms with who I was and with what I thought was my nerdity. I decided I didn't care what people think - I wanted to read comicbooks and science fiction and listen to punk rock and new wave (which was radical in the midwest in the early 80s!).

I even went to my high school class's 5th reunion just to come to terms with my supposed nerdity.

Now I find I'm not even a nerd! I'm just some weird social reject of an undefined nature. I don't know - maybe I dealt with my nerdity too well.

But now I don't know what I am.

If you have any ideas out there, I love to hear it. What the heck am I? Certainly not a yuppie! What am I?! WHAT AM I?!?! WHAT - FOR GOD'S SAKE - AM I?!?!?!

Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: High Music Geekiness: High Fashion Geekiness: Moderate Geekiness in Love: Low Movie Geekiness: Low SciFi Geekiness: Low Gamer Geekiness: None General Geekiness: None Internet Geekiness: None

How Geeky Are You?

Are you a nerd or a geek? - You are a partial nerd! You do slightly nerdy things, but you don't go too far with it. But sometimes, you just need to wear a bow tie that was picked out by your mother and buy some Pokemon cards!

Geek

You scored 75 variable 1!You're okay. You're my type of person. We could talk.
By the way, this tag is from Badali Jewelry. They were kind enough to give me permission to use their tags.

Link: The Well-Rounded Geek Test written by ceruleanl on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test Your nerdiness is: Not nerdy, but definitely not hip Nerd Purity Test - I'm only 24% Nerd on this test and have my Weirdness Factor is only 16%. The average for most people is 26.2% Nerd. Geek Purity Test - I'm only 14.7% Geek on this test and my Weirdness Factor is only 10%! The average is 19.9% Geek. Some interesting questions though... Is your desk a mess? Do you have empty soda cans all around you? Do you stay up into the wee hours of the morning? Is your room messier before an earthquake? Do you shower less than once a week? -- twice a week? -- every other day? -- every day? -- multiple times a day? Do you change your underwear less than once a week? -- less than twice? -- every other day? -- every day? Do you comb your hair? Do you change your sheets less than once a month? -- less than twice? -- every week? Have you worn one pair of clothes all week? -- month? -- year!? Have you put on deodorant less than once in the past month? -- less than twice? -- less than every week? -- less than every day? Do you eat your boogers? Do you hawk loogies? Do you blow 'snot-rockets'? Do you adjust yourself in public? Do you try to make farts really loud? Have you ever lit a fart in the intent to make a flame thrower? -- did it work? Do you piss all over toilet seats in public places? -- at home? Do you not flush the toilet when you use it? Does your sink have crusty plates and dishes in it? -- are they older than a week old? Do you leave the floss in the sink when your done? Do you wipe your boogers on your clothes? Do you want to get married? Do you make rude and disgusting noises in bed for your own enjoyment? Do you read literature while on the throne? The Nerdity Test - My Nerdity Quotient is 11.6%. The average is 32.4. That makes me a mere Nerd-In-Training. Not even a Nerd Wannabe. 0 - 20.99 Nerd-in-Training 21 - 35.99 Nerd-wannabe 36 - 50.99 Closet nerd 51 - 60.99 Your social life needs some serious help 61 - 70.99 YOU need some serious help 71 - 80.99 Your best friend is a microchip 81 - 90.99 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child 91 - 99.99 Move over, Einstein 100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderules I sacrifice unto you It also has some interesting questions... Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching? Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason? Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something? Can you program the time on a VCR? Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them? Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to... ...Gilligan's Island? ...Flintstones? ...The Brady Bunch? ...The Jetson's? ...The Addam's Family? ...I Dream of Jeannie? Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once? Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies? ...in one 24 hour period? Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar? Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better? Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise? Do you have acne? Do you have greasy hair? ...without realizing it? Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out? Have you ever eaten pizza cold? ...do you like it that way? ...because you're too lazy to reheat it? Do you talk to yourself? ...when other people are around? ...do they talk back? ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you? Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God? ...while not drunk? ...while alone? Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book? Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? Was the object something electronic or mechanical? Did the object also have a "personality"? The Innergeek Geek Test - 20.51282% (which qualifies me as a geek, but not a strong one) + Geekish Tendencies......................≥09% ++ Geek.............................................≥15% +++ Total Geek................................≥25% ++++ Major Geek............................≥35% +++++ Super Geek..........................≥45% ++++++ Extreme Geek..................≥55% +++++++ Geek God........................≥65% +++++++! Dysfunctional Geek......≥75% The Compleat Geek Test - I was pretty much tied between normal and mostly normal - with only one answer in the geek category! Mostly A's: You're normal. Boring Boring Boring. You're the sort of person who'll just fritter their way thru life enjoying themselves and having a good time. Shame on you! Mostly B's: You're mostly normal. Nothing a little ECT can't clear away in any case. You almost make it into the "Mostly A's" above. Mostly C's: Geek Alert! Break out the pocket protector! With a set of horn rims and a pocket calculator, you're ready for Revenge Part #72. You can be the person that gets beat up all the time. Mostly D's: So you're a socipath; But that doesn't mean you're a bad person! Just keep taking the Lithium and everything'll be fine. The Unofficial 250 Question Purdue University Nerdity Examination Computer Experience: 14% Math Experience - wait, I'm sorry, Mathematical Experience - 18% Science Experience - 16% Nerd Culture (did a little better here) - 36% Nerd Sex (not saying what I answered yes to!) - 18% Average - 20% God, I'm not a real nerd. I just live the Nerd Culture! Some questions from the test - 24) Have you ever defeated a computer virus (cleaned out your system with no data loss and little loss of time)? 25) Do you collect viruses? 26) Have you ever infected another computer with a virus intentionally? 27) Have you ever written a computer virus? 28) Was it for profit? 29) Have you ever been AT A LOSS for storage space on your hard drive? 43) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it took more time than another algorithm? 44) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it used more memory than another algorithm? 45) Have you ever worried about dirty electricity (yes this is a legitimate question; we have this problem in Chicago.) 72) Can you count to more than 1000 on two hands? 76) Can you calculate sales tax in your head? 77) Do you know how to add the numbers 1, 2, 3, ... 100 in less than one minute using just a paper and pencil? 86) Do you know the first seven Prime Numbers? 105) Did you ever make illegal substances (explosives, drugs, etc.) with a chemistry set? 143) Have you ever had an experiment catch fire or explode on you? 149) Have you ever been the target of a political group because of your experiments (i.e.- Operation Rescue, Animal Liberation Front, Mad Mothers Against Socially Unacceptable Physicists, etc.) 152) Have you ever been told to leave a party for reasons other than obnoxious behavior? 156) Have you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"? 157) Have you read the entire trilogy (all five books)? 158) Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek? 159) Dr. Who? 160) Star Trek: The Next Generation? 161) Blake's Seven? 162) Deep Space Nine? 163) Kung Fu: The Legend Continues? 191) Have you ever made a technical joke? 192) Did nobody get it? 199) Have people ever winced when they heard your major, field of study or occupation? 200) Have you ever taken a nerdity test? 205) Have you ever had sex with two or more nerds in a 24 hour period? 206) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of orgasm? 207) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of mutual orgasm? 208) Have you ever had sex with the same nerd more than once in a 24 hour period or had one session of sex which lasted for three hours or three orgasms, whichever came first? 210) Have you ever had a steady relationship with more than one nerd at a time, such that neither knew (or so you believed)? 216) Have you ever worn any of the items in glasses, dress slacks, or a shirt with equations, a picture of a scientist, mathematician or computer scientist on the front in order to seduce someone? 217) Have you ever tried to pick someone up by reciting Pi? 234) Have you ever gotten turned on by a biology textbook? 235) Have you ever turned someone else on by reading them sections from a biology textbook? 240) Have you ever made love in a chemistry lab? 241) a physics lab? 242) a biology lab? 243) a computer lab? 244) Have you ever picked someone up in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3 while class was in session? 245) Have you ever petted or made out with someone in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3 while class was in session? 247) Did you do any of 240-6 and still get your work done in time? 250) Have you ever offered to help someone out in math, science or computer science in order to pick them up? You know - after re-reading some of these questions, I think that losing my identity as a nerd might be a pretty good thing!

CULTURE/SOCIETY: The Thrace Survey

My much younger brother, Harmonica23 sent me this. Fill out your version if you want. Don't bother reading it if you don't want to. Just sending in case people are curious. Plus, I'm trying to clear out my emails! - OlderMusicGeek

THREE SURVEY:

Three Names You Go By:
1. Dan
2. OlderMusicGeek
3. Nicholas Y Carlson - for internet sites, so they can't steal my identity - I also put my birthday as July 4!

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. glasses
2. t-shirt
3. underwear

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. humor
2. respect
3. rarrr!

Three things you want really badly: (right now)
1. My sickness that only makes tired - with no other symptoms - to go away
2. a maid or wife - willing to share either
3. more money - but will settle for an ipod

Three pets you had/have:
1. Darkside - one of the most playful cats ever
2. Dobie - so-named because it was grey and Radio Lesotho kept playing Dobie Gray's "Drift Away"
3. Mollo - another cat whose name is Sesotho for fire, because it was yellow and feisty

Three favorite sports:
1. hiking
2. yeah, a nerd like me is into sports
3. any sport someone I know is playing

Three people who will fill this out:
1. don't know
2. don't care
3. maybe my girlfriend

Three things you did last night:
1. instant message
2. sleep
3. email

Three Favorite Places to eat:
1. El Rodeo
2. Olive Garden
3. anywhere dirt cheap

Three People that live in your place:
1. me
2. my daughter
3. the farting ghost - Well, someone has to be doing it when my daughter and I both say we didn't do it!

Three things you like about yourself:
1. fairly intelligent
2. witty - though some say obnoxious - the jealous ones of course!
3. I think I'm a pretty good dad

Three things you ate today:
1. toast
2. peanut butter
3. might have swallow a little toothpaste

Three people you last talked To:
1. my girlfriend
2. my daughter
3. a crazy smart-aleck co-worker

Three things you're doing tomorrow:
1. resting
2. maybe a little shopping
3. sleeping

Three things that make you laugh:
1. my daughter
2. my girlfriend
3. maybe that crazy smart-aleck co-worker, not wait, myself - yes, I admit it!

Three things that you want to do this year:
1. be healthy!
2. don't have many goals this year - last year was hard enough!
3. spend more time with my daughter

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: American History Quiz

Yeah, I still clearing out my emails! This one is from Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little jerk. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally a student threw an eraser at Pedro, someone else shouted "Duck!"

The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

Pedro responded "Dick Cheney 2006!"

HUMOR: Consolidations in the Business World

I'm doing some clearing out of my emails. Here's another from The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

HUMOR: For Those Who Enjoy Language (Or Severe Distortions Thereof)

This is an old email sent to me by The Sassy Witch. - OlderMusicGeek

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

HUMOR: The Price of Medicine Today

Another email sent to me by Ernest T Spoon. - OlderMusicGeek

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a Yellow Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out of the room, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it comes to $150."

POLITICS: An Interesting Google Search

My girlfriend, The Sassy Witch, sent me this. It was too funny not to pass on. - OlderMusicGeek

1- Go to Google
2- Type in "failure"
3- Look at it the first listing and laugh at what comes up first
4- Tell other people before the people at Google fix it

Wikipedia explanation of why it happens this way

HUMOR and CULTURE/SOCIETY: Weird Search Engines that Bring Up My Site

Well, once again, I've had really weird search engines bring up my website. So I figured why not share in the weirdness and humor. I put it from what I found the least weird to the weirdest.

10. what's the highest speed the cars went in 1941?
9. GOOD pictures of economical stuff in Ecuador
8. ellipse stuff in our every life
7. Bueno chocolate bars washington d.c.
6. why did bankers wear green visors
5. examples of flirtatious sms by married men (I looked "sms" up on dictionary.reference.com. I got two answers, but I think this is "short message service" - some sort of cell phone thing.)
4. Vancouver's prostitutes dead in trash compactors
3. girl grope greats
2. a picture fat stupid guys in their underwear
1. When you have sex with an animal. Does the Bitch have Babies?

If anyone has any idea why these would bring up my blog, I would love to hear it!

ENTERTAINMENT and CULTURE/SOCIETY: A Female's Unhappy Experience in Comicbookdom

I found this blog on MySpace.com. I felt the writer made some valid points, although I wouldn't have put them as harshly as she had. But then again I don't have smelly women pressing up on me at conventions, so it's easier for me to judge less harshly.

But as I said, she has some valid points.

Self professed geek.....

I will be the first to admit that I love comic books. I own hundreds of them and I own rare stuff. I love animation, science fiction, horror. What chills me to the very core is the classification you are lumped into once you have admitted this fact. What separates me from the fat, masturbating freaks that refuse to shower?

There is yet another convention coming up, and I feel I need to vent on what has been my experience many times before. On walking in and getting in line, you can see a vast expanse of the lowest form of humanity. I associate comics with intelligence, the writers (very old stuff) way ahead of their time, and most readers seem to have a very good vocabulary which I assume is from seeing the words on print. But who are these other ones? Where do they hibernate all these months before stuffing themselves into a Star Wars costume and venturing out into the world? And why on earth do they refuse to bathe?

I am usually very sore after one of these events. I know it is from being pushed out of the way by these obsessive idiots who believe that their very life depends on the purchase of issue #1 of Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Then there are those who stare..and stare..and stare "is that a real girl?". I have never seen such crude attempts at "brushing up against me" by "accident". I always have to change my shirt when I leave because it actually SMELLS of the body odor of others! This time I am bringing another shirt and taking it right off in the truck.

I used to wonder why all the costumes. This is the first time I have actually read the postcard I receive in the mail that says there is a costume contest. But still "Rainbow Bright?" And I have seen some storm troopers that really need to lay off the donuts.

I wonder why they stare so much. Maybe it is because I have an odd face and dots for eyes, or my comical boobs, or the fact that I am really short, maybe they think I am some sort of faerie.

None of this is enough to make me stop going, and spending. And I know there will be no Obergiest..there never is and I always look. I will buy the usual overpriced Weird War Tales, Mens' Adventure, and wrestling mags. And smell like moth balls and geek all the way home. Hey, maybe this time someone really hot will bump into me. I guess I can always hold on to hope.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Good Housekeeping Article from 1955

My girlfriend, The Sassy Witch, sent me this. I found humorous enough to pass on.

My favorite part is "Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night." Oh, why did things have to change?!

HUMOR: Difference Between Women And Men

This is another email sent to me by girlfriend, The Sassy Witch. Hope you enjoy it. - OlderMusicGeek

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items

5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

CULTURE/SOCIETY: An Interesting Questionaire from My Kid Brother

My kid brother, Harmonica23, sent me this on MySpace. I found it pretty amusing, and he said I could pass onto you, my faithful readers. Enjoy! - OlderMusicGeek

So, every survey mcbulletin thingy I see is always the same. So, I made a survey, that actually listens and responds to you! Check it out! THE OFFICIAL SURVEY OF CARWASH.

1.) WHOA, don't sneak up on me like that. Who are you?
Apparently not a very good Ninja

2.) Who gave ya this?
Your mom in exchange for sexual favors

3.) Well, that person is pretty cool, might as well get ta know ya better, where ya from, chum?
The 7th Ring of Hell

4.) You still there now?
I'm a permanent fixture

5.) Oh yeah, why is that?
Because I never leave

6.) Sweet, good to know. Do you have any questions for me?
Nope

7.) Oh yeah, what is it?
What are you some kind of moron?

8.) I'm not going to answer that. Where did that question come from?
Well....You were being a moron

9.) Well, none the less, it was pretty insulting. So let's pick a less controversal topic: How do you feel about abortions?
I like them with a pinch of salt

10.) I KID, I KID. I don't really want to know that. What's something I would normally ask someone?
Did I miss the short bus again??

11.) That was rhetorical. Wait your turn. Hey, if you had a super power, what would it be?
The power to be a better Ninja so I can kill people and not get trapped into having conversations with them.

12.) That's kinda lame, you got something better than that? Or how about weirder?
How about sonic farts that blow peoples ear drums

13.) That was a hoot and a hollar! If you had superpowers, would you use them for good, or for evil?
Eh, just as a party gag

14.) I knew you would choose that, it's like...we know each others thoughts... Was that creepy?
Not as creepy as the fact that your chummin' up to the guy that was sent to kill you.

15.) I apologize. So...you single?
None of your damn business

16.) Well that sounds super-duper. What attracts you to the opposite sex?
Oh so your just gonna assume I'm straight huh? There is such thing as gay Ninjas ya know.

17.) Yeah, sense of humor is important, but I usually just go by breast size. What? Was that shallow?
Yeah, boobs are a good time

18.) What do you do for a living?
Duh, hello, Ninja assassin

19.) Oh my gosh, that sounds pretty darn interesting, you like it?
Not always *cough*

20.) Did you have to get some sort of training or anything?
No, I just turned in an application and Bam! I was a Ninja

21.) Rad. So, whats you favorite professional sport?
Ninja Golf

22.) Yeah, me too. Ever been to a sporting event?
Me and couple other Ninjas from the office play every Sunday

23.) Exciting! How old were ya?
Every Sunday!

24.) Wow, you must have been pumped! The problem with sporting events is the beer always sucks. Super foamy 12 dollar beer night. Are you a beer drinker?
I shouldn't because it effects my work hence this conversation I'm having with you

25.) Whats your favorite overall beverage?
Red Bull. Ninjas gots to be alert

26.) What about the environment? Think we should do more to improve it, or haven't we jacked it up to improve it yet?
I can usually blend into any enviroment

27.) I'm hungry, you hungry?
No, I'm very skilled at suppressing my hunger

28.) Where's your favorite place to eat?
Ninja Lu's Rice Bowl

29.) Sounds fantastic! Is it expensive?
They have very reasonable lunch specials

30.) Well, that sounds fair enough, what do you recommend?
Assassin's Delight

31.) I'll have to try it. Are you going to take me?
Nah, you're not gonna live too much longer

32.) Are you picking up the check?
I guess so

33.) Oh, aren't you the pal? Seen any good movies lately?
3 Ninjas, best movie ever

34.) Yeah I heard that was awesome, 'specially that one part with that one dude, who was doin' stuff...totally sweet, I think I might have ruined it for a few people. Sorry, you forgive me?
That part rocks socks!

35.) Seen any bad movies lately?
I only watch Ninja Movies....So, no!

36.) That's always cool when that happens! Do you think leaving a survey at 36 questions is weird?
Well....you have no choice because I'm killing you now

Too bad, cause I'm doin' it. I guess I'll check ya later. Have fun doin' stuff that you like to do.

Remember, Carwash always says to bring a buddy!

CULTURE/SOCIETY: Coming to Terms with My Daughter's Bigotry and Prejudice

If you got one of my letters, you've already read this, but I figured casual readers would get a kick out of it too. - OlderMusicGeek

It seems - I hate to say it- but I must admit it. It's hard to face the fact that my daughter is one. But there's no denying it. I just have to say it.

My daughter is an alphabetist!

There I said it - or at least wrote it. I tried to deny it for a long time. Pretend that it was just a coincidence, but I finally had to face the truth.

I was looking through the listings on my cell phone. My daughter was trying to find someone home that she could play with. And I came to realize that my daughter doesn't have any friends after the letter M. All of my daughter's friends are in the first half of the alphabet! All the names after M were my friends! M is as far as she goes!

There's no Nancy's, Pam's, Regina's, Sarah's, Tessa's, Veronica's or Wendy's! And certainly no Xavieria's or Yolanda's! And most definitely no Zee-Zee's or Zsa-Zsa's!

I told my daughter she was an alphabetist, but she tried to deny it. She talked about friends she had at school whose names started with the second half of the alphabet, but then I asked why they weren't good enough to play with outside of school. She said they were, but she hadn't got their numbers yet.

Yeah, right. Heard stories like that before.

My only comfort is that the son of my girlfriend, The Sassy Witch, is an even bigger alphabetist. It turns out he's had two girlfriends whose names started with A, and his current wife is an A name. Plus, her son's name starts with an A! The Sassy Witch and I were wondering if he might be an A-wannabe, wishing his name was Arthur or Alex, or something even closer to the front of the alphabetizing like Abe! Or even better, Aaron!

People, please let's work harder to wipe out alphabetism! I remember being a person with a last name that started with a letter near the end of the alphabet. And there were teachers who handed tests back alphabetically! Then to add salt to the wound, they would say you could go after you got your test! The only time I wasn't last was the year there was a person with the last name of Young in our class!

They wouldn't have done that if their last name was Zimmerman or one of those East European names that start with Zy like my poor college buddy!

Wipe out alphebetism in our time! People at the end of the alphabet (the omega-psi's as I like to call us) unite!